Topic: Is cheating a dealbreaker?

[Mooning Freddy]

Hey people. I am once again depressed and would to know your opinion about a subject.
My SO has cheated on me. She has been honest about it and admits it and also said she regrets doing it.
Now, here are the factors in the story, as a start to explain my situation.

1. My SO and I are in a long-distance relationship and have been away for a month.

2. Lately our relationship has not been going well. She said that she is not happy in the relationship, has been depressed and
we were on the verge of breakup. But we decided we should try and make it work because we love each other.

3. She said that she had sex with a friend of hers, not too close. It was a one-time "casual sex" during a holiday she took.
This factor is very painful to me, because it's not a "I found someone else" case. It's more of a "I was sad and depressed so I did it". It's more painful to me as I think sex should be reserved only for people you really trust and care about.

4. She was drunk. (not an excuse of course, we all know we control our wishes while drunk; it is only judgment that becomes clouded).

5. She said my position on casual sex was unclear. Partly true, because while I don't personally like the idea of casual sex, I said it's not a dealbreaker. But that was probably because I never seriously thought she could do it; When she said she had, I felt terribly disturbed and disgusted by the thought of her having sex with someone else.

6. She says she regrets it, never did it before and will never do it again, and wouldn't have done it if she know how bad I'd feel about it.


Here's the bottom line: we still love each other and want to be together. Yet my attraction for her has been hurt now that I know she's capable of casual sex, something that I find disgusting. She also half-blamed me for the cheating, saying it was because of the problems in our relationship and unsatisfactory sex.
I don't think there is any excuse for it, and told her from that point the relationship is most likely dead. There are still strong feelings, though, and the will to fix things.
But I don't know whether I should try. I suffered too much from her impatience towards me, and problems that I have with my feelings. I want to know what other people think and whether you think it's a dealbreaker.

[zangetsu468]

To be perfectly blunt if she blames you for her actions ie problems in relationship = her casual encounter, even though she may want to be with you, she doesn't care for you nor want the best for you imo. The residual feelings you still have will fade with time and I don't know if one would ever be comfortable sleeping with that person or even next to them again. The will to do it is pretty bad already, the execution must hurt and im really sorry you're going through this.

It concerns that it was a friend of hers also, that's worse than someone random imo as it seems to imply some form of pre-meditation.

The real question is can you forgive her for a) cheating b) blaming you for all relationship issues? It takes two to be a couple my friend.

I hope it either works out or you find some closure on the matter.

Best of luck.

EDIT: My stinking grammar.. Something went awry

[Gunlord]

Yeah, I'm with Zangetsu. It doesn't seem like she's treating you right, nor does it seem like she's as invested in the relationship as you are. Remember, love is a two way street, and your needs and desires should be respected as much as hers. If she's not willing to do that, you deserve someone who is willing.

[theplottwist]

Dude. I don't want to be evil, I really don't. But this whole thing is a major dealbreaker in my eyes. Let's go through the points based on what I think:

2. Lately our relationship has not been going well. She said that she is not happy in the relationship, has been depressed and we were on the verge of breakup. But we decided we should try and make it work because we love each other.

Being "not happy" and depressed is not an excuse for cheating. You get the fuck up there and tells what is wrong. If it doesn't work, you freaking break up. Cheating is never excusable.

Plus, I read this line but I understand "I love her a lot, but she doesn't love me as much, even though I think she does."

3. She said that she had sex with a friend of hers, not too close. It was a one-time "casual sex" during a holiday she took.

This hurts just from reading. Like Zangetsu put, this reeks of premeditation, even if there was none.

Do you even know who this is? Because if you don't, she SURE AS FUCK won't be kicking this dude away to never see him again. He'll be always looming near, and will even get to see your face someday. And you'll never know who he is so you can at least avoid his presence and preserve yourself.

4. She was drunk. (not an excuse of course, we all know we control our wishes while drunk; it is only judgment that becomes clouded).

