Topic: Could use some advice

[Dracula9]

Okay, before I start on this text fortress, I feel I should put up a disclaimer to kind of give a guide on my thought process on this whole matter.

I've never had a girlfriend, and what few sexual encounters I've had were barely more than pitiful teenage foolings-around. Ergo, I haven't much confidence where matters of relationships and romance are concerned. Keep that in mind, it explains a lot of this stuff.

Long overdrawn backstory:

(click to show/hide)

Been crushing on a girl (who I will refer to as Sloth when necessary; there's an inside joke with the Seven) hard for a little over a year now, and it wasn't until early this year (February-Mayish) that I started thinking about her more seriously. She's one of a group of female friends I hang with (the group part will come into play later), and I'm wracking my head trying to figure out both where the hell I stand on my feelings, and where she stands (both in my feelings as well as hers, if there are any on her part).

Did something nice for a holiday I normally hate (Feb. 14th because always single) and that seemed to go well. After that many embarrassing attempts to spend time with her flopped (mostly because I was a nervous wreck and didn't really know how to ask without stuttering and trailing off, I loosen my collar at the mere memory of it), and we didn't really see or talk to each other for a couple months, when another of the friends hosted a graduation party for her and a couple of others.

This is where things start to nosedive, at least from my perspective. Through the course of the night (at which point I'm one of the few sober ones, mostly because I don't like being any kind of mentally unfocused and I'm also twenty) I tried a bunch of times to talk to her, all of which failed. Partially due to me being inexperienced, and partially because two dozen or so drunk people makes for a lot of topic-changing and lack of a quiet enough environment for more serious conversation. Night goes on, and I'm sitting on the porch having a smoke (I should mention also that this is a huge-ass house in the middle of some deep woods, the atmosphere was and is so fucking relaxing once things quiet down), and she comes by and sits down next to me.

Pay close attention, this is where D9's male ego gets hit and he proceeds to overanalyze and confuse himself even more.

She pulls my face towards her and tells me that I'm cute, but need to grow a pair, three or four times with different wording. That was it. No explanation as to what exactly I did or didn't do or what she wanted out of it. And to make things even more confusing at the time, before I have a chance to really process what she could've meant by it, she kisses me. Only once, after which she left, but once was enough to both put me in the clouds and under the pendulum at the same time.

Day after, we all go home, about two-three weeks go by uneventfully. Then one of the other girls in the group (a friend of mine for several years who we'll call Wrath, the one who actually got me introduced to the group in the first place, as well as the one to tell me that I should pursue her) comes up to me and proceeds to inform me of a few things;

One, that Sloth had never intended to give me a chance.
Two, that before kissing me she had told Wrath that she would do so, and when asked by Wrath if it would mean anything, she said no.
And three, that I should either confront her or quit while I'm ahead.

So as you can imagine, given that Sloth didn't really talk much to me (at the time I got the impression that she wanted me to instigate everything) and that Wrath had known her for years, I immediately took this information to be true. After all, Wrath had had a few bad relationships/breakups and had been single for a long time, so she knew to whatever extent how that felt. She wouldn't have any reason to lie to me, right?

Well, needless to say I basically stopped talking and making any effort to communicate with Sloth for about four of five months. At the time my ego was still sore from her comments and the rest hurting from third-party information I took to be fact. Then the Halloween party comes up at the awesome woods-house again.

Pretty uneventful, I don't really talk to her much, she doesn't talk to me much, on my end I'm assuming it's a mutual distancing. Late in the night once earlybirds are leaving, I'm outside for a smoke and I go down to say bye to people. Sloth's down by the bonfire doing the same, and when she sees me she comes up and - for whatever reason - thought I was leaving too, so she gives me a hug and says bye. I tell her I'm not leaving and I get another one. A much longer and much tighter one. After which she goes really quiet and mentions that I hadn't talked to her all night, and then after a few seconds heads up the stairs into the house. To this day I don't know if she was drunk or not (she didn't seem it, but she's not that much different when she is), and have gone back and back wondering whether it meant something or if (in my hopefulness, let's call it) I was reading too much into it.

That party was on the 25th of October. She and I have remained in conversation quite a bit since, by comparison to how little we talked before.

Long overdrawn backstory ends here.

tl;dr for that novel is that I've been crushing hard on a girl for over a year, got a bunch of mixed signals, and through my own inexperience and foolish reliance on third-person word-of-mouth thought I got lead on. Now I'm fairly sure it was a bruised ego that was responsible, but I don't believe leading-on was the case.

Current situation:

Learned along the line that she's asexual, which accounts for a lot of what I formerly mistook as leading-on or giving deliberately mixed signals. I'd been approaching her from the perspective of a sexual person, rather than an asexual one (that lack of critical information will kill you). With me being a hopeless romantic and her being asexual, all the formerly confusing pieces have since fallen into sensible place; all that stuff before was likely miscommunication from the two of us having completely different points of view on the matter.

