Reviving this old thread to give a bit of an update to anyone who had been following before.
So we had made that decision not to date but remain friends instead. Sounded like a good idea at the time, and ultimately was the most sound decision, but it didn't prevent my heart from being crushed. After a couple weeks, it really hit me, and I experienced the most miserable four months of my life. I was in such a slump, and feelings of just wanting to die drowned me every day. It may seem silly, but I had wanted to spend my life with this girl. I was deeply in love; it wasn't just a very strong crush.
Eventually around May, I realized I needed to get out of what I was in. Started seeing friends more, putting myself out in the open, making changes to my life, doing things I'd never done before—anything just to stop being miserable. I couldn't enjoy any of the things I liked anymore.
Periodically I'd try to see her. She's kept herself busy, and in my opinion has kept herself from me, though she says otherwise. There just wasn't any communication or friendship. I think more than anything, her mom has kept her away from me. Perhaps for the best—best for me, I mean.
A friend of mine also told me that he and her had been discussing dating since April. I thought that was such crap that he went and did this while he knew I was still lovelorn and miserable. It was also such bullshit that she told me we couldn't ever talk about things and have proper closure (since the way we kind of ended it was far from ideal), and she simply said, "I need to be content in my singleness"; but here she's been talking to someone else about the possibility of dating. Nice one, presumably lying to me and not being straightforward.
I find out today via Facebook (fuckfuckFUCK) that she's dating my childhood friend, the one who was going for her. I won't go so far as to say he's no longer my friend, but I can, in the meantime, give a hearty "fuck you"—not to his face because I'm a pussy and I also don't want to regret anything I may say, but for the time being, he's a cocksucker and an asshole.
Ultimately I wish the two of 'em well, and he's the guy I thought would be better for her anyway, but I'm pretty miffed at how I've been disregarded in all this. There's obviously a lot I haven't said and don't wanna go into, because frankly I've tried my best just to forget all the details and move on, but I feel like a lot of things have been done behind my back and that there hasn't really been honesty in some of their responses to me.
My friend is kind of a bitch, though... Not once has he ever been the one to initiate hanging out, save for birthday parties when we were real young. I got super pissed at him about this (internally) but then a few days later he calls me up and asks to hang out. "Hot damn! Wouldn't ya know!" Sure enough, however, he mainly wanted to get together to tell me he's been talking with this girl for quite a while. So I can still say he's never once initiated getting together in our teen and adult lives. Because of that and because of him going for the girl when he did, I really don't want to see or talk to him right now. I don't want to be mean or harsh and tell him he's a dick, but I kinda just want to avoid the two of them—especially now that they're dating.
And that's another thing that peeves me off. When I talked with her a little bit last month, I had actually wanted to give it one last push. I thought, "Fuck this guy, I was here first," and I'll admit I was selfish, but at the same time I figured it had been this many months (this was early August) and I was still thinking about her a lot, that I needed to at least have some kind of closure—tell her what she meant to me (because I don't think I really conveyed that very well), see if there's a possibility for anything to happen, and if nothing else at least get things out there so I don't have to think about it anymore. It didn't work out; originally she was going to allow me an opportunity to talk with her privately and she thought that was a good idea, but it's obvious her whore-cunt of a mother told her not to—since she controls her life, after all—and because of that I never had a chance. So the girl, she gets in her last words, I tell her that's a bit unfair since I've never been allowed to say any words, and we decide just to drop it for good.
Regardless, it still acted as closure. I saw firsthand just how disgusting and manipulative her mother is and decided there's no chance I'd ever want that hellbeast as a mother-in-law, so it's enabled me to move on although still with a bit of sting. I've been happier these past few weeks, at least.
The gal, she tells me once her schedule has freed up, the three of us should go do something. I smile and say, "We'll see," and we haven't spoken since, nor have my buddy and I talked the past few weeks. I kind of just...need my space from the two of them right now. And I certainly wouldn't want to ever hang out again just the three of us. That's how it had been for years, but it can never be that way again, even though she can't seem to understand why. I'll give it some time, and if they want me along, I'll bring a friend—or heck, maybe even a girlfriend (if I find one; at the moment I just don't even care about dating). But there's no way we'll ever again be a trio, even if the two of them weren't dating: I just can't allow my heart to be in that kind of circumstance again, because it resembles a time when I was really thinking about her a lot.
To her, the possibility of dating me was an interesting idea, and one which she seriously considered for about five months. It's obvious that it was just her pondering, "Well, he's a good friend, maybe it'd work"; while to me, I had my eye on her for a number of years, and it was more than just that.
Anyway, this is just basically a "stream-of-thought" type post, just a little bit of venting to get this shit out of my brain. I realize there's a lot of missing information and it may not make a lot of sense, but it's more to vent than a psychiatric visit, heh. Some of my friends have heard enough and I'm tired of dragging myself down by making a big deal out of it, so I just wanted to spew this out somewhat anonymously. I'm actually kind of happy for them after I've let it sink in a bit. They're a better pair, even if I'm doubting that he can deal with her idiosyncrasies as well as I could have. He doesn't really know about them for one thing, since they haven't actually gotten close as friends until recently. Well, he can have the fun of dealing with her weird hang-ups due to her brain injury, and he can deal with her mentally ill mother. It's none of my concern anymore.