Mail

I use AOHell, so I'd estimate that 95% of all mail I receive is spam. Here is some of the more interesting mail I've gotten.

Nigeria Scam

A lot of people have gotten this email recently. Basically it's a scam, supposedly originating in Nigeria, asking a United States citizen to assist the Nigerian government in a monetary transaction. The US citizen provides their bank records to the scammers, in the belief that they will in turn receive some of the money in return for their help. I read an article in the paper recently that said how this has gone on for years, and the FBI has just now gotten involved in investigating it.

Anyway, I decided to have a little fun with them and wrote back my own email.

Here is the original, and my reply is below.

Subj: PROPOSAL
Date: 8/18/2001 12:23:54 AM Central Daylight Time
From: engr-bukolasam@onebox.com (bukola samson)
To: gaimphax@aol.com

ATTN: Gaimphax
FROM: ENGR. BUKOLA SAMSON
ADDRESS:FEDERAL MINISTRY OF WORKS AND HOUSING

First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this transaction,

this is by virtue of its nature as been utterly confidential and top secret.

We are top officials from the Federal Ministry of Works & Housing (FMW&H), Federal Ministry of Finance and the Presidency, making up the Contract Review Panel (CRP) set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria to review contracts awarded by the last Military Administration.

In the course of our work in the CRP, we discovered this fund which resulted from grossly over-invoiced contracts which were executed for the FMW&H during the last administration. The companies that executed the contracts have been duly paid and the contract commissioned leaving the sum of US$26.426M floating in the Escrow account of the Central Bank of Nigeria ready for payment. I have therefore been mandated as a matter of trust by my colleagues in the Panel to look for an overseas partner to whom we can transfer the sum of US$26.426M by legally subcontracting the contract entitlement to your company. This is bearing in mind that our Civil Service Code of Conduct forbids us from owning foreign companies or running foreign accounts while in Government service hence the need for an overseas partner.
We have agreed that the fund will be share thus after it has been transferred into your account:
(1)30%of the money will go to you for acting as the beneficiary of the fund.
(2)65% to us the Government official (with which we conjunction with you).
(3)5% has been set aside as an abstract projection for reimbursement to both parties for incidental expenses that may be incurred in the course of this transaction.
All logistics are in place and all modalities worked out for the smooth conclusion of the transaction within ten to fourteen working days of commencement after receipt of the following information from you: Your company name, address, company's details and activities, telephone & fax numbers. These information will enable us make application and lodge claims to the concerned Ministries & Agencies in favor of your company and it is pertinent to state here that this transaction is entirely based on trust.
Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter by using this e-mail address.

Yours faithfully,

ENGR.BUKOLA SAMSON

...And My Reply

The address I provide is actually Howard Stern's home address, and the phone number is Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling's joke line (if you live in the New York area, call 922-WINE for free dirty jokes).

ATTN: ENGR. BUKOLA SAMSON
FROM: Gaimphax
ADDRESS:    10 East 44th Street
      New York, NY
      10017 USA

Firstly, I must thank you, Engr. Bukola Samson, for your generous offer on my behalf. Just the other day, as I was watching the nightly news in my EZ Chair, I daydreamed about how wonderful it would be to win the Powerball jackpot. Now perhaps the dream of being able to afford to sit on my butt for years at a time can come true. Secondly, I must congratulate you on your excellent command of the English language. I hope when we meet face-to-face (so I can thank you personally) that we will be able to communicate as fluidly as we are now.

Now then, I have heard of your dilemma arising in many developing nations. It appears that you are not alone in having military dictators overcharging slave-labor pools for the sake of lining their own pockets. Do not feel ashamed; it's a normal occurrence.

Furthermore, I see your problem in having US$26.426M floating in escrow. Sometimes when I have change left over from buying Taco Bell I can feel it burning a hole in my pocket too. Where we differ is that I would just "invest" this money back into buying more tacos (in my own country). Instead, you feel the need to "invest" the money in a foreign person's bank account. But I suppose it's the little differences that make each of Earth's cultures special.

However, I'm glad the money you've reported to me is in United States currency. I get so annoyed when I notice Canadian pennies in my wallet, and I sure as heck wouldn't want 2,642.6M of them.

As much as I would love to do business with you, I must make a couple of demands. I wish to invest part of this money in the illegal diamond mines in your country. They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, so who can argue with that logic? Perhaps you could throw a few indentured servants into the deal. Those diamonds aren't going to mine themselves you know.

Second, I understand that your native people have just mastered the art of making fire. I want to set up a program for building and distributing this fire in Nigeria for the good of the population (but for a small fee of course). Just remember that this matter is, using your own words, "utterly confidential and top secret."

After this is all settled, I will send the pertinent information for the transaction (which is entirely based on trust).

Please acknowledge the receipt of this letter by using this e-mail address, or you can call me directly at 516-922-9463.

Yours faithfully,
Some guy who uses AOL so is probably from the United States

And lastly, I got this email for a computer virus. It's nothing out of the ordinary; people get this one all the time. The only difference is that the morons who sent the email didn't inlude a link or attach a file to it. Duh.

Subj: Snowhite and the Seven Dwarfs - The REAL story!
Date: 8/26/2001 11:04:17 AM Central Daylight Time
From: hahaha@sexyfun.net (Hahaha)

Today, Snowhite was turning 18. The 7 Dwarfs always where very educated and polite with Snowhite. When they go out work at mornign, they promissed a *huge* surprise. Snowhite was anxious. Suddlently, the door open, and the Seven Dwarfs enter...