Castlevania Dungeon Forums
The Castlevania Dungeon Forums => Fan Stuff => Topic started by: Battler Ushiromiya on November 30, 2008, 05:16:59 AM
-
~Transylvania, in a time rift~
*Dracula is pacing back and forth across his throne room after another humiliating defeat at the hands of one of the Belmonts.*
Dracula: Damnit, I'm getting sick of these Belmonts and their constant attacks. Can't I get five feet from my coffin without getting whipped back in?
*Dracula grabs a bottle off the table and sits down on his throne, fidgitting with the bottle.*
Dracula: Even when I went through all the trouble of being covert, they were still there to cause me hell through that damn Morris family. Bloody branch families... There has to be some way to be resurrected without those damn Belmonts barging in here and-
*Dracula immediately stops fidgitting and looks down at the bottle, realizing it was a bottle of wine left behind by the first Morris and his crew years before. Dracula sets the bottle down on a nearby table and slumps back onto his throne.*
Dracula: ...DEATH!
*Almost immediately, the Grim Reaper pokes his head into the room.*
GR: Yeeeeeeeeeeees?
Dracula: Go down to the Celler and grab all the alcohol we've got and bring it back up here. I've got an idea...
~~~
Richter: *Huff* *Huff* We're... Almost... To The... Castle...
Maria: What happened to you?
Richter: Mind control... doesn't do... body good...
Maria: Yeah, yeah, I can't believe you let that happen...
Richter: Hey... I'm still better... than Soleyu...
Maria: Whatever. Let's just get this over with?
*Richter nods and pushes the door to Dracula's castle.*
Richter: Dracula, we're here to-
*The two realize that the entire interior of the Castle has been turned into a Pub, complete with a full liquer bar, tended to by none other than Dracula himself. Maria's jaw practically falls off her face and Richter falls flat on his face.*
Dracula: What, the Bartender outfit really look that ridiculous?
Richter: *Pulling himself off the ground* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, DRACULA!?
Dracula: Why, run a legitimate business for once, of course. Are you really going to attack me when I'm just trying to run a business?
Richter: Business? You're a VAMPIRE! That should be reason enough to go after you! Isn't that right, Maria?
*Richter turns to Maria to find she's no longer standing beside him. Rather, she's already sitting at the bar.*
Maria: Martini, Please!
Richter: TRAITOR!
*Dracula slides Maria her Martini, which she immediately begins drinking*
Dracula: See? Legitimate business! You still want to go after me?
Richter: ...I'll let you go for now.
Dracula: Alright, then-
*Richter suddenly gets right up in Dracula's face*
Richter: -But I'm gonna find out what you're up t, and when I do, I'll lash you to your coffin and toss you in your own moat!
Dracula: You do that. You and all the others.
*Dracula jabs his thumb at a table across the room, at which sit Leon, Trevor, Simon, Juste, and Julius, all apparently pouting about not getting the chance to fight Dracula. At the next table over, Sypha, Grant, Maxim, Lydie, and Sara are all getting smashed drunk.*
Richter: ...How the hell are they all here?
Dracula: Oh, I got Aeon to perform a little favor for me. The Morris and Lecarde families should be getting here any time now.
Richter: ...Just what the hell are you planning?
Dracula: Oh, my plan's already worked.
Richter: What?
Dracula: Nothing, nothing. Now what was your order again?
-
LOL hes certainly got the upper hand this time
-
AHAHAHAHHAA...Very impressive! Made me laugh like 20x throughout the whole story..great story by the way :D
-
Hey, hey, hey! Dn't talk like this was a one-shot fic! This one's gonna keep on coming!
~~~
*Over at the Belmont table...*
Richter: That's IT! I've had it with being called the crapiest Belmont! I can kick your asses any day!
Simon: You insolent brat! I've killed Dracula twice, the first time completely decapitating him with the whip!
Trevor: You think you're even a challenge for me? I'm the one who created the Item Crash, bitch!
*Desmond walks by, completely oblivious to what's going on*
Desmond: Hey, you guys need anyone to star in the next game...?
R/S/T: ...KILL!!
Desmond: Mommy!
*While Richter, Simon, and Trevor proceed to disembowl Desmond, Maxim, Juste, and Grant are all sitting around doing shots.*
Grant: *GULP* HA HA, that makes twelve *hic* your up Maxim.
Maxim: *GULP* Whoooooooaaa! I can see things moving, man!
Juste: My turn, I'll beat you yet Grant DaNasty! *GULP*
Grant: *GULP* You'll never beat the best, Hunter! Your up.....Uhhh, Maxim?
*Maxim is passed out on the floor in a puddle of drool and cheap vodka*
Grant: Well I guess he's out. Just you and me, Hunter!
Juste: Fine by me. *GULP* That's thirteen!
*Two hours later*
J/G: *Swayibng back and forth* Fer he's a jolly good fellow, fer he's a jolly good fellow, fer he's a jolly good fellow, that nobodeh can denay!
*Both knock back another shot glass*
Grant: What number was that?
Juste: Eighty... six?
Grant: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Lydie: Arn't you two done drinking yet?
Grant: Are Trevor, Simon, and Richter done with Desmond yet?
Lydie: Well, no-
Juste: Did Maxim wake up?
Lydie: No, but-
J/G: BARTEND! MORE SHOTS!
Dracula: Coming right up!