Even before drinking, everyone has the power to choose to have their mind clouded or not by booze. This, by itself, is already enough for me to end everything under any circunstances.

"Oh I'm sad. What do I do? Maybe get drunk so I lose control of my faculties? Yeah, sounds like a good idea to me."

She says she regrets it, never did it before and will never do it again, and wouldn't have done it if she know how bad I'd feel about it.

Been there, heard that. Didn't work with me and I was right all along. Sure, everyone is different, but the "once a cheater, always a cheater" cliché exists for a reason.

And she regrets it. So she IS aware that the casual-sex thing was a negative thing to do, but still did it? One more reason this is a major deal breaker with me - trying to pin the blame on you. Like you said in your bottom line, you had NOTHING to do with this. You're the one being cheated on.

C'mon man...

5. She said my position on casual sex was unclear. Partly true, because while I don't personally like the idea of casual sex, I said it's not a dealbreaker. But that was probably because I never seriously thought she could do it; When she said she had, I felt terribly disturbed and disgusted by the thought of her having sex with someone else.

This is a complicated spot.

Learn from this: If ever, EVER, EVER your position about casual-sex-while-being-in-a-relationship is called into question, and you feel that you are unclear on the position you'll take, the answer is NEGATIVE. Say you loathe it, even if you really don't.

I also find this whole "you were unclear, therefore it was green flag" instance extremelly dishonest. Generally, the default position for cheating is NEGATIVE. But beyond that, she goes around doing crap and tells you LATER to see how you'll feel? WTF MAN?! She goes around filling voids in her heart with casual sex? Awesome girl!

I think you should part ways, because you're trying to resurrect a dead, putrid dog. But bear in mind this all is just MY vision of it based on what you brought us.

And I should say this: Do not buy the "I won't do this again" spiel. It's not about doing it again, it's about doing it ONCE. And even if you forgive her, by my experience, the next time she does it, she'll pin the blame on you even harder.

[Dracula9]

Placing any sort of blame on the other person for your own cheating is inexcusable. If one has problems that led to that decision, then they should have tried to work them out verbally.

Personally, I'm in the same boat as far as the meaning of sex, but cheating's something I have a very visceral problem with.

If it were me, the deal would have been broken as broken gets and I'd have kicked her ass to the fucking curb, tossed all her shit out there with her, burned as much of it as I could without risking it spreading, lock the doors behind me, and put that shit on social media so everyone she knows can bear witness to the kind of person she really is.

Not saying that's what you should do, but considering that's pretty much my stance on the subject I'm not gonna be able to really offer you much else here.

Really sorry, mate. You deserve better than that.

[Abnormal Freak]

I just saw the movie Gone Girl.

This reminds me of that just a smidgen.

[Mooning Freddy]

All of your arguments make me sad. The fact is that from our conversations, she said our views on sex are different. She comes from a place where she says that to her, sex is important, but it's not sacred and does not neccessarily reflect love; it's more about fun and joy to her, and she complained before that she thinks our sex life needs improvement.
I also hurt her before; Obviously not in sexual way but an emotional way, and she hasn't recovered and said I didn't do much to make her feel better.
I said that she would feel the same as I do in my place, but she said that she won't. This is where I think she's being dishonest, mainly with herself.

[JR]

I've seen previous posts from you about her on here, and it really seems like she's dragging you down...like she's an emotional burden on you. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but from where I see it, you would be better off without her. You might be setting yourself up for a long string of arguments and frustration if you stay with her, but ultimately, you need to take a hard, honest look at the situation and determine what's best for you.

This is where I think she's being dishonest, mainly with herself.

Again, I can only judge from what you've shared on this forum, but she sounds like she could stand to be more honest in general.

