Topic: Love... I don't know what to do about it...

[Pfil]

I'll try to make it as short as I come.
It all started in high school. During primary school I always got grade A notes, so I thought I was popular because my parents made me believe high notes on exams were all that mattered. I always liked fairy tales and classical music, I went to piano and drawing lessons for many years until I ended both careers during high school...
But it turned out that when high school started, I was no longer the one to go for help with study. No longer did the other girls care about grades... now they cared for hanging out, going to dance in pubs, drinking... and I remained the same. More mature then them, always... too mature for my age, adults always said. The other girls had meanest ways to put it, and they made me know it every time they could.
They made everyone in school believe that I was weird because of my tastes, and that I was better left alone.
I slowly got farther and farther away from youth and the school crowd. No longer I was able to enjoy life.
Boys got that same feelings towards me, and living in a small town didn't help, at all.
I don't know what went into me during that years, but I always wished I was one of the popular girls, instead of who I was. In time, I learned to accept me and love me for what I am. I guess just something remained of that wish, but in another way.
I was never able to have a boyfriend from my town.
I had some flirts with boys during holidays when I was a teenager, but they only lasted one night or a few days.
When my parents got divorced, I thought that it was my opportunity when I went to live with my mom to a city, but I could never adapt to the city life. And when I had a chance to work, I got back to my town.
Of course, everyone had their life now. Everything was different, and I didn't suffer anymore that stigmata because I liked anime, games and "weird" stuff. Now I had my own life. But I was alone.
Some of the other "weird" people that used to hang out with me during high school still was there, but they didn't have much time now. I still see them from time to time, though. They are what I can call friends now. Them, and my brother and parents, of course, who are my best friends.
I recall over and over the few times I was with someone (as a couple), and I'm still really confused.
I should have read the signs earlier and shouldn't have fear to accept who I was. I used to have in a hidden folder, in my computer, that mangas some of you may already know about. It was a teenager fantasy...
I always liked feminine boys, and every relationship I had didn't last, and I don't know if it was just because they all were from other towns and had to travel to see me. I mean, I like men. But when they are on a screen, not only anime, but that Hollywood love always gets me. I watch so many love movies, and I cry a lot...
What I recall as the most magical time of my life, however, was with another girl.
I was 19, and I was on holidays with my family, and I was still confused about that curiosity inside me. But I thought that it didn't care, because I was in another country and I wasn't going to see her again. I won't say her name, or the country, but I will tell the story.
I always saw her at the swimming pool (it was winter, so it was a pool with hot water and roof). I started talking casually, and then we started hanging out every night. The last night until everyone was returning (it was a time share so every family was there for an exact week, and the hotel organized a dinner and dance for all the families), I took my chance and, after having some drinks and dancing, we went out to talk, to the garden, and I derived the conversation to what I wanted. I thought the way was clear, so I gave her a kiss, and she didn't say anything, smiled and looked into my eyes... she was so beautiful... so we did it for a while, in her room. Just kissing, nothing more. But the landscape of a beautiful garden, a night when I knew we were never seeing each other again, my first kiss with a girl, a romantic window, remain until today as my most magical night. It was like one of that fairy tales I used to read many years ago... someone else ago.
We left letters at reception the next morning because she was leaving early and I was leaving at mid day.
No one ever knew about this, of course. Everyone thought of us as just two girls hanging out.
Now, several years after that experience, and some relationships after, I still find it very difficult to find someone.
I've had some casual encounters when traveling, or in holiday. I could fall for someone like Juste, but that's just fantasy; real life is another story.
But I could never feel that magic inside me again.
So I guess I must accept it. This is me.
I think I'm interested in both sexes when it comes to just casual meetings, but I don't think I can fall in love with a man again, since I've been hurt many times, and I believe the only time I felt pure love was that one, with a girl in a very distant country.
Every girl in my town knows me, and people in my town is very close minded about these subjects.
And everyone that I find beautiful is already married or in a long relationship.
To make things worse, I don't think there is a person that I find beautiful and kind at the same time.
And I have low self esteem because high school experiences, but I've been told in another cities and countries that I was pretty, so I don't think the problem is about that, either.
I like living in a town and dislike life in the city.
But I can't have love in my little town.
The thing is that here, I have a solid work, my family, my home, some friends...
I just don't know what to do, and I'm already 23 years old now.
And since I don't have anyone to talk about it in person, I thought about asking for advise here on this forum, where people seems so nice and willing to help each other.
I couldn't make it shorter.
Thanks to anyone who kept reading until the end, and sorry for bothering you with such a long and personal story.
If I never give more personal data in this or any other online place is is just because I don't want to risk my now fairly acceptable social position in my town. You never know when someone could read something. In my town they are fairly "OK" with a single young woman.
Thanks again.

