If I put it before her that way, she would say, "yes, my career is more important. But... I really wouldn't want you to make me take that choice." And then she would try to convince me how I would be happy too if I stayed with her and let her pursue her life of choice, and how lonely she would be if I left her. Technically she has an advantage in this argument because she already imagines what her dream career and life is going to be like, while I haven't really decided yet. So it's easier for her to convince me.
What annoys me is the idea- that she basically wants me to compromise on my goals for the sake of love while not altering hers.
I think that "yes, my career is more important" in any form is a big red flag in and of itself. That's not a foundation for a healthy relationship, marriage or no. You not having planned out the rest of your life by the age of 25 in no way makes you less important than her career.
At the same time, I would never force her to make the choice for the sake of making the choice. If you're happy where you are, and have no reason to potentially end the relationship, then don't force her to choose. But to me it doesn't sound like you see the relationship going in the direction that you want, and it's making you unhappy. If your goals are to get married and have kids, and hers are not, that's going to be a problem at some point.
That's part of the problem. She would say that she wants to be with me forever and doesn't want anybody else, but sometimes I feel that she sees me like her teddy bear, that I'm her best friend, the guy who helps her and supports her and makes love to her. But that is not exactly what a husband is, and a true partnership requires more than that, like a true commitment to partnership and cooperation and compromise, not just the "I would love you forever as long as you let me do what I want" that she gives me.
I agree with everything you've just said. Neither a husband nor a wife is just someone you keep around to make you feel good. It is a mutual partnership built on sacrifice, compromise, and self-giving.
Because of that, what I've bolded stands out to me. You are supposed to help her and support her. That's an important part of a healthy relationship, so you're doing that right, which makes me ask: Do you feel like your girlfriend is not helping and supporting you? Do you have goals that you feel you aren't being nurtured? Do you have a career that you feel your girlfriend wouldn't sacrfice for to see succeed under any circumstances? Do you feel like if you stayed in this relationship you'd be taking a backseat, and be taken along for the ride?
Another part of the problem. I think that she somewhat lives in a dream world and that she might not necessarily succeed in her choice of career. That might just be me being a horrible pessimist, and I really hope she does succeed, but she's very ideological, and I feel sometimes she's not being realistic and down-to-earth enough. I don't really know what kind of family I want; as long as it's a true partnership like I described before.
I don't know you, and I don't know your girlfriend, so all I have is your side of the story. So I'm going to attempt to look at this from her side of the argument given what you've said in this thread.
You've said that she's very driven, and it sounds like to me she's got a plan for her life. Are you driven? Do you have a goal that you're willing to pursue to the point where she wants to get behind it? Are you someone who is worth compromising for? If she took a risk by marrying you and having your children, something that could very well hurt her career aspirations, would It pay off? Would you be able to pick up the slack? Are you someone that can help her build the life she wants?
I'm in no way trying to imply that you're doing something wrong by not having everything planned out for yourself at 25, but if she is very goal oriented and you're not, that might explain why she's not being very compromising.
Or she could just be stubborn and unwilling to compromise because that's how she is. Again, I'm not you.
My second persona is not allowing me to end the relationship because I have doubts about it. It may sound weird, but the fact that the relationship is difficult is actually encouraging me to continue it. It's like a challenge that I need to overcome. I feel like I completed the first stage of finding a person that I like enough to live the rest of my life with. Now comes the second, harder stage, of trying to form a stable, solid partnership with her. Is that insane? Am I a relationship masochist?
Monogomy is a challenge, and being married myself, I think Scott M. Peck said it best: "Love is an act of will -- namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
There's nothing insane about recognizing that a relationship takes hard work and effort to make work, and I admire your desire to want to work through a rough patch in your relationship rather than jump ship. You're making a choice to love your girlfriend, you just want to see that love returned.
That being said, you cannot change your girlfriend. She may never change. And that's her right. So you have a very simple decision to make: If nothing changed about your relationship, would you be ok with that? Would you want to spend the rest of your life with your girlfriend exactly the same as she is now?
I like metaphors, so bear with me: It's much like a house. If your ultimate goal is to find a house in the woods, and you live in a house in the city, no amount of home repairs and structural solidification will move your house to where you want it to be. That doesn't mean you can't be happy in the city, but if it's not where you want to be, then it's not where you want to be, end of story.
I don't think talking to us about it anymore is going to help you. You need to reflect on it, and have a serious talk with your girlfriend about it. I'll be praying for you, and I hope whatever you ultimately decide is the right choice for you.