Topic: Dealing with breakup

[Mooning Freddy]

Sorry for keeping bothering you with my romance-related threads, guys. By now, you know quite a lot about the relationship I was in for the last year and a half. As I only posted about the problems that I had in the relationship, I haven't really told you about the good parts of it. And let me tell you this, even though there were problems, the good sides of it were so much more to me than the difficulties, which I believe could be solved if there was the will to try again.
But now it's over. Around two-three weeks ago, she broke up with me.
Yeah, the relationship has been dying slowly for two months; but I kept believing that where there's a will, there's a way, and for a while, it seemed like I convinced her to try again. Until my partner made the final statement, that there's no will in her.

Ironically, I found a quote on the internet that summarized those two years through which we knew each other. And the description was so short and to the point that I was amazed. There it is:



The breakup is difficult. And what makes it more difficult is that she already found someone else. She "found" him before the breakup, and said that she wouldn't have considered a new relationship if she wasn't so unhappy with the relationship she had with me, but I believe it added weight to the scale which made her decide to not give me another chance.
I wasn't the best boyfriend; Maybe I failed in many aspects, this I know. I wasn't attentive enough, wasn't active or interested enough, and as a result, she decided that I'm not exciting or inspiring enough to be her partner. It would have been easier for me to think "It's not you, it's her" if we both had not admitted that during the first year, it somehow worked, and we were indeed happy together.
It's horrible, because I realize that throughout the relationship, I have been feeding her my own insecurities about life in our endless conversations, and as a result she thought I'm a pessimistic person and said I was depressing her rather than encouraging her.
When I realized that, I could not believe what a bad partner I was. I saw her as my fountain of optimism, but as I'm an insecure person, I did not acknowledge fast enough that I'm draining her of her optimism and making her more insecure and unhappy.

Now I know that I shouldn't think about "what could have been" but about the future. And let me tell you, I'm scared. I'm quite a dependent person, and I'm constantly looking for strings to hold on to in life. My partner was my string, and now that it's lost, I feel like a part of me was cut out. She left a huge gap in my heart as she had everything that I wanted in a partner. Now the way I see it, the size of the gap is the problem. It's easy to say "you'll find someone else". Duh, of course you can find someone else; the problem is finding someone to fill the gap in your heart, and finding someone as attractive and as interesting to me is going to be friggin' hard. And I am quite picky, there's a specific type of women that I'm attracted to.

And I'm exactly in the stage of my life when many of my friends are getting married. That's frightening; In addition to the depression (why don't I have what they have?) it also feels like the market of potential partners my age is shrinking; like, "all the good ones are taken, the only ones left are the weirdos or those who have incredibly high standards".

Bottom line, I don't know how to deal with it. I have my friends and family to support me, and they do help. But I feel the depression won't go away. My friend said I may need around six months to truly get over it, but that's a hell lot of time. Should I go back to dating? This is also a challenge because I'm not in a stage of my life when I meet many single women. I don't have that many female friends, especially not single ones, and I'm not the kind of person who picks up women in clubs or pubs and such, and my friends also don't do that.  I feel like only meeting someone new would truly help me get over it.

What do you think guys? Those are many questions that I raised hear, I'd be glad to hear comments.

[zangetsu468]

1) Don't try to be with someone to just "fill a gap" in your life. It doesn't work, I've seem it time again.
2) Dependence, cousin of loneliness, is a slippery slope which very few would be advised to dare trying to tread. Of course people can become complacent, but (aside to some extent from family, mainly parents) you technically shouldn't be relying on anyone.
3) This woman cheated on you.. Suffice to say nothing that comes out of my mind can sound nice or civil about that fact.. I'd really think on that and let it percolate rather than placing the blame on your self.
Example: You say you were a pessimist with her, it doesn't make you a piece of shit who deserves cheating on. You deserve to have better for yourself. In time you will learn that someone who accepts you and loves you for you will never EVER subject you to this.
How shameless is she blaming this component on you? It takes two to make a relationship fail; her and you.
It takes two to lie - one to lie, one to listen; again - her and you. Think about it.
4) Date as many woman and complete as many Castlevania games as it takes to get over her.

[X]

And I'm exactly in the stage of my life when many of my friends are getting married. That's frightening; In addition to the depression (why don't I have what they have?) it also feels like the market of potential partners my age is shrinking; like, "all the good ones are taken, the only ones left are the weirdos or those who have incredibly high standards".

