CASTLEVANIA COMEDY (Note the references to the SotN dialogue…enjoy!)
Ryu: Hi, I’m RYU, the dragon-man, and I’m here to interview a few characters from the hit Playstation game Castlevania: Symphony of the Night…Oh wait, there’s DEATH. Hey DEATH! (Waves to him)
Death: Ahh. What is your business here?
R: Er, I’m an interviewer for the project RPG group, and I would like to ask you one particular question in mind. You see, people are spreading things about you being a lousy Shakespearian actor and all that…
D: I demand you cease your attack!!
R: B-but I just had to say that because there’re all these rumors going around and…
D: You shall regret those words. We will meet again! (Leaves)
R: Whew. (Wipes forehead) Not too soon I hope…hey, that’s ALUCARD! Um, excuse me, mr. ALUCARD? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be sleeping in your coffin?
Alucard: Who are you?
R: Oh, sorry. I’m RYU and I work for project RPG. I’m conducting an interview, and I would like to ask you a couple of questions. (Takes out notepad) Tell me, what do you think about love?
A: It may take many incarnations.
R: O---kay…(starts scribbling) and now tell me, what are your views on video game romance?
A (annoyed): What is it you want!? You didn’t come here to tell me that!!
R: But isn’t it true that you like Maria?
A (surprised): WHAT!! (Long pause) Of course, but…
(MARIA passes by)
Maria: Wait a moment…(looks at RYU) you seem human and yet…what do you here?
R: Oh there you are, Maria. (Kisses her hand, much to Al’s chagrin) And how are you tonight, my lady?
M (Smiles): As friendly as ever I see.
R: Um excuse me, Maria. (Whispers in her ear) Tell me, is it true that there’s something going on between you and ALUCARD?
M (Blushing): Wha…That can’t be true!! You’re wrong. (Turns around, covering face with hands) I—I must go now!
(ALUCARD follows her)
R: What an odd bunch…(spots RICHTER) Oh! Richter! (Walks up to him) I’m an interviewer and I would like to ask you some questions about…
Richter (Who overheard everything): Your words are as empty as your soul!
(RICHTER runs off in the direction of Maria and Al)
R: Way. That was harsh. (Looks around) Well, there aren’t many characters around tonight, so I’ll just have to ask questions from the bystanders…(walks up to one strangely-dressed man chanting eerie spell words) um, excuse me. I’m an interviewer and I would like to ask you some questions. But first, can I have your name please?
Bystander: I am the Dark Priest called Shaft.
R: Wokay…(scribbles on notepad) tell me, Mr. Shaft, do you have any comments about the Castlevania games so far?
Shaft: For centuries, vampire hunters have defeated evil with holy power. But, if TWO vampire hunters were to fight each other…(grins sadistically)
R: Oh! (Scribbles some more) So you’re suggesting that they make a fighting game version. Good idea! Thanks for your opinion, Mr. Shaft.
(SHAFT resumes his ritual)
(Nothing special. One skeleton walking his pet Hellhound went by, but everyone else seems to be in the nightclubs…)
R: Geez. Isn’t there someplace special around here? Hey taxi! TAXI!!! (Holds up Mermaid Statue)
(Soon after, FERRYMAN appears riding on a brand new motorboat)
R (Goes up to FERRYMAN): Hey pal, isn’t there anyplace special around this town?
Ferryman: I’ll take you to a place which might be interesting for you! (Cackles evilly)
(FERRYMAN turns on motor, and the two race toward what seems to be a grand floating casino with flashing neon lights and the works)
R: Thanks ferryman. (Climbs ladder leading to casino, but receives paper cut along the way) OW!! Stupid ladder!
(A Succubus appears and assists him)
Succubus (noticing wound): Darkling, I smell your blood!
R: Thanks for the concern, but this ain’t serious…
S (Partly raising miniskirt): Come here little boy and show me what you’ve got.
R: Ahnothankyou. (Rushes into casino as fast as he can)
(Inside are a lot of ghouls, vampires, liches and other undead creatures enjoying themselves with gambling and drinking; succubi are serving as bar girls)
R: Well now THIS is a busy place…Hey… (Spots tall white-haired man sitting on a throne chair near balcony) Lord Vlad Tepes Dracula! Nice to see you again!
Dracula (holding goblet full of…ice cream?): Well met my son! It’s been a long time!
R: Yeah, it’s been three years since we last met. Oh, yeah, I’m an interviewer for project RPG and since you’re here, I would like to ask you a particular question that’s been going around lately. You see, everyone knows that you’ve lived a long time… 800? 1000 years? So anyway, people want to know about your fitness secrets…
Drac (laughs manically): A miserable little pile of secrets!! (Raises hands in the air, and dark clouds begin to form) See my TRUE FORM and DESPAIR!!!
(DRACULA starts transforming)
R: Uh-oh. Not this time! (Breathes fire on Dracula’s right hand—the one holding the goblet of ice cream. Ice cream falls into lake)
Drac (stops transforming): No! It cannot BE!!! (Helplessly watches scoops of expensive double-dutch plunge into water) AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
(Drac storms back into casino and grudgingly orders another sundae)
R: Well…I guess that’s it for this interview…now I’d better make myself scarce. TAXI!!! (Holds up Mermaid Statue)
(Ferryman returns, along with some passengers; Richter is in the back seat trying to comfort an extremely embarrassed Maria)
R (Hopping aboard): Ferryman, take us to a much…saner…place…
Richter: Yes, let’s get out of here!
("I Am The Wind" plays in the background)
- The End (?) -
I took this out of the dialogue in Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. This sort of spoof isn’t (too) original, but playing with the horrid voice actors’ scripts is more of a fun thing to do than listen to them. Really, I like the Japanese voices better, save Richter’s voice. He sounds like an old man in Nocturne!
I hope you enjoy this fanfic. I’ve spent many hours laughing so hard that I nearly fell out of my seat and hit my head on the dumbbells I keep nearby, just making this.
---RYU, project RPG (firstname.lastname@example.org)
P.S. The Ryu in this fanfic is my RPG character Enki, a Draconian-type creature who specializes in—well, Shotokhan karate (Street Fighter reference)