Topic: Classic guy mistakes

[Mooning Freddy]

I made a classic guy mistake yesterday, by failing to be sensitive when I had to be.
Problem is, my girl is a smart lady, so I often have conversations with her like I have with my friends, which leads to me making insensitive jokes or remarks, and her getting hurt and mad with me.
Yesterday I was talking to her and she said she's having a hard time because she has tons of assignments at her college.
Jokingly, I said, "Well, you brought it upon yourself, didn't you?" (meaning, she chose to study what she's studying).
She did not find it amusing and said "What do you mean by that? Don't you have even a little pity?"
And this is where I really f**ked-up. Rather than admitting it was a joke and supporting her, I started telling her that her situation is not as bad as she thinks it is, that there are people who are in a harder situation than the one she's in, and mentioned her friend, a single mother who needs to study as hard as her AND raise a child at the same time.
She said I'm being insensitive by telling her all this instead of comforting her and got mad with me.

On the one hand I realized that I'm being insensitive by saying what I said to her; on the other, I felt that I had to say it because I felt she is exaggerating in how bad her situation is. She doesn't have to work for a living or do anything else while studying, so with the stoic education I've been used to at home, I felt like I had to tell her that she has no reason to complain. 

Do any of you guys have "classic guy mistakes" that you made in relationships? Please share them so I wouldn't feel alone. 

[X]

I've never in my life, ever gone through a classic guy mistake. And of course that's due to me being socially recluse. Never had any dates or girlfriends so there was never any 'mistakes' to be made. To admit to her that it was a failed attempt at humor probably would have been the best solution since you can't take back what you said before. But you are also correct in saying that this is something she chose for herself to do. However complaining is probably the only way she can vent out the stress that the homework is putting on her. Everyone needs to vent at some point. Some women can bare stress better then others. Like those single mothers you mentioned who study for a collage or university degree while working jobs. It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't have that kind of experience and is therefore more susceptible to a stress blowout if the workload becomes too much and that is definitely a bad time to joke.  The only advice I can give you would be to patch things up with her. Tell her that you're sorry for the mistake you made, but also explain to her (logically would be the best way with a hint of emotional understanding) that this is something she herself chose to do.

That's about all i can do from here, lol. Good luck bro 

[Lelygax]

I can say that you still are lucky, some women would think that you were interested in her friend, since not everyone like comparations even more in this type of conversation. I think that if you explain how you feel and why you said these things she should understand.

No, never had that kind of experience, maybe because Im in a similar situation to X.

[darkmanx_429]

Well, if you need to go into "PR Mode" with her, try to explain it more that you weren't trying to downplay or disregarding her situation, but that you were just trying to lighten the situation and stay positive. Explain that you understand that she may get stressed at times and you want to just be that positive vibe in her life when she talks to you. That should help.

She probably was exaggerating the situation and probably not the first time she's done that if I go by what you wrote, but that goes on you dude. You've already accepted the fact she likes to exaggerate situations but you don't have to mention that to her all the time. Pick your spots.

I don't know everything, but I've been with my wife for 6 years...

[Ratty]

On the one hand I realized that I'm being insensitive by saying what I said to her; on the other, I felt that I had to say it because I felt she is exaggerating in how bad her situation is. She doesn't have to work for a living or do anything else while studying, so with the stoic education I've been used to at home, I felt like I had to tell her that she has no reason to complain.

Well then you weren't joking like you said, if that's what you really feel. But you should try to be supportive, not everyone is as strong as everyone else, and she's looking to you as a source of strength, not shame. Still, it's very important to speak your mind in a relationship and tell your partner what you really feel, not pass it off as "jokes". Because A.) it's going to come out eventually anyway and more importantly B.) a good relationship is built on communication and trust. Even if you don't always agree (and you won't) you need to be honest with each other about what you think.

Can't say I've had this kind of mistake. I guess the closest I'd come to something like this is several times when people have thought I was hitting on them, and other times when people were hitting on me, and it just completely flew over my head and the realization that that was what had been happening didn't come until weeks later out of the blue. Even though some of them had been really blatant. For example I remember one guy, an effeminate friend of a friend I was having lunch with, say something like "Hey wanna go back to my place? I bet we could have a lot of fun..." with bedroom eyes. And I just totally missed it at the time, don't ask me how, must have been very distracted. Probably for the best anyway, the guy was cute but had a lot of problems I was in no position to help with at the time.

[theANdROId]

Well then you weren't joking like you said, if that's what you really feel. But you should try to be supportive, not everyone is as strong as everyone else, and she's looking to you as a source of strength, not shame. Still, it's very important to speak your mind in a relationship and tell your partner what you really feel, not pass it off as "jokes". Because A.) it's going to come out eventually anyway and more importantly B.) a good relationship is built on communication and trust. Even if you don't always agree (and you won't) you need to be honest with each other about what you think.