Best of luck to you. I thought I met the love of my life some years back, was with her for several years, moved with her to a different city, only to be dumped after I tried to prevent her from driving home drunk (there was more to the breakup than that, but I guess that was the "breaking point" for her). I thought we were meant for each other, and after some good years together (and some so-so ones right before the end), it finally gave me time to stop and think: were we really good for each other? And the answer was no. Her dumping me probably saved us both some years of merely putting up with each other and not much else. I definitely wouldn't have met my current wife if the relationship with this other girl would've continued.

[theplottwist]

All of your arguments make me sad. The fact is that from our conversations, she said our views on sex are different. She comes from a place where she says that to her, sex is important, but it's not sacred and does not neccessarily reflect love; it's more about fun and joy to her, and she complained before that she thinks our sex life needs improvement.

Dude, as I see it, cheating does not necessarily mean "having sex with someone else." *I* see it as meaning "taking liberties outside of the relationship that were supposed to be reserved for a relationship only under previously mutually agreed-upon rules."

With me (WITH ME) it can be anywhere between speaking a certain way to a stranger, to full on intercourse.

I also share a similar view of sex with her: I don't necessarily agree that sex is supposed to stay as something relationship-stricted. Sex is a good thing, and humans should partake in it more, relationship or not.

HOWEVER, what I do NOT share with her is the fact that I make my thought-process obscenely clear to my partner before we decide to proceed. If I'll sleep with someone else at every fuck-up my partner does, I pratically write this information down on a neon outdoor so everyone is clear beyond a shadow of doubt.

By what I saw here, she betrayed you by assuming things about your judgment and intentionally hiding relevant information from you, which is having sex with someone else knowing beforehand you'd not react well.

And THEN she goes and try to pin the blame on you.

I also hurt her before; Obviously not in sexual way but an emotional way

So? You hurt her, therefore green card for her to do whatever she wants? If things are so bad, she could have the ovaries to break up with you and spare herself and you from more pain, couldn't she?

and she hasn't recovered and said I didn't do much to make her feel better

Again: So? Since you're failing to help for one reason or another, she can do whatever the hell she feels like? Are you cheating on her, for starters? No? Then she can go cry for momma, because you're doing what you can. What she perceives as enough is not the rule: Do YOU think you're doing enough?

Also, I have a question: Is this the same girl from the lost ring, where you felt like you're incapable of feeling empathy? Because I'm noticing a pattern here: Of you being emotionally preyed upon by someone who keeps rising the standards of self-satisfaction that you are required to meet, or she'll psychologically torture you, until they are impossible to reach. Meanwhile, nothing is ever required from her, because everything is your fault.

[zangetsu468]

All of your arguments make me sad. The fact is that from our conversations, she said our views on sex are different. She comes from a place where she says that to her, sex is important, but it's not sacred and does not neccessarily reflect love; it's more about fun and joy to her, and she complained before that she thinks our sex life needs improvement.
I also hurt her before; Obviously not in sexual way but an emotional way, and she hasn't recovered and said I didn't do much to make her feel better.
I said that she would feel the same as I do in my place, but she said that she won't. This is where I think she's being dishonest, mainly with herself.

Freddy obviously both your views are different, but sex and intimacy not being exclusive between 2 people in love - why the hell not? It should be when you love someone and they also apparently love you. (That's my opinion that I decided upon a long time ago, the person I spent my life with would have to believe this too and believe in monogamy. I digress ...)
What is it YOU want? Do you believe it should be sacred, and is that what you deep down want her to believe too?

It sounds like she wants "intimacy" but is trying to fill it with "sex", although these two often work hand-in-hand, they often don't as well. (Which is why sex with another person didn't work.) It's something people have to work at sometimes for a long time (if it's not something you can share at a more innate level.) I'm sorry to add insult to injury but if she just wants "fun" it's not a good thing because she should be wanting that with you. It sounds very much like on some level she does really care because she told you about it. Whether or not/ how much a guilty conscience attributed to this is up to her.