-
the plot thickens, lol, either way i wonder if death or aeon are effected by booze :p
-
*Once again, the door swings open, and John Morris and Eric Lecarde dash in*
John: DRACULA! WE'RE HERE TO-
Richter: -Defeat you, blah blah blah, can't attack someone who hasn't done anything, blah blah blah, words as empty as soul... We've already gone through
this.
Leon: Five times. Let's just skip it for once.
John: But I wanted a fight... T_T
Eric: Booze beats fight. Bartender! Get me all the Bacardi you've got!
Dracula: Coming right up!
*As Dracula pulls out a bottle of Bacardi and starts pouring, Eric and John look at each other in confusion*
Eric: ...Is that...
John: Yup.
Eric: And is he...
John: Looks that way.
Eric: ...Wierd...
Simon: You'll get used to it.
*Meanwhile, down in the cellar...*
Maxim: Augh, my head... wait, where are my clothes?
*Maxim had been stripped and tied to a support beam in the Basement, along with Desmond. Apparently, someone decided to rob the two while they were
unconcious.*
Maxim: WHAT THE HELL!?
Maria: *From half way up the stairs* Shit, They're awake!
Sara: *Also halfway up the stairs* No way! I thought Maxim was smashed!
Maxim: DAMNIT, GET BACK HERE WITH MY STUFF!
*Back upstairs...*
*Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin burst in*
Jonathan: Dracula! We're here to- Is that a bottle of Sam Adams? Hey, pour me a glass!
Charlotte: Wait, what? Traitor!
Simon: Well, gee, that was quick.
Dracula: Can someone come in without breaking the door down for a change?
-
lol are they even legal age? on second thought, things may get more interesting
-
Wahahaha! I LOL'd! It makes my day! ;D
-
Ya know, you can go ahead and post your own skits at any time. Go ahead, post a funny. Be my guest.
~~~
*Once again, the Pub doors slam open. This time, Christopher Belmont dashes in.*
Chris: DRACULA! WHERE IS SOLEYU!?
Dracula: How the hell should I know? This is a Pub, not a daycare.
Chris: But... You kidnapped him before...
Dracula: And I let him go, too. What, you really think he broke free because you saved him? The little brat whined
nonstop, even WHILE under mind control.
Richter: Then how did I break free?
Dracula: Simple. I have a son to be proud of, even if he's a rebellious prick.
*Meanwhile, Alucard sneezes*
Alucard: Huh, I didn't know I could catch a cold...
*Back at the pub*
Chris: Well, if he isn't with you, then where is he?
*Almost as if on cue, Soleyu rushes into the pub, covered head to toe in Bible pages.*
Soleyu: DRACULA! I'M HERE TO DEFEAT- Oh, hi dad.
Chris: ...What are you doing here?
*Soleyu opens his mouth*
Chris: Don't answer that, it's obvious.
Trevor: Hey, kid, you do realize that taping pages of the Bible all over your body won't protect you, right?
Soleyu: They won't?
Trevor: ...I'm ashamed to be related to you.
Simon: He's like the retarded nephew.
Richter: That's because he IS the retarded nephew. Well, Grandfather to you, Son to Chris, and Great-great-grandson
to Trevor.
Trevor: What about you, Leon and Juste?
Richter: We're far enough down the line that his epic fail can't effect us.
Simon: Ah, so your crappiness is all your own!
Richter: :C
Chris: Come on, son, we're going home.
Soleyu: But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAD!
Chris: NO BUTS! HOME! NAO!
*As Chris and Soleyu walk out, Richter starts to crack up*
Simon: What's so funny?
Richter: Nothing, nothing... Just that kid is such a pansy.
Trevor: True that. *Downs a shot*
-
did you know there is an actualy beverage called holy water? makes you wonder how amny belmonts drink their attacks
-
Richter, Leon, Trevor, and Simon are all gathered around their usual table.*
Richter: If everyone is here, then we can begin-
Leon: Arn't there supposed to be five of us here?
Trevor: Yeah, where's Juste?
*Meanwhile, Juste and Grant are simultaneously puking into adjacent urinals*
Simon: Probably got alcohol poisoning. We can clue him in later.
Richter: Anyways, I've got a feeling Dracula's up to something.
Simon: Oh, really now? Like running a pub is normal for him?
Richter: Oh, shut up. *Ahem* I figured how we could easily find out what Dracula's planning.
Leon: Geass?
Richter: Wrong series.
Leon: Oh, right.
Trevor: Come on, Leon, this is Richter we're talking about. It's probably something simple.
Simon: Like Eavesdropping.
Richter: Hey, it works, doesn't it?
S/T/L: ...Can't argue with that...
Richter: Right, so here's the plan...
*Later that night, Simon, Trevor, Richter, Leon, and a still puking Juste are all sitting around a TV in an unknown location, spying into Dracula's chambers using a spy camera set up outside the window.*
Simon: How did you get that camera set up again?
Richter: My sister-in-law is a ninja, remember?
Juste: More so than Maxim?
Richter: She said she tied him up in the cellar the other day.
Simon: Huh. We should probably go untie him.
*The group silently contemplates for a few minutes*
S/T/L/R/J: Nah.
*Dracula walks into his chambers, appearing on the TV screen*
Simon: Wow, the camera actually worked after all.
Richter: Why wouldn't it?
Simon: ...I'll explain it to you later.
Leon: Shut up, he's going to do something!
*The two turn back to the TV, watching as Dracula... Watches an Antiques show while eating Ramen from an instant noodles cup*
Simon: ...In the end...