I don't know that I could say it any better than Ratty did here! (Good words of wisdom here Ratty, by the way!)  Been with my wife for 5+ years, and it's been -- I would say -- as close to "Disney-style-happily-ever-after" as is realistically possible.  Being supportive in the stressful times (because we all have them...and usually when in them, we want to feel somewhat justified), but honest on the whole is what has made it all so wonderful and worth it!

As far as sharing my own stories?  Well, I can say I am a Grade A idiot...but because of that, I don't really remember the stupid stuff I've done, I just know I've done it!  If I do think of something, maybe I'll come back and share!

[crisis]

classic guy mistakes include, but are not limited to,

leaving the toilet seat up
not opening/holding the door for her to enter/leave first
having her pick up the tab
farting when shes around when you two only been dating for like a week
"you sound just like your mom"
"you pick where we should go tonight babe, i dont care"
liking other girls photos on instagram
hygiene & overall cleanliness

[JR]

My wife hates it when I reply with, "okay, mom," when she starts nagging me. Pretty rare occasion that this happens, though.

Also, sometimes I'll get her to exercise with me, and I get a little gung-ho about what I have her doing. I try to make sure she's getting a good workout, but I kind of forget her limits.

[Shiroi Koumori]

It is common for women to exaggerate stuff.
But really, sometimes it is important to give people some slack. People handle stressful situations differently.

I have a student who is a mother of 2 young kids, she handles stress better than the single ladies. Maybe motherhood changes a woman...

[Lelygax]

I think its because you start to stress everyday with the childs doing these child things xD

[X]

My wife hates it when I reply with, "okay, mom," when she starts nagging me.

Maybe you two should sit down and talk about what is and is not appropriate in a relationship? By setting yourselves some guidelines that you both can agree on, you can help avoid situations like this. Too many couples fight and separate due to such instances. Nobody's relationships are perfect but by knowing what is acceptable and what isn't then you can make it far less bumpy. The last thing you want in any relationship is the human ego popping in for a visit and ruining all that you worked hard for.

[Dracula9]

Not sure what I can say here that hasn't already been said, as all my experiences with women (what few there have been) have ended horribly for me (either by being used and thrown away or taken advantage of for the other party to capitalize on). Double my age and you get a certain Steve Carrell movie.

But anyhow, you said how you felt about the situation in a joking manner, from what I can gather. If you feel she's overexaggerating and it's getting on your nerves, let that be known, but don't come off as downplaying or anything. As it's been said, you both look to one another for support, not to be ridiculed. It may have been a veiled joke to lighten the tension to you, but my rule of thumb with veiled jokes is that if they poke fun at something someone's obviously very stressed over, it's probably best not to say it. Not saying you were in the wrong or anything with trying to lighten the mood, but your secondary response was probably a little out of line. That topic might very well be something that should be talked about, but not when she's in emotional turmoil over it. I don't think what you said was the issue, but moreso how and when you said it. Timing is everything, after all.

I guess my point here would be to support when support is needed, and structure when structure is needed. On both ends. If your significant other's visibly very stressed, I think the best thing to do is just comfort them. It doesn't have to be a clever joke, or overly romantic gesture, but sometimes a simple embrace goes a long way. Any sort of sign that shows you're there for that person while not being over-the-top, and really hugs are just awesome. They can go from friendly to sexual to deeply intimate in a matter of seconds, so anything that versatile is probably a safe bet.

As for how to resolve your current situation, I think apologizing (since the second quip was considerably harsher and probably not very appropriate for that particular time) and acknowledging how she's feeling is a good first step. You don't have to like or even agree with what or how she feels (and by the looks of things I don't think you do), but the bottom line is that she's stressed and could probably use your support right now. That should be your priority over whether or not she's "right" in her feelings. And also to realize that everybody's different and no two people handle things the same way. Yes, there might be that other woman who has to raise a kid and work AND study hard, but assuming that your girl operates the same under a "lesser" workload is actually rather cruel.

I run into this problem a lot, with people asserting that "I don't have it as bad as other people do." Regardless of whether the accusation is "correct" or not (yes, I know I have it better than a half-starved Third-World child, but that doesn't exactly fix whatever my current problem is, and just makes me feel guilty for something I have no control over whatsoever), assuming one's state of life or condition should completely affect how they feel is unfair and unjustified.

She has her own limits, her own feelings, and her own work management abilities, just like everyone else. It's a punch in the gut for you to dictate that she should work the exact same as someone else, just because that other person has a little more weight on their shoulders. Sure, it can be a decent motivator sometimes, but more often than not it aggravates and probably hurts the person you say it to. As I said, I get this thrown at me fairly often, and every time it happens, rather than motivate me to do more or whatever it's 'supposed' to do, it makes me question my worth in the eyes of the person who said it to me. Since it very literally compares my worth to the worth of someone else, and very obviously berates mine in favor of that other person's, it's a very painful feeling and often results in bouts of self-degradation.