Don't let yourself fall into this mindset. It's poisonous. I can remember two topics back where you were having issues and mentioned something along these lines. I'll inform you once more; Pier pressure. That's what it is. You see what's going on around you and are getting it into your head that you should be doing/getting the same thing they have. Don't think that way. Let it go. You have your own life to live and lead. You are not a lemming where if one decides to walk off a cliff you'll follow. You are a human being who was given the gift of free will. Pier pressure is garbage and will only mislead you down the road. None of us will ever know about what our futures hold because we're not supposed to. It would defeat the purpose of coming down here to learn and experience. I'm terrified of my own future, yet I also know that it was something I decided for myself long before I was born. Because I wanted the experience no-matter how brutal it could possibly be. Yet I don't know what that will be because I'm not supposed to know 'till it actually happens. Again, don't let the people around you define what you need or should have. At least you can say you've had a woman in your life. Me? I have not. And I'm perhaps even more picky then you are which is why nothing in my non-existent love life has changed for better. Just give yourself time to getting back on track.

[Mooning Freddy]

I thought about it today, and suddenly something hit me, something that was right there before my nose but for some reason I ignored it as I was so focused in what I lost.

I realized why this happened. Why I suddenly turned cold to her and have done things that hurt despite loving her;
The crisis only made me see it from her perspective. I forgot about what I felt before things turned bad. I realized why I somewhat stopped caring as much about her. It was there all along.

Last Christmas we had a conversation about our future. It was a difficult conversation in which she made it clear what she wants to do in her life. She said then that she does not believe in marriage, and that she doesn't really want children; that she want to focus on her career and that she believes it's incompatible with raising a child, and if she does have children, it's going to be in a later stage in her life. I said, fine, I don't want to have children that soon either.
No, she said, you don't get it. Not in a year or two; maybe not in the next ten years. She said that she considers freezing egg-cells.
This was too much for me. Does she want to be an old mother? I didn't like the idea. In addition, it was apparent that if she does decide to have children, she wants to raise them HER OWN way, which included homeschooling that I didn't really approve of. Also, I do want to get married.
I realized at that point there was no point really of trying to convince her otherwise. She had a very strong stance on those issues. But I loved her. And wanted to be with her. I told myself that I don't really care, and that maybe my own stances on this would change.

But unconsciously, I may have acknowledged that the relationship was doomed. I felt that meant the relationship had no potential of moving anywhere if she isn't open to debate on those issues. I told myself, but I love her, and if I only tried to change... But somehow from that point it wasn't the same to me anymore.

The weird thing is that I told myself this couldn't be the reason. I was just a lousy boyfriend. I need to fix my attitude and then romance would return. But that conversation during Christmas was a dealbreaker, I just didn't acknowledge that it was because I was convincing myself that I don't care. But I had.

It's weird how sometimes the most obvious things are not obvious.

[theplottwist]

I will not comment much longer beyond this:

You will not get over this until you honestly notice two things:
1. You're much better than you think you are. By what I read, you've been fed so much bullshit you started believing it.
2. It takes a long time to surpass this depression. It took me 2 years, and almost an eye. I stopped eating and sleeping, and went temporarily blind from my left eye because I thought I'd never get better. Do not let this happen to you, because you WILL get over it, and when it happens, you'll notice how silly you were.

And my personal list of best practices:
1. Cut any and all contact with her. Do NOT seek to know anything about her.
2. Improve yourself. Do awesome things. Get out and know people.
3. For the love of god, do not stop eating and sleeping.
4. If the subject about her arises, be honest and say what you think at the moment.

Lastly, one truth you're too blind now to perceive:
1. She didn't "find" someone. She never "considered" giving you another chance, and there never was a "weight", She's on the rebound. The guy with her now was the one who listened to her go on and on about how bad you were. Soon, he'll be the one getting out of the relationship due to noticing her true colors. That's what happens with people who fill the gaps in their hearts with other people instead of fixing themselves.

I know this because not only I went through the same thing on my breakup, but I was the rebound guy. And by god I regret it so much. Not even the sex is worth it.

You're awesome and I'm pretty fucking sure she's the one at a loss here.