Now for the part I could use help with. I don't really know many asexual people, and Google hasn't been much help either. Has anybody here got any advice or tips for approaching her in a way that she'll be able to respond to? I don't want to come off the wrong way, and I've been really hesitant to speak how I feel for fear of offsetting or offending her. I know that, depending where on the spectrum they are, that asexuals can't feel love on a romantic or sexual level, so I'm clueless as to how to go about this. And it hurts like a motherfucker, because I really, really like her, but don't know how to really let it be known without immediately putting her off.

Help a poor hapless fool out?

[theplottwist]

I may write more later, but for now:

Do not waste your time trying to interpret her moves. They are exactly what you see, nothing more, nothing less. Take them as standalone literal actions. She does it because she can.
I tell you to not do it simply because first: You are not good at reading signs, as you have put yourself, and secondly: Women are much more pratical than it seems. Overanalysing things will make you go mad without an answer.

By your description, she sounds like the type of person that is already kinda distanced from everyone. The nickname she has seems to imply that you people are quite aware of this, of her "lazy going" personality. I may be overanalysing, since you already mentioned the movie, but still... All you have written about her seems to me like she does things out of a whim, and quickly lets them slide. She is not very fond of deep attachments.

Plus, one part of your text gave me a strong impression that she was merely toying with you. I'm a realist and won't use euphemisms. Telling you to "grow a pair" after telling someone else you never had a chance seems like a very evil thing to do. If not evil, manipulative. "Evil" and "manipulative" here being used in a somewhat loose interpretation: She may or may not be doing it on purpose. In both cases, she didn't think three seconds about the consequences of her actions before she took them. This is for sure.

Finally: You're a sexual person, and she's not (Which, with all due respect, seems like a flat-out lie to push others away). This has all ingredients to not end well.

I'm typing in a rush, so I may come back later to analyse things further.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm just some dude on the internet. Ultimatelly, you'll have to evaluate everything for yourself.

[Dracula9]

The nicknames are attributed to each of the seven members of that circle based on personality. The actual film Seven has nothing to do with it AFAIK.

Feel free to come back to it. I don't think this is something that I'll be figuring out overnight.

EDIT: I know. But that's what I've been trying to do so far and it's not gone terribly well. Outside perspectives may be helpful. Plus I've been around long enough to know that there are some good honest folk here, I trust their thoughts and opinions.

I should also point out (I'd forgotten to before) that the stuff told to me by Wrath has become more and more suspicious. She's been acting really vindictive and scornful the last few months, and some of our conversations have led me to believe that those things she said may have been embellished or altogether false. So add that to my state of confusion.

[theplottwist]

I should also point out (I'd forgotten to before) that the stuff told to me by Wrath has become more and more suspicious. She's been acting really vindictive and scornful the last few months, and some of our conversations have led me to believe that those things she said may have been embellished or altogether false. So add that to my state of confusion.

Three possibilities:

1-She's into you.
2-She's jealous, but not necessarily into you.
3-Sloth is not trusthworthy, and she's trying to get you far from her.

[Dracula9]

I'm thinking it's #2, she's stated more than a few times I'm like a kid brother. #3 may appear to be the case based on all that's happened, but there was another one in the group that basically got voted off the island for far less than this. Perhaps my vision is rose-tinted here, but I don't think Sloth does things out of any real negativity. I just think that she doesn't realize what those things can do.

[Shiroi Koumori]

Sorry to be blunt but, you said that she's asexual. That's it. End of story. Find another girl.
She is just willing to be friends and nothing more than that. And that kiss might just be the booze talking + her friendly attitude. Don't think deeper on it. Also... Sloth might have been dropping hints that Wrath likes you which you interpreted as Sloth liking you.

Then again, I have more male friends than female ones, and even I am confused by the ladies....
But I understand asexuality perfectly well.

[Dracula9]

I know for sure Wrath doesn't have a thing for me. She's got it bad for a mutual friend (who we both worked with for the longest time up until I got the fuck out of that shithole and onto this nice hotel job), but he's basically a super extrovert and - due to his massive amount of friends - winds up flaking a lot. So every time they make impromptu plans and something more important on his end comes up, Wrath gets really pissy and spiteful. Which is kind of understandable, but she knows the guy's got other priorities. Like his girlfriend. Which might explain why she's been so negative the last three or four months.

So yeah, I'm pretty sure she's not looking my way for a partner.

[X]

Sounds like a toxic relationship from what I've read so do try and find a way out of it. Whatever it takes. And yes, people who are asexual have zero sex drive. No dice with them. But at least you're trying to find someone though. Keep searching, you may yet get lucky 

[Shiroi Koumori]

As what X said, besides there are many more available fishes in the sea~
And I know there are ladies who would fall for a romantic type of guy.

[Dracula9]

Send them my way, wouldja? There might plenty of fish out there, but if you don't have the right bait or fishing skill, getting that good catch is easier said than done.

Sounds like a toxic relationship from what I've read so do try and find a way out of it. Whatever it takes. And yes, people who are asexual have zero sex drive. No dice with them. But at least you're trying to find someone though. Keep searching, you may yet get lucky 

Ah, there's the rub (for in that sleep of death what dreams may come?). I don't go into this sort of thing looking for sex (which has apparently become the norm), I go in looking for a good person with the intellect to hold a deep conversation. Sexual parameters come second.