[Ratty]

Well, if love will happen it will happen at it's own time. You should try and be happier with yourself as a first priority though, don't let high school taunts control your self-image. Cruel words might be hard to forget but they can only control you if you let them, don't dwell on the negativity of the past but search for the positive in today and tomorrow. You're 23 which is still a young and beautiful age to be but it's a sufficiently long time from high school that I can tell you now that both you and your former tormentors are different people than you were then. It's literally the case that your hormones will have settled down and brains developed beyond your teen years.

I don't know where you live but it's true the demands to conform in a small town are much greater than in a city, and this probably won't help you when it comes to being accepted if you have a lesbian partner. But you need to be yourself, whether that means dating a woman or a man. Just as you can't pretend to be someone you're not to get a partner (who will just fall for a person who doesn't exist/you're pretending to be if you do that) you can't make the decisions about who you want to live your life with to appease the bigotry of others. When you get in a relationship you're not doing it for your parents, or for your brother or anyone else in your town, you're doing it for you and your special someone. A loving relationship is a wonderful thing but it's not something you can force, you need to live for yourself for a while before trying to find someone you want to live your life with and for as well. Love and respect yourself, have confidence in who you are and what you want, and the rest will follow in its own time.

[Inccubus]

I can relate to you about high school and a few other things very much, Pfil. Being 35 now and having been in a long relationship with someone I was very much in love with has taught me many things. First off, forget everything those people in high school ever said that was mean. They were idiots. You're a beautiful person inside and out in your own ways and you deserve to be kind to yourself by ignoring the foolishness of others and concentrating on the positive.

I'm lucky in that I got to live out somewhat of a fantasy of my own. I've watched romantic comedies and dramas all my life. I dreamed (and this is kind of wierd for a guy) of getting married one day with a beautiful woman who would be my match; someone just as 'wierd' as me. And I did. I met her when I was all the way to 27. And to boot, having grown up saving so many video game princesses, I got to marry a woman who is the direct descendant of an, honest to god, prince of Russia. Things didn't work out in the end, but we made some mistakes and this is not such an uncommon thing in the US. Regardless we spent 6 years together that were pretty magical for the most part. The important thing for you is to know that I felt exactly the same as you before I met my ex wife. And I didn't find her until I stopped looking just as Ratty said.

Now I've been divorced for two years. I get a bit lonely sometimes, but now I have the confidence that I didn't have as a teen or a twenty-something. I know I'll find someone else some day so I don't worry about that. In the mean time I've met some fantastic women both online and in real life. Sometimes we become intimate and sometimes we're just friends. But those short relationships I've had are no less magical and special than the time I spent with my ex wife. Be patient and love will come to you. Eros works hardest when you ignore him.

As for the issue of the town you live in. I can say all too easily to just move, but I've lived in a city all my life. However, you might want to think about moving to another town not too far from your home town if possible. But on the same token, don't be in such a hurry either. Things happen when they happen and your life can change over night. In 5 years you will be a different person. So all I can say is live your life as best you can, travel as much as you can and focus on the positive. As a matter of fact live your life like you already have the things you desire most. The universe is a big xerox machine and it will give you what you give it. To quote Silent Hill 3 of all things, "You were made for being happy, so be happy."