Leon: ...He's just...
Trevor: ...An old man...
*Several hours pass. The five catch Dracula doing nothing but mundane house chores.*
Juste: Huh, Dracula owns a Bonsai tree?
Leon: Whoopdee. It's not like Bonsai trees are evil.
*Trevor finally snaps and throws his chair across the room, inadvertently hitting the TV*
Trevor: God DAMNIT, I wasted 3 hours of my life spying on a senile old vampire!
Simon: It could be a trick-
Trevor: Are you kidding!? What kind of evil can you whip up watching an Antique show?
*Note: There's actually a lot of evil artifacts out there.*
Richter: ...Oh shit...
Trevor: What!?
Richter: Alucard's gonna kill me... I borrowed that TV from him...
Alucard: *Upstairs, in his Genya Arikado persona* Is everything okay down there?
*As it turns out, the five are in the basement of a secret Japanese Governmet Organization's HQ.*
Richter: *Yelling to Alucard* Everything's fine! *Whispers to the others* Let's bail!
*The Belmonts all sneak out of the basement through various exits. Meanwhile, back at Dracula's chambers...*
Dracula: Finally, the camera goes out. DEATH! BRING IN OUR GUEST!
*The door to Dracula's quarters opens, and a familiar face enters*
Dracula: Hello... Vega.
Death: *From outside* HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO M. BISON!
Dracula: Oh. Hello... M. Bison.
*Yes, that was a Seiyuu joke. So sue me.*
-
Bison, lol
-
Wahahaha! Geass!XD
-
*The next day, back at the pub, everything is relatively normal when the door slams open once again, and Alucard walks in. Apparently, he decided to shed the disguise*
Dracula: I didn't do anything illegal, Adrian.
Alucard: I'm not here for you, father. I'm here for HIM!
*Alucard points his finger at Richter, who immediately dives under the table*
Richter: Ohshitohshitohshit...
Trevor: Well, you're fucked
*Alucard then proceeds to point at Trevor*
Alucard: And Him as well!
Trevor: Wait, what?
Alucard: Do you two idiots have any clue how much that TV cost that you trashed!?
Richter: Hey, Trevor smashed it!
Alucard: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!
*Suddenly, Hector barges in ion the same grandiose manner as everyone else, nailing Alucard in the back with the door in the process and pinning him against the wall.*
Hector: ISSAC!
Dracula: Finally, someone who's NOT here to kill me.
Hector: ISSAC, GET OUT HERE!
Simon: Buddy, there's no "Issac" here.
Leon: Yeah, everyone here has legs.
Richter: Okay, first of all, that's Yzak. Second, It's just the mech that constantly loses its legs, not the pilot.
Leon: Oh. Damn.
Trevor: Jeez, get yourself together, man!
Hector: I know Issac's here! I tracked him here through his business card!
Dracula: Business card? Let me see that!
*Hector hands Dracula the card. He then proceeds to read it, with preactically the entire pub staring over his shoulder.*
Dracula: "Uncle Izzy's Escort Service"... Well, that explains the police raids.
Juste: There's something written on the back.
*Dracula flips the card over and reads the hand-written text.*
Dracula: "For manly loving, call Frozen Half."
Maxim: What's the number?
*Everyone except Charlotte gives Maxim the WTF look.*
Maxim: ...What?
Dracula: Well, Issac HAS been acting weird lately... He hangs out in the cellar when he's here, usually with a couple dozen Succubi. This definitely explains why.
Hector: Thanks!
*Hector rushes down the cellar stairs, sword in hand.*
Hector: ISSAC! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Issac: *Downstairs* NO! WAIT! SHE AGREED TO- GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!
Jonathan: What was that even about?
John: You'll find out when you're older, son... Charlotte, what the hell are you writing!?
Charlotte: Maxim x Frozen Half... Shounen Pairing... Yaoi fic...
*And thus, Issac's business began to prosper, Charlotte was labed a deviant, and Maxim was branded an idiot.*
Maxim: *On a payphone, reading the back of Issac's card* Hello, I'm calling for Frozen Half... WHAT THE HELL!? YOU'RE A GUY!
-
Ahaha XD Hilarious! XD I read it all and it'd be lovely to see this as an animation XDD
-
Two in one night! I'm on a roll!
~~~
*Desmond and Soleyu Belmont walk into a building marked C-Pub.*
Desmond: Are you sure this is the place? They said they were moving to a new place. Check the directions again.
Soleyu: I'm sure this is it. The address matches. Mr. Izzy said it was 666 Moron boulevard. Turn the lights on.
*Desmond goes and flips on the lights, to reveal a massive room full of glass bottles and tables set up everywhere. A few bunsen burners are boiling water, and an acrid stench is about the room.*
???: FREEZE! This is the police!
*Swarms of police in SWAT uniforms and helmets storm into the room with machineguns, and Desmond and Soleyu look about ready to wet themselves.
Police: Izzy, you're under arrest!
D/S: We're not...
Police: Can it and get those hands in the air.
D/S: But we're not...
*The police raise their machine guns and the two guys go silent. Desmond and Soleyu are lead to the police cars, both looking like they are about to cry. Soleyu stops for a second...*
Soleyu: MOMMY!!!!
*The police stop, and a stream of curses erupt from underneath their helmets. One policeman whips a ticket up into the air and screams with joy. He whips off his helmet to reveal...*
Juste: Thank the betting gods your are such a wuss, Sol. You just won me about three grand!
