You know what I think this thread needs?
A nice Maria fanfic.
One day, Maria woke up and said, "I wish somebody would post that picture of me."
And then Alucard said, "Wishes are like assholes. Now go make me a sandwich!"
"You're really out of character," said Maria.
"That's because this is FANFIC!" Alucard
ejaculated exclaimed. "I'm out of character to justify getting you with the author avatar!"
And then HE APPEARED! A vision of manliness and awesomeness, the Mysterious Vampire Hunter Ridureyu (who si better than Richter) swept onto the scene! Maria fell in love and everybody was happy.
And then John was a zombie.