How do you know she's not recovered but just holding that as ransom over your head in order to justify future mishaps? It sounds like you've called her out and she's just using any means possible to shift the blame back onto you. Everyone and anyone can cause emotional harm and sometimes it's bad, it probably hurts worse than cheating for some. But it doesn't change the fact that physically cheating not only ruins people internally, it destroys lives of people around it - like the relationship equivalent of Hiroshima. Nothing is ever the same after.

You're right in that she's fooling herself, you'd be looking for another place to live or kicking her out if you slept with someone else, I've seen this time and again. So don't be fooled yourself.

The best advice I can give is to not believe the hype, not on this forum, not anywhere from anyone and this includes her... What do your heart and your head say?? Listen to them.

[Shiroi Koumori]

If this is the same girl with that ring issue, I think what you're having is a one way relationship (you are deeply in love with her, but she is just not that into you).
The question from me is: Are you 100% sure that both of you are in love with each other?
If yes, then proceed with caution. If no, slowly ease away from her.

[Mooning Freddy]

I think I owe you the entire story to pass judgment. Stay a while and listen.

I started dating her over a year ago; a year and several months.
For the first year, it was fairy tale love. We were full of affection for each other. She was my princess; smart, sexy, beautiful and modest. There was no boy-girl bullshit, no shoe-shopping or petty conversation. I enjoyed every minute with her.

Sure, we had disagreements about our future. And petty arguments. But I thought the love is strong and we'll make it somehow.
She was more than a great partner for me: she opened me to new things, new knowledge; adventures. When I met her parents, I loved them. I thought they're the nicest, coolest people. I thought that the relationship is a gift from destiny.

This is where we made plans: she sort of convinced me to apply for study in her country and spend a year living with her.
I didn't take it seriously at first, but it worked. I got accepted and started preparing for the next year.

But then, we took a vacation together and things started going bad; she said I wasn't very enthusiastic to meet her. Sadly, she was right. Somehow, I started taking her for granted and seeing her drawbacks. Her slight excess weight, her huge ass that I didn't find too attractive, her slight impatience in conversation and nervousness.
I said that it's no big deal, we have known each other for a year and started getting used to each other, which made it less exciting; but I still loved her. I still wanted to be with her. I said to myself that she's the most wonderful (and sexy) woman that I've met and to stop being an idiot thinking about her drawbacks.

Then, several arguments happened. Shiroi, yes, the one with the necklace (not ring) among them. I thought that I managed to make her feel better, but apparently, I hadn't. After we got back from the vacation, she started pointing out all the problems with the relationship: lack of empathy, (a problem that I have, I admit it), boring sex, the way it's not as exciting anymore.

After she admitted the cheating, she said it's a bottom point for the relationship. She suggested taking a break, since she can't break up. I don't know if I can either, not at a point when I'm so dependent on her. 
While I'm not all against it, there is one, big problem: the plans that we made to live together.
We decided the best thing would still be to live together. But it could be quite depressing if we broke up.
I suggested a different arrangement: friends with benefits. We would no longer be in a "relationship" but there would still be intimacy. She said she might me okay with the idea but she wants to try and rebuild the relationship after a break.
I made my point that I'm pessimistic about anything changing during "the break", but would go along with it since we still love and care about each other.

[Dracula9]

I still retain that she's playing you, and if you two were to break up but still remain in contact or try to build it back up, then that's just her trying to get you wrapped around her finger again.

From what I've read here and in the other threads, she doesn't seem to think and be hurting about these things nearly to the degree that you are and have been. I could easily be wrong, but as you've described her actions and words compared to your own, I'm seeing somebody who probably doesn't care and is only sticking around for superficial reasons.

[Jorge D. Fuentes]

Get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
Do not accept "I won't do it again", and definitely don't let her blame you.

Just drop her, and burn your feelings away where she won't see you do it.

[zangetsu468]

Jorge has a point.

Based on what you have written it doesn't sound like you're that into her either. (Which is not to say you don't love and care about her well being).

Also no idea about your age/ life and love experience Freddy but that 'first year of love' you spoke about seems more like infatuation which most people have when they start seeing someone.