*The other people take off their helmets, revealing Issac, Trevor, Richter, Hector, Simon, and Jonathan. They all rip their tickets to pieces and throw them in the air like confetti. The others turn away and shout curses, but Simon walks over to Soleyu and shakes him voilently.*
Juste: Thank you so much for being everything I hoped you would be! Now I can buy that ring for Lydie...HAHAHAHAHA!
*The hunters, except for Desmond and Soleyu, jump into a SWAT van and drive off.*
Soleyu: ...we have to get them back...
Desmond: Yes we do, that's the third time today...
-
Nice pieces. Reminds me of my unfinished CV parody.
Maybe I should post pieces after all...
-
*Inside the bar, we see Issac sitting at a booth smoking a rather robust cigar. A cell phone rings, and he answers it.*
Issac: Yes, this is "Izzy's Escort Service". How may I procure for you? *Response from the phone* Yes, my girls will do ANYthing. *Another response* ...Well, maybe not that.
*Hector walks up*
Hector: You. Me. Talk. Now.
Issac: *To phone* Can you call me back, I have a pressing matter. *Hangs up* So, what can I do you for, Hector my boy?
Hector: I'm putting a stop to this. Do you have any idea what you're doing to people?!
Issac: Providing a giddy little thrill at a reasonable price?
Hector: Simon actually bankrupted his clan paying for your escorts! He pawned the- Well, his- Vampire Killer to pay for that last Succubus!
Issac: So the man has specific tastes...so to speak. Hee hee.
Hector: And I also hear you've gotten into the drug business.
Issac: Hey, I just sell a few medicinal herbs I grew out in Rosa's garden. Your friends seem to like them.
*Points over at a table where the branch families is getting nice and stoned, complete with laughter and munchies.*
Hector: Why the hell are you doing this?!
Issac: Ya see, there was this guy named Scirocco who was selling some Mechs, and...
*Out the window, we can see a Gundam, complete with spoilers and a shiny new pink paint job.*
Hector: You've gotta be kidding me...
Issac: I even got gold rims.
*Close up of the feet, which are golden.*
Issac: And check out the sound system!
*He presses a button on a keychain and the Gundam's pecs open up, revealing massive speakers that start blaring 50 Cent.*
Hector: ...This is a nightmare...
Issac: Wait a second. *Puts on a fur coat and wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in the band.* NOW it's a nightmare, right?
Hector: Excuse me, I'm gonna go ask Trevor to kill me now.
*Trevor, as if on cue, walks up to Issac with his Vampire Killer in hand.*
Trevor: How much can I get for this?
Hector: GODDAMNIT!!
-
lol
-
Leon: So, you finally killed those two?
Richter: Well, after I nuked them, I doused them in holy water, put them in iron maidens, shot them with silver bullets, put stakes through their hearts, and had the coffins sealed by Shinto priests and priestesses from at least 10 different anime.
Leon: That ought to do it.
*Soleyu and Desmond walk in the door, none the worse for wear.*
Soleyu: What a weird dream.
Richter: Sonufa...!
*He reaches into Subweapon-space to pull out some impliment of messy death, but Juste stops him.*
Juste: Don't, you'll just get the bar messy.
Leon: Says the guy with the Magic.
Juste: *Hiding the spell books* I have no idea what you're talking about.
*Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Soma runs in.*
Dracula: For christ sake, what is it this time? ...Hm, do you smell something burning? *Sniff* Oh, it's just me.
Soma: Dear god, HELP ME!
*Dracula's hair bursts into flames as Soma dives under a table*
Dracula: Okay, can the religeous references please stop? Kthx.
Trevor: What the hell's your problem, kid?
Soma: Well...
*Flashback to Yoko Belandes' shop...*
Soma: Hey, Yoko, while I'm waiting for my weapons to be finished, can I ask you a question?
Yoko: Sure, Soma! What's on your mind?
*Soma sighs as Yoko takes a sip of coffee*
Soma: ...Do you really have a tattoo of Dante on your-
*Yoko spits out her coffee, drowning out the rest of Soma's question. The flashback ends.*
Juste: Wait, you actually said that?
Soma: What, I was curious! The succubi always had them when they impersonated her!
Trevor: Well, that explains the Chris Redfield tattoo that fake Sypha had on her-
*Trevor stops himself as Sypha walks past.*
Trevor: Whew... that was close.
Juste: ...Sypha has a tattoo?
Soma: And a Resident Evil tattoo at that. How tasteless.
Trevor: Hey, as far as I know, the tattoo is only on the fake.
Grant: *On the Cieling* Nah, trust me, it's on the real one, too.
Trevor: WHAT!? YOU PEEPING TOM!
Grant: Who asked one of Issac's Succubi to impersonate his girlfriend?
Juste: Which raises the question... Soma, why do the Succubi try to seduce you with Yoko when Mina's your girlfriend?
*Soma shrugs*
Yoko: *From the hallway* SOMA! YOU PEEPING TOM! WHERE ARE YOU!?
Trevor: Oh boy, she's pissed.
Soma: HIDE ME! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HIDE ME!
*Dracula full-on spontaneously combusts*
Dracula: Oh, come ON!
~To Be Continued~
-
dracula never gets any slack the next thing his dead wives will nag him on untill they discover each other...hmm
-
Soma: Oh my god, SHE'S COMING!
Juste: Quick, in here!