Maybe that's my problem (cue sardonic chuckle), that sort of shit's becoming outdated.

[Shiroi Koumori]

Sheesh, you are still young and you think that you need everything to fall in place immediately. Nope. You will gain experience as you grow older. You will learn the tricks to getting a good catch. Being a late bloomer is still better than getting the wrong fish.
You mentioned you are in the hotel business, that's a good opportunity to increase your people skills.

The traits that you are looking for are found in more mature people, not to those who are in their early 20s where the sexual drive is still strong.

[Dracula9]

So go cougar-hunting. Got it.

I don't need everything to fall in place, but I'd like for one or two things to. Just because I'm twenty doesn't mean I can't want or have relationship traits more common in an older demographic. You should also know this isn't the first time I've been in a situation like this. I'm no stranger to rejection (and I'm not an asshole about it, either), but my feelings have been capitalized on and taken advantage of a few times before this. If I'm seeming a little jaded, that's why. Pain is a harsh teacher.

I don't know. Maybe the years of watching everyone else get their chance are taking their toll. The things I look for don't seem to be things other people look for (i.e. for a relationship to work long-term you need to find someone who's willing to put up with your bullshit and vice-versa, how many people in my age range do you think really take that into consideration?).

[Aridale]

Learned along the line that she's asexual

Thats all ya need to know! Walk away and pretend it never happened. Move on to someone else. I can say with all confidence from my 34 years on this earth... anyone that claims to be asexual is completely retarded and not worth the effort. I know that sounds cruel and makes me sound like an asshole but thats just how it is. If shes really asexual (if there even is really such a thing to begin with) then all youll be in for if shes interested in you at all (spoiler alert: shes not, shes asexual) is a relationship long bought of sexual frustration. If shes really not then shes some kinda attention whore that says stuff like that to try to get ppl to prove her wrong and at this point if you havent thrown it to her you arent goin to

It sux cause you really like her I know but move on. I know your shy and inexperienced but believe me... move on. This is the future were livin in unless your a complete social retard that cant function unless your alone in your moms basement you CAN find plenty of opportunities to atleast interact with girls and start building up your confidence and getting used to interacting with em. The internet is amazing for getting to know ppl with very little effort or initial investment. OkCupid is really good if you put a lil effort into it!

You can take my advise for whatever you want but I can tell you with 100% certainty Ive been there and done that. Ive ALWAYS had a hard time talkin to women if I saw em as anything more than just some chic. If I have a slight interest in her Im a blubberin retard or a awkward silent idiot. I missed no tellin how many opportunities to just get laid atleast if nothin else in my highschool and college years and even beyond that all because I either didnt have the courage to talk to girls or I was fixated on a girl that wanted nothin to do with me but I thought if I was the good guy and her bff eventually shed see me for what I was and fall madly in love with me. It never happened. Not once. Not even CLOSE. What happened was I watched these girls I thought I loved date every loser of every persuasion you can imagine then bitch to me about how terrible they were and how they needed a nice guy like me and didnt understand how I was always single. Dont be that guy. Ive been that guy damn near all my life its not worth it. Im almost 35 now and Ive had maybe 3 real relationships the rest were either lots (and lots) of single time with literally no interaction with girls or very short term gfs. Around 30 I stopped givin a fuck and if I was interested enough in a girl to send her a msg from her dating profile and date her til it ended and stopped worryin about it. Had one pretty good year plus out of that with a younger chic

Move on man! It sounds hard but its really that simple. 9 times outta 10 if you gotta guess that a chics into you shes prolly not. Not 100% the case but its a pretty good way to weed out any thats on the fence and if a chics tellin you shes asexual shes not just on the fence shes on another fuckin planet

[Dracula9]

What happened was I watched these girls I thought I loved date every loser of every persuasion you can imagine then bitch to me about how terrible they were and how they needed a nice guy like me and didnt understand how I was always single. Dont be that guy.

Too late. Been that guy for awhile now.

I've given online stuff some consideration but I'm hardly in a position of worth. I've got a good job, but given the fluctuating schedule some months I'm not making much, and as a direct result of my inconsistent paychecks I'm still living with the folks because I simply don't make the money to afford an apartment (and none of my friends are available as flatmates, so that's ruled out). I don't have a car (hell I never even filled out for my temps, all that shit's a money pit and, again, not making much), I don't have my own place, and don't exactly have too much to put on a profile other than "I spend most of the day sitting at a computer spriting/coding/composing or doing stupid shit in Skyrim, when I'm not sleeping all day from working nights."

Not exactly five-star dating material there. If I lived in an area with a denser population of quote-unquote gamergirls this might be a bit easier. But not here. Across the river in Cincinnati, maybe. But not here.

[Shiroi Koumori]

Hey, instead of self wallowing... why not enjoy being single instead? Change your perspective for now, then switch back when you are more financially stable.

Don't get cougars. What I meant was to wait a few more years or move to another location. Thus you need the money.