Interview with a Dhampire Hullo all. I'm Setzer, and with me today is Alucard, son of Dracula, who was mightily upset at his ranking only 4th on the Gamespy poll. (see poll before reading this interview) Alucard: That's right. What a complete and utter nonsensical ranking! Compared to the other vampires on that list, I should be number one! S: I notice that your father scored last AND first in the poll. A: Utter B.S. He's a Lord of Darkness. He probably threatened to kill or steal the souls of the fine gaming public. How do you explain why he gets two places? S: Although you have to admit, Dracula HAS done an awful lot to make him in the top of the list and gone through more final bad guy transformations than anyone can keep track of. A: (grudgingly) True. But he's been beaten every single time! The only thing that makes him is a consistent loser! At least when I fought my father, I've been a consistent winner! S: But you've only fought him twice. A: So? That's more chances than most Belmonts get, except for Christopher and Simon. (note: Richter's fighting was basically just one game with two different versions; hard to say if that rumored new game will star Richter) S: True. So why else do you think you should be first in the poll? A: I have transformation powers too! And at least MINE actually work. My father has many transformations and they've all sucked Slogra ass. Geez, when I fought him, he didn't even actually fight. His throne turned into viper heads or whatever that crap was. He's just stopped trying, I think. Why reward someone who's losing his creativity? S: So you consider yourself versatile? A: Of course! Look how many weapons I could master! It was insane! Unlike the Belmonts, I could use something other than a pansy whip! S: But you had a lot of stupid weapons that you couldn't get rid of. A: (growling) That damn Librarian wouldn't buy any of my weapons. I have no idea why he was so dead set against taking on used weapons. Most of them were in good condition! What the hell is he going to do with all those gems I found anyway? Juggle with them? Play golf with 'em? I have no clue. And what does he need all those jewels for anyway? He's dead! And he's a LIBRARIAN for God's sake! And how come he never had any books for sale? S: He did have magic scrolls, though. A: Spells which I could learn without getting charged for 'em! He still could have bought some of my swords. S: But what would you do with all the money? You're technically half-undead. A: I'd refurnish my home. S: Pardon? A: After I helped Trevor defeat my father, I went to sleep until 1797. I was in a coffin all that time in a cave in the Transylvanian Alps. After 300 years of sleep, everything went downhill. Animals were using the cave to have litters, it smelled like a piss-hole, and there was 50 pounds of bat guano on top of the coffin so I almost had a heart attack trying to lift up the damn lid. I'd take the money and build a nice cottage in the mountains. Nothing too ostentatious, you understand. Just someplace to sleep without worried about being shit on by some bat. It'd blend into the mountain unlike SOME other people I could mention. S: What do you mean? A: Another reason why I should have won the poll: intelligence. I don't know about you, but if I was trying to take over the world, I wouldn't advertise my presence by summoning the biggest castle I could find and filling it with monsters, treasures and things that would actually HELP my enemies! S: I think that's due to the programmers A: Oh, bah! The old man just isn't smart enough to try anything different. Why else has he been defeated about 15 times?! S: But why does he keep coming back? A: Those stupid Belmonts. They put that 100 year curse on him which never seemed to work ANYWAY. Since they HAD the opportunity, they should've exploded Dracula into nothingness, never to return. But nooooooo! S: So what else makes you qualified to be number one? A: I look better. And my fireballs clearly come from my CAPE, thank you very much. S: Why do you look better? A: Geez, look at how many times the old man changed his looks! And he's had green skin at several points. Now he's got that wire mesh beard and those ears that make him look like a reject from the Hyrule kingdom. I manage to look refined. S: One of the Top 10 guys said you looked effeminate A: I get my looks on my mother's side. Better than looking like someone wit h permanent gangrene. And another thing (yells at Fargo) if you wann a see how girly I am, you can come down here and I'll rip you a new one with my Crissaegrimm and I'll take your entrails and wrap 'em around a castle spire and use the rest of your body as a tetherball! S: Oh mybut what about your real name? It's kinda girly A: It's ADRIAN. That IS a guy's name. The girl's version is spelled differently. S: It does little to strike fear into bad guys, though A: Why do you think I go by Alucard? And you should talk, a girl using the name of some MALE gambler who flies the Hindenburg in a Final Fantasy game! S: . .. .. That was harsh. A: Oh, I'm sorry. (pats her shoulder) I'll be civil. S: I hope so. Now, out of most of those vampires in the list, you seem to b e one of the few good guys. Why is that? A: I think my lower ranking reflects on who my status of good is related to, namely the Belmonts. I will admit some of them were fine hunters, but I thin k after several hundred years, the skill level is going into the toilet. S: What do you mean? A: All the hunters after Christopher and Solieyu went downhill. About the only decent hunters in recent times were John Morris and Eric LeCarde and they weren't even Belmonts! S: You got a point there. A: It seems like I'm always picking up where this family is lackingE280 A6 S: But it's not like you started out being a hero. A: When your father is the king among vampires, it kinda makes it a bit hard to just up and do your own thing. I tested Sonia to see if she would have the strength to take on my father. (he gets a little misty eyed and pulls out a handkerchief, dabbing his eyes) S: Are you all right? A: Y-yes. I just miss her. (sniffle) S: There, there. (pats his arm) I'll get back to Sonia in a little while. Now what about Trevor? A: I was still fairly young and didn't have enough power to oppose my father yet. It's kinda hard to whup some serious ass on the Dark Lord with his hundreds of years of power versus my two or so decades. So I helped Trevor out and we defeated my father. He was a decent hunter. And his grandson, hot damn! Simon kicked Dracula around so many times, I don't why the old ma n ever bothered resurrecting. S: So you gained power after helping Trevor and now you're on an even keel with Dracula, then? A: That's right. I could kick his ass again if we fought right now. S: Back to Sonia. Would you say she was your true love? A: (sighs) The memory goes after several hundred years, but yes, she was ver y dear to meuntil she got weird. S: What do you mean? A: She got all gung-ho about vampire hunting after beating the old man around. Didn't have time for a relationship anymore. Bah! Didn't give ME any credit for helping to train her, oh no! She just got the idea of fighting vampires all by herself. (rolls eyes) S: What about the rumor that you helped start the Belmont family? That the child Sonia had soon after the adventure was yours? A: She went off with some ugly peasant boy and her family was exiled. So that child was probably his.probably a good thing, because then it' d mean my descendents were the ones getting themselves captured by Dracula for being total idiots! S: I'm assuming this a reference to Richter? A: (growling) God, what a panty waste! Getting himself captured. Bah! An d he had to have that whiny girl go save his fiancC3A9. He becomes a tool f or evil. (shakes his head in disgust) I should have just killed him and then I could have gone back to sleep than deal with this utter crap. And he change d his looks! Ever see him in his first attack on Dracula? He looks Japanese! And then he ups and changes into more gothic clothing. What the hell is tha t? S: A similar question could be asked of you. A: What do you mean? S: Well, when you helped Trevor, you looked like this. (pulls out picture o f nasty looking Alucard with an afro) A: I don't know who the hell started that rumor! Probably Trevor. He was mad because Sypha liked me more and then he started spreading rumors that I used to look like that fool in the picture. 'Cause look here! (pulls out picture of him in Sonia's quest, looking like he does now, except with more color and younger looking) S: Whoa. So Trevor said you had what? Plastic surgery to look like what you did? A: (snarling) No, he said I sucked the blood of women to make me look not so damn ugly. So then Sypha ran off with Trevor. Dirty little bastard. S: But later on, while fighting to save Richter, you had a chance to have a meaningful relationship with Maria. A: With her?! Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, not with her! S: What was wrong with her? A: She was such a whiner! And if she was wandering all over Castlevania and had the holy glasses with her, why didn't SHE help her brother-in-law, hmm? She dressed like a slut and she was just a tool. S: Why a tool? A: How the hell did she get into that castle room where I had to find special armor before I could even go through the HALL connected to that room? What'd she do, scale the outside of the castle? How come I couldn't do that without some gaming glitch involving the Sword Brothers? Utterly ludicrous. And she's all running after me after I saved her and Richter's collective asses. Does she think I want in her pants? Hell no! If she had any INTELLIGENCE, she could have made a great name for herself and I wouldn't have had to wake up. But noooooo! Why else has there been only ONE good female Belmont? S: There's been other females though A: Yeah, but they all had help! Notice how all the Belmonts after Solieyu couldn't even finish a damn "kick Dracula's ass" mission without having help! I went through two friggin' huge castles all by myself and you never heard me whining for a Belmont's help. And they're not even Belmonts anymore. Richter probably @*(#&ed up the family line so bad they needed other families to fight. Carrie? Schnieder? Henry? The wolf guy? Who the hell are all these people? If you can't kick Dracula's ass without help, let someone else do it! S: That's awful unfair to your colleagues. A: True, but notice how most Castlevania fans say Symphony of the Night is the greatest game out of the whole series? It has yet to be topped. S: But what about that future game with Sonia and a Victor Belmont? A: They killed that game. Probably good. They were going to use time travel in a CV game? Come ON. They might as well put me in another adventure. At least I wouldn't disappoint my public. S: And what about the rumored new game with Richter? A: I swear to God if it involves him trying to save his girlfriend because he's too much of an IDIOT to make sure she's safe, I will beat him within an inch of his life. S: So you feel fate has put you with an unfortunate bunch of people? A: That's right. And all I get to do is fight and sleep nowadays. (sigh) I haven't gotten laid since Sonia. S: Holy good Lord! That's been about 500 years! A: (nods) All I want to do is have a nice cottage somewhere and have a lovely wife. Surely there's some female with intelligence who wouldn't mind a little solitude with someone like myself! Unlike the Librarian, I have an extensive collection of books and I haven't lost my manners as the world has gotten coarser. S: (thinking) I dunno about that last one. (out loud) So for all these reasons, you feel you deserve the number one spot. A: That's right. I'm sure all the Castlevania fans will agree with me. They'll put out more games, I'm sure. (eyes light up) Maybe with me again finding a perfectly sensible woman and we can have kids, a house and maybe a dog without having to worry about any undead crap. S: What if they pair you with a Renard? A: (considers it) If she's as goofy as Maria, I'm dropping her down the nearest pit. S: Well, our time's up. Thank you, Alucard, for your time and good luck with women and sequels. A: My pleasure.