*Juste grabs Soma and tosses him into Issac's cellar, slamming the door behind him. Yoko rushes in the second Juste turns around, holding several instruments of messy magical death.*
Yoko: WHerE iS He!?
Alucard: Uh, Yoko, you're foaming from the mouth-
*Yoko glares at Alucard*
Alucard: And you've become scarier than Pyramid Head on Viagra. YEEK! *Dives out window*
Richter: Wow, Girlycard got even girlier.
*Yoko proceeds to walk up to Juste and grab him by the collar.*
Yoko: YoU'Re hIDinG SomEtHIng...
Juste: Uh... Heheh... What are you talking about?
*Yoko growls at Juste.*
Juste: AH! HE'S IN THE CELLAR! JUST DON'T RIP MY THROAT OUT!!
*Yoko tosses Juste aside like a ragdoll and kicks the cellar door down. She proceed to storm down the stairs.*
Trevor: Woah, who knew she was so strong...
Simon: I feel bad for the kid... Wait, isn't Issac and some of his Succubi down there?
*Meanwhile, Yoko continues to charge down the stares*
Yoko: SOMA, YOU PERVERTED BASTARD! I'M GONNA-
*Yoko sees Issac handing an outfit similar to her own to a Succubus, who's disguised herself as Yoko. To the very last detail.*
Issac: Uh, Hi?
Yoko: ...You...
*Back upstairs, Soma sneaks out the cellar door. Seconds later, Yoko can be heard tearing Issac limb from limb.*
Richter: I take the Girlycard comment back. That woman scares me.
Soma: What has been seen... Cannot be unseen...
-
Hey, i just wanted to say i kinda stared something like this! Even though yeh i did maybe "Borrow" a couple of jokes, but its an all new plot with a twist! Its called the NEW belmont.
-
Well, then, maybe you could bring it into the pub! I've been trying to get other people to post their own skits in here as well...
~~~
*Things are winding down at the C-Pub when an irate, depressed, and insane Desmond staggers in, breathing fire due to all the gasoline and rubbing alcohol he just drank to dull the pain of all the beatings he's been getting over the past few weeks*
Desmond: LOVE MEEE! I AM JESUS!
*The Pub becomes silent as Desmond begins to hit on Soma*
Desmond: Hello liddle girl! I'm Rickter Belmont, do you wanna ride my baloney poney?
Richter: Da hell? Why am I getting the pedo treatment now?
Maria: Let's see, you hang around with 12-year-old girls?
Richter: Who happened to be my sister-in-law. And you grew up, didn't you?
*While Desmond continues to spew out lame pickup lines, the main Belmonts count down to the inevitable without even looking.*
Leon: 5...
Chris: 4...
Trevor: 3...
Juste: 2...
Simon: 1...
*Cut to view outside of the Pub, and a Desmond Belmont shaped fireball goes sailing out of the keep window and slams into a power pole in the neighboring village*
*Alucard and Hector watch as Desmond falls to the ground*
Alucard: The kid's left is getting soft.
Hector: Hmm...should've put him through the next three counties. Oh well.
*...And everyone goes back to whatever they were doing, none noticing the metallic colored liquid seeping towards the half dead wannabe Belmont......*
-
In Reply To #24
Hmm aright! Even tho the 1st part i entered IS kinda boring boring but im sure it gets funneh from there. BTW your series are the greatest castlevania spoof ive seen
-
-
-
* * * ELSEWHERE IN THE PUB * * *
*a certain fiery female freakazoid snaps on a pair of black rubber gloves while hovering over a prostrate villager strapped tightly to a rusty old dentist's chair*
MOBIUS: [in a sing-song manner] Open your mouth n' stick out your tongue...
Random Villager: Ahn! Ahhnnn!!
M: And lookout, uvula, HERE AH COME!!
*a door to the cellar bursts open*
K: Mobius. Ah, here you are.
M: *sigh* Yes. Here I am. What do you want, Kreeg?
K: Oh, it's not what I want--
*a familiar voice resonates from the depths of the cellar*
Kregan! You found her yet?
K: [towards the cellar] Yeah. She's up here.
Tell her to march her pale, scrawny, horse-humping ass down here now!
K: Mm-kay... Moby? Lac would like to have a word with you downstairs.
M: Right, right... [removing gloves] Alright then. Take over for me here will ya Frosty?
*stomps off through the door and plunges into a gaping black chasm through the cellar steps*
K: Sure thing. [walks over to the chair] Hm. So... [grins to villager] Ever wondered how it feels to have your spinal fluid chilled?
*Mobius drops down at inhuman speed and slams her heels down into a cavernous pit of blackened igneous rock*
M: Ohhh-kay then... You called, fearless leader?
*a tall figure in black walks slowly around the deep indentation her landing has made*
SULACO: You've been spending a lot of time up there, Mobius. I'm curious about what possible consequences to your impulsive nature might be affecting the mortal plane.
M: In other words, you'd like to know what fun I've been having without you, huh boss?
S: [narrowing eyes] You know that there are certain lines you are not permitted to cross while amongst earthly beings.
M: I know you've been a lot more strict about those lines since you stopped getting mortal nookie up there.
S: Your childish jests beg to tire me, little one.
*crosses directly in front of Moby -- moments later both demons begin ascending upward in a gaping spire of blackness that stretches back directly into the lower depths of the pub*
Until I know for certain that you aren't completely tilting existence into total chaos on the mortal plane, I shall resume keeping closer watch over your actions.
M: Oh goody. Sully the Terrible returns to the land of the living. Ohh there will be much rejoicing.