Namaste

[Shiroi Koumori]

I could also relate to your primary and high school experiences. Forget those high school idiots, they will not go far.

You are still young, love will come in its own time. Those things should not be rushed. If I am not mistaken the usual age to get married is in the late 20s to 30s. It is hard to live in a small town since everyone knows each other but if they are open to single females, then let it be your status for the meantime.

Personally, if the fates do not want you to marry, so be it. There are a lot of things that can make you happy aside from getting a partner. Enjoy your life and do not wallow in the past.

Conformity is a bitch, be yourself. But yeah, this is easier done in a big metropolis (i'm a city girl). Or you could follow the Japanese concepts of honne and tatemae.

Honne may be contrary to what is expected by society or what is required according to one's position and circumstances, and they are often kept hidden, except with one's closest friends. Tatemae is what is expected by society and required according to one's position and circumstances, and these may or may not match one's honne.

Though it is hard to do....

[X]

High school is one of those institutions that can either make you or break you. Sadly this is not how it's supposed to be, but unfortunately the student body far greater exceeds the teachers and staff and in essence; wrestled control of the system from those who would properly govern it. If you are popular then you have nothing to worry about. If you are unpopular then you know what to expect from that broken down and dilapidated institution. As for your love life, I'm a little envious. I'm 33 and had never remotely experienced what you have. Being a natural loner is part of the problem as well as the after-effects of high school, but that doesn't mean I should be condemned for the rest of my life as this cruel and unjust dark world has intended for me. You could also say I'm a bit of a romantic as well since I'm always waiting for that special someone to come into my life and put an end to my internal tyranny and conflict. But I personally feel as though I've already passed the point of no return. No one of the opposite sex has bothered to take notice of me so I won't bother with them either. It's just wasting whatever time I have that I could be doing more important things. Now about this woman you mentioned in your post... Have you contacted her recently? A letter? E-mail? It sounds as though she was interested in you as you were with her. Maybe you should find out if this thing between you two is very serious. If you feel that she may be the one then there's only one way to find out; have a talk with her or if possible, meet her face to face and discuss eachother's feelings. If it works then your long search will come to fruition. If not then at least you'll have some closure to to that part of your life and can begin anew. As for your situation with those of your hometown? F@#k 'em. If they can't be willing to understand who you are inside; the Real you and accept you, then they are a waste of the air they breath and not worth your time.

[Pfil]

Thanks guys! 
Reading these replies really makes me feel good!
I'll try to reply generally in order to make it shorter.

The girl I mentioned lives on another country (and not a near one), so it's impossible, and it's been more than 4 years. I think she took it as just an experiment, or a summer crush.
I tried to Google her, find her on Facebook, and many things during lonely nights. I can't seem to find her. Once I thought I did, but it was just the name. It's a pretty common name, also, and more for a big city.
They are just memories now, sadly, we live on different worlds.
From my part, I guess it was just a way to try that curiosity inside me, and it took me years to fully realize what I really wanted.

Maybe what I did was similar to what X said. Never during my whole life men from my town noticed I was there, and I've been told I was pretty when traveling, so it was very frustrating to experience life on my town. I was like "Am I beautiful or am I not? Why won't they ever talk to me?". Once there was even an instance when my relationship with a boy from other town ended when he learned from people from my town that I wasn't popular (he told me I was beautiful and that he liked me when we met, but when he learned about my social position and my tastes he suddenly wanted to "see other people"). Add that frustration with men to the fact that my most precious memory happened with a girl. And I guess that shaped me. And now, I am who I am. I am proud of it. I just can't tell it. It's liberating to accept me as I am, but it would be so great if I could openly be who I am to everyone.
That's kind of what Shiroi said. What society expects from me is the exact opposite of what I want.