[Mooning Freddy]

Woah, man. I feel your pain. I'm not even THAT depressed. It's only that the breakup happened at the same time with other shitty stuff in my life, so I need to "re-navigate".

Lastly, one truth you're too blind now to perceive:
1. She didn't "find" someone. She never "considered" giving you another chance, and there never was a "weight", She's on the rebound. The guy with her now was the one who listened to her go on and on about how bad you were. Soon, he'll be the one getting out of the relationship due to noticing her true colors. That's what happens with people who fill the gaps in their hearts with other people instead of fixing themselves.

Hahaha, it would be funny if this was the case. I felt really jealous, but I guess eventually I won't be anymore, as I acknowledged now that it's already been doomed nine months ago and I refused to accept that.  I'm not in touch with her anymore, which I realized is the right thing to do from my friends, but when she mentioned it, she seemed very insecure about her new partner / relationship. For all the parts I disliked about her, she was always honest. Oh, she also mentioned her new partner is the guy she cheated on me with, so I guess she just decided to hang on him. 

[Bloodreign]

I'll just leave this here, my own quote:

Every failure is a learning experience, learn from your mistakes.

[Shiroi Koumori]

Start from here: Love yourself more.

[zangetsu468]

Start from here: Love yourself more.

This. I will add to make yourself happy first, love someone else second.

[Dracula9]

Oh, she also mentioned her new partner is the guy she cheated on me with, so I guess she just decided to hang on him. 

Fucking knew she would.

Honestly, pain aside it's probably for the better that this happened. She needs to get her own shit together and that's in no way something you're responsible for. It's gonna suck for awhile, but the selfish ball-and-chain (and I mean that more literally rather than just the slang for a significant other) has been cut away, and you just have to readjust to that freedom again.

[Gunlord]

Yeah, I'm with Dracula, Zangetsu, and Shiroi. Loving yourself is the most important thing, Freddy, and it looks like this may be for the best; if the relationship wasn't working out for both of you, no need to beat yourself up over its ending. *hugs*

[JR]

This. I will add to make yourself happy first, love someone else second.

Bingo. Start valuing yourself before you start looking for a partner.

From what I've seen of you on here, FWIW, you don't give yourself nearly enough credit.

But good riddance to the girl. She sounded like an albatross around your neck. Just a complete drain.

[Mooning Freddy]

Bingo. Start valuing yourself before you start looking for a partner.

From what I've seen of you on here, FWIW, you don't give yourself nearly enough credit.

Bah, that is a problem of mine. Ironically, she said this to me too. That it's hard to value a person who doesn't value himself or think he's special. I thought that I would be more secure when I get into a relationship, but instead I became obsessed by the relationship and dependent on it because the ex has been such an interesting person and I learned a lot through her. In other regards, though, she was unbearable. She was not willing to give me the kind of commitment that I wanted and was not open enough to new things.

[darkmanx_429]

Bro, I am not trying to be d*ck, but let me put things in perspective. First, f8ck that b*tch. If you broke up she wasn't right for you anyway. Everyone is right you need to value yourself first.

Back to the perspective thing, I am currently in a divorce with my wife who we were in a relationship for 7 years. She took my little son out of the area and then moved out of our house unannounced, leaving me with all the bills and nothing in my house. She even filed an injunction against me (which was a lie and got dismissed, which she didn't even show up for of course), but all in this I haven't been able to seem my son at all and the court systems, community outreach programs etc. are all bs and won't help me. Yet she can tell lies on me and leave me in a empty house in a financial hardship while running off with my son.

Now I am losing everything I worked for, I even had to drop out of school, I got laid off my job as well and fighting to even get unemployment, barely above water.

Trust me this is just a sucky foot note in your life. I am going through the worst time in my entire life because my first and only little boy is involved.

Because of this I have a very shitty view for women (at least women in America) now and their sense of entitlement. (She wasn't American..)

Take my advice, stay single as long as you can. If you need companionship just date, but don't commit to anything and leave your options open till you are without a shadow of a doubt sure about the "right one."

Reverse the tables and let the women work to run after you, not the other way around. That's the biggest lesson I have learned from all this. If you have to chase or pay for someone's affections or attention they are not worth your time!

[zangetsu468]

What darkmanx is saying in a nutshell:

"You lose money chasing women, never lose women chasing money"
- Nas