S: Hush up, Moby the Morbidly Perverse. I'm afraid it won't be so pleasant.
*crosses over towards the villager who has been frozen almost completely from the inside out*
Kregan, release that man.
K: !... Sir, his internal organs are chilled beyond any degree of function--
S: -Now. Get him back to wherever Mobius snatched him from before anyone suspects he's missing.
*heads upstairs with Moby bouncing along close beside him*
M: Heee. You said snatch.
S: Fuck you.
-
*Sara and Maria are spying on the Belmonts, who have gathered up on the roof. Next to them are several large crates.*
Leon:...So, who goes first?
Simon: Why, me, of course! I'm the most celebrated Belmont of all time!
Trevor: No, I should go! I was the first to kill Dracula!
Richter: I'll go first! I introduced Item Crashes!
Trevor: I CAN ITEM CRASH TOO, BITCH!
Simon: And you needed help getting out of your curse! I broke mine on my own!
Richter: AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK LIKE A WOMAN IN MY CHRONICHLES GAME!
Simon: YOU LITTLE PISSANT!
*Simon and Richter start kicking each other's ass. Trevor shrugs, then decides to join in for the fun of it.*
Juste: Do they always have to do this?
Leon: Jeez... At least their girlfriend survived through their game...
Sara: *Whispering to Maria* I don't like the sound of that...
Maria: *To Sara* Blame IGA. He's sexist.
*Meanwhile, at Konami headquarters, IGA sneezes*
IGA: Woah, I caught a cold the second I thought making another female lead! Better not do that...
*Back on the roof of the Pub...*
Juste: Can't you three settle this in a civilized manner?
*Richter, Simon, and Trevor pause from brawling for a moment.*
Simon: ...What's "Civilized"?
Richter: It's nothing you could do, you crap-in-a-cave brute.
*Simon decks Richter, sending him sprawling*
Juste: Geez... Can't you decide this through, I don't know, Rock Paper Sciccors?
Trevor: No, it takes to long.
Leon: For Christ sake, at least we won't be killing each other.
*Meanwhile, Dracula starts burning again.*
Dracula: *Sigh* I'm gonna need to find some way to stop this...
*Back on the roof*
Leon: There has to be some way we can settle this...
*Maria and Sara jump out of their hiding spot*
M/S: SPIN THE BOTTLE!
*The five Belmonts stare at the girls in shock*
Simon: ...Spin the bottle?
Richter: Wait, THAT'S what you're wondering? God, you are simple!
*Simon decks Richter again*
~~To Be Continued~~
-
certainly random, but i demand more, lol
-
*Back at Dracula's Castle in shafts chambers*
Shaft: *Holding a potion emanating great power* Here it is lord! The Secret potion that we have been secretly been studying for years!
Dracula: *Snatches bottle* I swear...If this in any way screws up MY PUB. I'm going to make you dance to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" for the rest of your LIFE!!!
Shaft: ~Gulp~ I-I-I'm sure its perfected sire...
Death: ~Sighhhh~ I really hope that pub dosent go to waste...I Never got the chance to go there!
Dracula: Oh hush. Im sure everything will be alright!*Chugs down potion in one Gulp*.......WTF SHAFT!!! THRILLER FOR YOU!
Death: Dang.
Shaft: NO NO NO PLEASE! CAN IT AT LEAST BE "BEAT IT" OR-OR "BAD"!!!
Dracula: Hell to the NO! You know I- *SUddenly the potion inside Dracula begins to swell and creates a very bright light that blinds the room*
D/D/S: AUGHHHHH!!!!!!
Meanwhile At Konami
IGA:*Stops at thinking of a new Castlevania game and looks up wide eyed*...Oh my Julius....I-I-It cannot be....NO!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Back at Drac's Castle
Death: Shaft is he dead?!?!?!
Shaft: If he is im going to damn hell tellin Michael Jackson he didnt like "Bad" or "Beat it"
*The smoke rolls away from Dracula's Body as he lays there motionless*
Dracula: .....
D/S: M'Lord?
Dracula: *begins to regain conscious* Unhhh....My head.....And my body...Did it work?
Shaft: I belive so lord the potion is a complete-
*Shaft and Death look at Dracula as he stands up fully*
S/D: DAAAAAMMMMNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!
Dracula: What the Crap?? What?? *Dracula looks around seeing his whole body is made into a Human Woman!*
Dracula: OMG OMG OMG! NOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Death: Well...Do you still have your powers?
Dracula: *Teleports into bats to the other side of the room*
Well...It seems so.
Shaft: I-I Did not expect this! *Picks up part of bottle and sees the label reading*
-
Dracula: What the Jesus am i going to do!
D/S: WAIT NOT THE HOLY WORD!
*A minuet passes and Dracula has not randomly combusted*
Dracula: Heyyyy...I can say holy words now! CHRIST, GOD, HOLY BIBLE, CROSS, PRIEST!
*Nothing happens*
Shaft: Okay by now he would have been a friken A-Bomb destroying half or Europe.
Death: *Hiding Under the the table* You think so?
Dracula: Hehehe...What else can i do...*Pokes Breasts in a confused manner* Oh wow...These are nice. *Pokes vagina*
Heh sweet!
Death:....
Shaft:*Scrambling in his lab* Now where the hell did i put that video camera!
Dracula: *Stops touching himself* EXCELLENT! Our new Belmont plan is at reach! Now all i have to do is find out who will be in charge of my pub...