I don't let that mean things from the past to control my image anymore. They did left scars, but it's been years now, and we are all different people, as Ratty said. It's just that it is so hard living here... I'm pretty sure there's no other girl who feels like me in my town, and if there is one, she wouldn't say it, because society wouldn't let her. It would be so much easier for me and for this society if I just get married with a man as everyone does, and get approved by everyone. But that's not what would make me happy. I'm not always unhappy now, of course. Sometimes I enjoy time with people I love, or I'm just happy with a screen, when I can go to another world of fantasy and live life through the eyes of a movie protagonist, anime girl or game hero. The sad thing is going down to Earth again when the fantasy ends, only to find myself on an empty bedroom.
That magical night I mentioned is also the biggest reason of my melancholy and sadness today, because I remember how it felt, and I fear to never experience something like that again.

About what Inccubus said about moving, I couldn't take city life with my mom, and now that she's here... I would miss my  brother and parents if I moved, and here I have a few friends that by now are almost sure of my tastes, but I don't see them "that way", they are just my friends. And then, there's my work. If one thing turned out well with my future it was my work. At least all that grade A notes served some purpose. People in town know I was a good student, and now that I grew up I can have at least a good work. In the city everything is very hard, there's a lot of excellent competition for every work, and in another small town I couldn't have a similar work. By now, let's keep that "single young woman" image. But I don't want it that way forever. I have so much love to give, and no one by my side.

I'm also afraid of having crossed the point of no return.

Thanks again to everyone for the emotional support! 

[Ratty]

I'm sure we're all just happy to help . Keep your chin up and enjoy life, put your love into what you do and do what makes you happy. As Shiroi said that might include a partner and it might not, but as long as you love yourself and love your life that's really not a big deal.

[Inccubus]

Yes! I'm sure things will work out for you. And remember in life there's really no such thing as a point of no return. Whenever one door closes there's another one opening somewhere. Don't be afraid to explore new possibilities. <3

[Pfil]

Thanks...
That's what I want to do. Explore this whole new side of me that I feel so strongly now. But I need a partner to do it
In the meantime, I'll keep my work, my hobbies, my time with family...
And hope for a future romance the next time I travel.
I was never a person who goes to dance, but I guess maybe some weekend I can try that. Some girls only dance in some city where no one knows me. I don't know. I'm so confused right now.
Maybe I'll just end up staying and watching again some romantic movie.
I suppose that as long as I'm a hopeless dreamer I will have hope.

[uzo]

I don't have too much to say on this topic yet, but I would like to mention a few small things.

There is no such thing as the "point of no return". I have pondered this myself, and truly did believe I've passed it before, but that is not the case as I discovered. There is no such thing, and while it seems to be a scary thought you must pass it aside.

I too suffer from small town syndrome, and I could not find anyone there worth talking to, let alone having a relationship with. While I can work from anywhere, even in this small town, I am leaving immediately as soon as I am capable. I will NEVER find someone here, and that is very obvious. I must move to a more populated area ASAP.

Overall though, I'm not quite comfortable handing out relationship advice above that. I've been through a string of horrible experiences in that department. Love may not be the thing for me, and I do sometimes question if it is a thing at all.

All I can say is your aura changes when you give up seeking it out and don't care anymore. That was when I found my greatest success oddly enough.

[Pfil]

Thanks uzo!
It's very hard sometimes living in a small town when you are not just another clone of society standards.
Even harder when, what you want to find, is something that society perceives as wrong. People is also very religious where I live. I think I believe in God, I mean, my family is all into religion, I'm just kind of in the middle, but I know that if there is a God, He wouldn't care if the strongest love I felt in my life was for another girl. On the contrary, he would be happy for that pure love.

There's plenty of other things that God wouldn't like. I remember in high school other girls calling me "a slut" because I used to read "dirty magazines" (ecchi mangas). But what about them, going to parties, getting drunk and having random sex with random people? That thing, that this same small town society, didn't condemn. The other girls were "cool", but I was "weird" because my "magazines" had suggestive artworks in the cover. I don't understand it.

