I'll try to make it as short as I come.
It all started in high school. During primary school I always got grade A notes, so I thought I was popular because my parents made me believe high notes on exams were all that mattered. I always liked fairy tales and classical music, I went to piano and drawing lessons for many years until I ended both careers during high school...
But it turned out that when high school started, I was no longer the one to go for help with study. No longer did the other girls care about grades... now they cared for hanging out, going to dance in pubs, drinking... and I remained the same. More mature then them, always... too mature for my age, adults always said. The other girls had meanest ways to put it, and they made me know it every time they could.
They made everyone in school believe that I was weird because of my tastes, and that I was better left alone.
I slowly got farther and farther away from youth and the school crowd. No longer I was able to enjoy life.
Boys got that same feelings towards me, and living in a small town didn't help, at all.
I don't know what went into me during that years, but I always wished I was one of the popular girls, instead of who I was. In time, I learned to accept me and love me for what I am. I guess just something remained of that wish, but in another way.
I was never able to have a boyfriend from my town.
I had some flirts with boys during holidays when I was a teenager, but they only lasted one night or a few days.
When my parents got divorced, I thought that it was my opportunity when I went to live with my mom to a city, but I could never adapt to the city life. And when I had a chance to work, I got back to my town.
Of course, everyone had their life now. Everything was different, and I didn't suffer anymore that stigmata because I liked anime, games and "weird" stuff. Now I had my own life. But I was alone.
Some of the other "weird" people that used to hang out with me during high school still was there, but they didn't have much time now. I still see them from time to time, though. They are what I can call friends now. Them, and my brother and parents, of course, who are my best friends.
I recall over and over the few times I was with someone (as a couple), and I'm still really confused.
I should have read the signs earlier and shouldn't have fear to accept who I was. I used to have in a hidden folder, in my computer, that mangas some of you may already know about. It was a teenager fantasy...
I always liked feminine boys, and every relationship I had didn't last, and I don't know if it was just because they all were from other towns and had to travel to see me. I mean, I like men. But when they are on a screen, not only anime, but that Hollywood love always gets me. I watch so many love movies, and I cry a lot...
What I recall as the most magical time of my life, however, was with another girl.
I was 19, and I was on holidays with my family, and I was still confused about that curiosity inside me. But I thought that it didn't care, because I was in another country and I wasn't going to see her again. I won't say her name, or the country, but I will tell the story.
I always saw her at the swimming pool (it was winter, so it was a pool with hot water and roof). I started talking casually, and then we started hanging out every night. The last night until everyone was returning (it was a time share so every family was there for an exact week, and the hotel organized a dinner and dance for all the families), I took my chance and, after having some drinks and dancing, we went out to talk, to the garden, and I derived the conversation to what I wanted. I thought the way was clear, so I gave her a kiss, and she didn't say anything, smiled and looked into my eyes... she was so beautiful... so we did it for a while, in her room. Just kissing, nothing more. But the landscape of a beautiful garden, a night when I knew we were never seeing each other again, my first kiss with a girl, a romantic window, remain until today as my most magical night. It was like one of that fairy tales I used to read many years ago... someone else ago.
We left letters at reception the next morning because she was leaving early and I was leaving at mid day.
No one ever knew about this, of course. Everyone thought of us as just two girls hanging out.
Now, several years after that experience, and some relationships after, I still find it very difficult to find someone.
I've had some casual encounters when traveling, or in holiday. I could fall for someone like Juste, but that's just fantasy; real life is another story.
But I could never feel that magic inside me again.
So I guess I must accept it. This is me.
I think I'm interested in both sexes when it comes to just casual meetings, but I don't think I can fall in love with a man again, since I've been hurt many times, and I believe the only time I felt pure love was that one, with a girl in a very distant country.
Every girl in my town knows me, and people in my town is very close minded about these subjects.
And everyone that I find beautiful is already married or in a long relationship.
To make things worse, I don't think there is a person that I find beautiful and kind at the same time.
And I have low self esteem because high school experiences, but I've been told in another cities and countries that I was pretty, so I don't think the problem is about that, either.
I like living in a town and dislike life in the city.
But I can't have love in my little town.
The thing is that here, I have a solid work, my family, my home, some friends...
I just don't know what to do, and I'm already 23 years old now.
And since I don't have anyone to talk about it in person, I thought about asking for advise here on this forum, where people seems so nice and willing to help each other.
I couldn't make it shorter.
Thanks to anyone who kept reading until the end, and sorry for bothering you with such a long and personal story.
If I never give more personal data in this or any other online place is is just because I don't want to risk my now fairly acceptable social position in my town. You never know when someone could read something. In my town they are fairly "OK" with a single young woman.
Thanks again.