*Suddenly An AxeArmor busts through the dungeon wall*
AA: Urrrr...Sire we have a Tad issue. *Looking around seeing that Dracula is not around, but catches his eye on the woman*
A/S/D/D: .......
AA: HUMAN! DIE FIEND! *Starts to do his usual attack*
S/D: WAIT NO!
Dracula: Hold it you damn dumb blue bucket of bolts!
AA: *Stops* Waiiittt...No one else knows my Nickname! But...Lord...!!?!?!??!
Dracula: Yes im a Vampire stuck in a sexy human lady, How bout that eh?
Meanwhile at Konami
Worker 1: IGA ARE YOU OKAY!?!?!?
IGA: *who has fallen on the floor in a trance* A..A..new woman lead...No...No...
Worker 2: Wait..He wants us to make a game that has a woman lead? Like Castlevania Resurrection?
IGA: Ugh..cant...no..I-
Worker 1: I think hes shocked by the great idea, that we should make it 3D!
IGA: Uaghhhhhhh!!!!!
Worker 2: If Order of Ecclesia was a great hit...I think we can do it again!! This time, let's release it on the Dreamcast!
Workers: YEAH!
-
lol
-
* * * BACK IN THE PUB * * *
SLOGRA: My, my. How the tables have begun to turn.
*reclines on a plush couch smoking from an ornate hookah*
GAIBON: Sss-*urrp!*--ur'tainly ssseems... 'at way.
*relaxes on a glass table with an empty whiskey bottle in one claw*
SLOG: Ahh give it time, Gai muh'man. The boss has it i-- [inhales from pipe] --in the-- [inhales sharply] --in-- [sucks in one more big drag] ....in the bag. [exhales]
GAI: Pfft! Heh-hehhh. Well I'll uhh... [hiccups] - -I'll drink to that when I see it. Heh, heh, heh. [takes another swig]
SLOG: Bah. Just wait and see.
CARMILLA: Or don't wait at all.
*Slogra turns to see the countess striding in her most recent outfit*
SLOG: Ahh, yer Ladyship. [takes a hit from pipe] Enjoying the Dominatrix gear from yer recent slugfest, I see.
CARMS: [halts to place hands on hips] Indeed, I must admit these, mm... accessories do carry with them a certain, indefinable je ne sais quoi.
GAI: Uh-huh! Not ta' menshun a plungin' backshide!
*Slogra coughs loudly at his partner's comment*
CARMS: Tch! Your substance-addled mind will lead you to an early grave, imbecile.
SLOG: [under his breath] Dumb ass.
CARMS: But in the meantime, rejoice. Our lord and master has achieved the ultimate means to strike down his adversaries even as we speak.
GAI: Welluf 'e 'as ush-eeved this--! this ull-timm-at meansh to thi-- *hic!* --to sh-- *hic!* --ta, to shtrike down 'is fffuckinn ad-advurr... a-adversh...
*trails off as his eyes roll up into their sockets*
~ silence ~
SLOG: ....
CARMS: ....
*Carmilla and Slogra both wait silently*
GAI: ...Adver-sherries! Ahhh...
CARMS: *ahem* If you could but grasp the sheer genius of Lord Dracula's plan. - A concept unrivaled by any previous attempts to gain dominance over the living realm. This scheme is so perfect, so flawless, so masterful in its subtle ingenuity, that victory will most assuredly be ours. Oh, make no mistake, this plot is foolproof. [strikes a random cliched villain pose]
SLOG: [mutters] In other words, she has no idea what the boss has planned either.
GAI: *PPFFFT!*
CARMILLA: !... Why you vulture-beaked Dark Crystal reject. I ought to take that hookah and shove it right down your--!
*a wooden door leading down into the pub's lower levels is suddenly shattered apart violently by a massive fireball*
SLOG: WHAA-!??
GAI: The fffuhh...??
*a tall demon cloaked in black strides from the depths into the chamber and sweeps past the surprised trio barely glancing at them as he passes by - a taller, darker-skinned demon in navy blue stalks closely behind - and in between the two of them is a swaggering crimson-haired hellion with burning red eyes and a most disturbing smile on her face*
CARMS: ! . . . [falls bacwards onto her ample behind] Oh, shit.
SLOG: Bloody hell...
SULACO: You're both right.
*Mobius points both fingers in a cheesy 'sideways gun' manner towards the three as she walks past*
'Sup cretins?
*silence fills the room as the demons vanish*
SLOG: We. Are. Fucked.
GAI: Da-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-amn! [passes out cold]
-
Gah, took too long writing this, and missed a chance for a Christmas or New Years skit. Oh well...
~~~
*Back on the roof...*
Leon: How long have you two been there?
Maria: Long enough to know you're arguing over batting order... Or something like that.
Trevor: Oh, it's closer to that than you think.
*Richter elbows Trevor in the side, causing him to let out a groan of pain*
Sara: So why not do spin the bottle to see who goes first?
Juste: Isn't that where teenagers spin a bottle and make out with whoever the bottle lands on?
Simon: The bottle hits people?
*Trevor sighs, and smacks Simon over the top of the head*
Sara: ...Well yes, normally it is, but we're just using it to see who goes first here.
Richter: It still seems gay.
Sara: Well, do you have a better idea?
Trevor: ...Fuck it, let's go with Rock Paper Sciccors. It can't go that long.
*Simon and Richter nod, and the three put their fists together.*
S/R/T: ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT!