Anyway... now it's about the future.

[Ratty]

Thanks uzo!
It's very hard sometimes living in a small town when you are not just another clone of society standards.
Even harder when, what you want to find, is something that society perceives as wrong. People is also very religious where I live. I think I believe in God, I mean, my family is all into religion, I'm just kind of in the middle, but I know that if there is a God, He wouldn't care if the strongest love I felt in my life was for another girl. On the contrary, he would be happy for that pure love.

There's plenty of other things that God wouldn't like. I remember in high school other girls calling me "a slut" because I used to read "dirty magazines" (ecchi mangas). But what about them, going to parties, getting drunk and having random sex with random people? That thing, that this same small town society, didn't condemn. The other girls were "cool", but I was "weird" because my "magazines" had suggestive artworks in the cover. I don't understand it.

Anyway... now it's about the future.

Well here's the thing - if God is all powerful and all knowing and s/he created everything, then s/he knew you would like women the moment s/he created the universe and chose to make you that way, along with everything else that ever has or will happen. If this is the case then why would God be mad at you for being the way s/he created you?

About the magazines and stuff - they singled out the magazines just because you were different from most of the group, notice I don't say better or worse, just different. That's how teens always have been and will be. But things have changed for you now, you're a fully grown woman, and as you say it's important to keep looking forward to the future. I don't know about where you live but in America homosexuality is becoming more accepted every day, a big part of that is because many LGBTs are finally coming out of the closet and showing the world that perfectly "normal" people can have different sexual preferences and gender identities. It takes a lot of strength to be who you really are and true to yourself in the face of peer pressure, and I have nothing but respect for people like you who do (I'd +1 all your posts here again if I could to help illustrate it X3.) even if you can't be open about it publicly yet. But thank you for being honest and for being yourself, I'm usually a pretty good judge of character and I can tell you're a good person. Take care and always remember what Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true."

[Shiroi Koumori]

Popular teens will always only accept their own view of the world, until they realize several years later that they were too narrow minded (if ever they realize that). And society typically accepts the "cool" mindset. But always remember, the geeks shall rule the world! It is through creativity and thinking outside of the box, that new inventions can be made.

There is always something good waiting at the end so don't rush and just keep walking towards the future.
Maybe if she is your one true love, then your paths might cross once more in the future. When that time comes, do not ever let go.

Since you are not accepting PMs, I'll just write this here.
I hope this anime can cheer you up.

(click to show/hide)

Uta no☆Prince-sama♪ maji LOVE 1000% (this is season 1)
Uta no☆Prince-sama♪ maji LOVE 2000% (season 2)
This is a fun, light-hearted, romantic, reverse harem comedy with a great jpop vocal soundtrack.
Season 2 is ongoing but I do suggest start watching from season one.
It is cheesy at times but watching it makes me happy like a loon.
Prepare for a nosebleed at the start of the first episode. ehehehehee. (season 2's episode 1 raises it up further)
The fan girl in me is uncontainable. 

[Pfil]

Thanks again to both of you!
+1 to everyone again 
If everyone is OK with that, I'll add people who comforted me to my friends list (the ones I didn't have already).

I will watch that anime, thanks for the recommendation, Shiroi!

[X]

Well here's the thing - if God is all powerful and all knowing and s/he created everything, then s/he knew you would like women the moment s/he created the universe and chose to make you that way, along with everything else that ever has or will happen. If this is the case then why would God be mad at you for being the way s/he created you?

Exactly. God loves you no-matter what Pfil. Only those with an ego-based mindset will say otherwise. But they don't know what they are talking about when it comes to love, nor will they even amount to anything unless their extremely finite world comes crashing down around them. Just be yourself. Honor yourself and whom you choose to feel love for. and if anyone with an arrogant attitude comes along and says otherwise then do what the ancient Greek Amazons did; beat the living s**t out of 'em lol