I can't and won't speak for how your girl feels, but I did want to put my own experience in the mix. Perhaps she feels similarly to how I do in these situations, perhaps not, but I think you need the perspective of how the "well this person has it worse than you and they manage, what's your excuse?" line can affect people.

tl;dr say you're sorry and support your girl. Whether you agree with how she feels isn't what's important right now, she's obviously stressed and could use some comfort from the person who's supposed to be there for her, not jokes and ridicule made at her expense.

And also, remember the three golden rules of comedy:
Consider your audience and their environment.
Consider your timing.
Consider your wording.

Since you appear to be like me, the guy who uses comedy as a conversation-starter/tension-diffuser, adhering to those rules is an essential part of not pissing people the fuck off or inadvertently attacking their feelings.

[zangetsu468]

classic guy mistakes include, but are not limited to,

leaving the toilet seat up
not opening/holding the door for her to enter/leave first
having her pick up the tab
farting when shes around when you two only been dating for like a week
"you sound just like your mom"
"you pick where we should go tonight babe, i dont care"
liking other girls photos on instagram
hygiene & overall cleanliness

The ones in bold, you should pay attention to, the others aren't really that important at the start purely because:
There's no guarantee you'll be using the same toilet
Different women have different views on splitting the bill (some women always want the guy to pay, some take turns, some want to split everything every time, etc)
The red is not a mistake. If you have an honest and open enough line of communication, your partner won't care about you liking other womens' photos. Of course whether you believe this is appropriate is another matter. Unless you're liking pornographic or highly suggestible photos or it's the same girls photos every time, I don't see any harm. There's plenty of fashion based accounts on instagram which involve photos of both men and women, it just depends whether you're actually perving or not. If you one does have to constantly perve then maybe instagram is not your biggest issue.

OP I don't think what you said is overly anything really. It sounds very directed and maybe a tad insensitive, but at the end of the day I don't think it's reasonable for somebody to stay mad or hold a grudge because of this. Succeeding in a relationship is not the same as never putting a foot wrong, remember that. It's seriously about trying your best for one another. Maybe in your statement to her she didn't feel that which is why she reacted the way she did. However, we're all human, we make mistakes and in the grand scheme of things this is not grounds for punishment or dismissal imo. You have to be able to say what's on your mind, if you don't click on this level then it is what it is. If you feel you genuinely hurt her feelings, however, than by all means you should apologise and be articulate/ succinct about why you're sorry. I would simply say I'm sorry for being insensitive, guys are more so than woman (in general) which is why we get a rep for it. However, apologising for something you didn't realise was insensitive at the time is being the bigger man. Take from this what you will.

[TheouAegis]

I bitch about how much I spend on my girlfriend all the time. Sometimes she offers to pay. She's like, "You always complain about not having enough money, but I've seen your savings account statements." And I'm like, "I didn't get that much money spending it all on women, I can tell you that!" Then she's like, "So why do you insist on taking me out to dinner all the time and getting a hotel room every other weekend?" Then I tell her I love her.

[Mooning Freddy]

After our latest argument, it seems to me like I am more mad with her than the other way around. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't.
My biggest problem is that she is overly sensitive, especially about her looks (and that is weird because she's very pretty).
She says that I constantly hurt her feelings by things I say.
And what annoys me most is that she really has no reason to be hurt or upset. It's driving me nuts. Our latest argument was after we were chatting and I casually said, "hey, do you change your hair style often?" and she said "no, why should I change my hair style?", I said, "I don't know, it just looks kinda plain to me". It was not something that I even really thought through. I thought that it was nothing but apparently she considered that pointless remark an insult.
Yesterday we talked about it, and I tried to explain to her that I was not intending to insult her, but she said that I was being rude and tactless by often making comments about her looks.
This is where I got mad and said that we are in a relationship for a while now and that means it should be okay for me to make comments on her looks and she should not be upset by negative comments because she knows that I love her.
She would not listen, however, to what I was saying and said "Is it so hard to understand that you should not make negative comments on my looks? How about googling it, how to criticize people without being a dick."
At that point I decided to end the conversation. What about what I said makes me a dick? Her exaggeration of every single comment that I make is driving me nuts. She said that I don't care about her feelings. How did she get to this from me making an insignificant remark about her hairstyle?
And it's not like I'm trying to criticize her, I'm just being myself. I can't help myself making this kind of remarks, especially since we are really close. It's just that I don't know what are the things that upset her. In some things she seems to be very open to requests or critique, while in others she is extremely shy and sensitive, and it seems like I can't really predict how she is going to react to too many things I say or ask. It's like she has the intelligence of an adult but the emotional sensitivity of a child.

I have decided to not talk to her until she thinks about it seriously and decides to talk to me. I don't know if it's a great decision but I am somewhat getting sick of explaining myself to her and receiving bitchy comments. Maybe if she thinks I'm angry with her she would think about her overreactions.