*The three all get sciccors.*
Simon: Uh, what does that mean?
Richter: It means it's a draw, dumbass.
*Simon elbows Richter in the side*
Trevor: Alright, let's try this again...
S/R/T: ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT!
*Similar result, except all rock*
Trevor: Crap, this is why I hate Rock Paper Sciccors...
Simon: Aw, it couldn't possiblly take that long, could it?
*15 hours later*
S/R/T: ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT! ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT! ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT! ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT! ROCK PAPER SCICCORS SHOOT!
Trevor: Wow, this is ridiclulous even for Rock Papre Scissors. How hasn't anyone won yet?
Simon:Because you keep chosing the same one as me!
Trevor: Oh, yeah, like I'm TRYING to pick the same one as you.
Richter: FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE WIN ALREADY! ANYONE!
Trevor: You know what, I don't even care anymore. Choose between the two of you.
Richter: I don't even remember what I'm doing this for anymore.
*Leon, who had apparently been asleep from the day full of Rock Paper Scissors, jabs his thumb towards the crates*
Richter: Oh, right. Yeah, suddenly, that doesn't sound so fun anymore.
Simon: Does this mean I go first?
R/T: *Sigh* Yes, Simon, you go first.
Simon: YIPEE!
*Simon rushes over to the crate and yanks out... a Fleaman!*
Maria: ...What the hell is that, and why do yo have a stockpile of them?
-
* * * BACK AT THE BAR (yeee-hahh!) * * *
*the pub's resident Succubus sits stirring a Bloody Mary with her index finger*
SUCCI: So begins a new year upon the mortal world.
NATHAN: [from behind his newspaper] Mm. A fresh start with renewed possibilities.
SUCCI: Or a clean slate to completely fuck up from scratch. Whichever comes first.
- You know poppet, one thing we could always count on from you was to have such a nice, positive outlook on things.
*Nathan drops his paper at the sight of the approaching demons*
SUCCI: Well strip me, skin me and call me a bloody mess...
SULACO: Now there's an image. How goes it, Marti? [nods towards Nathan] Nate.
SUCCI: Unbelievable. The most twisted fuck in all of hades returns to the cursed grounds of Drac's crib. Are you here for the master, Sulaco?
LAC: Maybe I'm just nostalgic.
NATE: [gathering his paper] I'll believe *that* when heaven's holy hosts drop their togas and do the Full Monty in Vegas.
*Lac turns to give Nathan a "what-the-bloody-fuck?" look*
SUCCI: Spikey's got a point there, slick. You aren't exactly the sentimental type, let's face it.
Oh you are just so incredibly perceptive of the painfully obvious, aren't ya?
SUCCI: Eat me, dragon-girl.
*Mobi leans in towards her chest eagerly, her jaws stretching and splitting open in a most disturbing yawn of six razor-toothed mandibles already dripping with inhuman saliva*
SUCCI: [leaning back] - LET ME REPHRASE THAT!
LAC: Good idea. Anyway, our dear and beloved scarlet-headed people-eater here just so happens to be the main reason I'm back on Earth for the time being.
*Mobi winks as her mouth returns to normal*
SUCCI: What-...? Her?
NATE: You're babysitting the one female that even Dracula would think twice about chewing on?
LAC: Keeping her within sniping range would be a more accurate assessment, but yes.
SUCCI: I would have thought such a high and mighty demon of your calibur would have had much better things to do than watching over children, old bean.
I'd have thought a professional skank who gets off on draining mortals of their souls during sex wouldn't have so much time to be dallying around sipping cosmos in a bar this early.
LAC: Spare me your cliched villain's banter, Marti. I just don't care to see my little pyrotechnic partner here torch an entire continent in her pursuit of happiness anytime soon.
[pouts] *pssht!* Can't ever do NO-THING here, man!
NATE: ...So you're really just here with the sole intention of keeping tabs on what she's up to?
LAC: Not entirely. Marti here wasn't completely off when she asked me if I was here for her boss. It so happens that I do indeed have some business with the master of the castle.
SUCCI: ...Oh? [glancing over her wing] And uh... Is he aware of it?
*Sulaco turns and grins at her*
NATE: [mutters] I'd call that a big NO.
SUCCI: Didn't think it would hurt to ask.
As we all know the Big D believes he has come across the ultimate means to dupe the good guys at last. Even now he and his necrophiliac sorcerer Shaft are progressing their plan to strike back against the Belmonts. - For like the umpteen-thousandth time.
LAC: Indeed. This turn of events kind of mucks up the whole light/darkness equalibrium balance -thing, upsetting the very cosmic foundation upon which the physical realm and the demon plane co-exist, which has led me, inexorably, here.
NATE: Whoa... Anyone else feel like Keanu Reeves right about now?
SUCCI: Wait-wait-wait, hold the clunky late-90's cell phone here. You're saying Dracula's latest Pinky-and-the-Brained scheme to conquer the known world and get in some payback is what got you back up here?
Well, that and his complete lack of gettin' any for the past few months. And we're talking any and all species of tail here.
It'll be your tail I'll be pumping. --My foot into if you step out of line, Mobius. Any problems with the slightest inkling of a certain demon's paw prints and I'll be having words with you. - After breaking a few limbs off in your ass. Anyway... [turning to Nathan and Succubus] Gentleman? Lady?
*nods cordially and exits stage left with Kregan behind him*
(K: Oh. Finally, a mention. Great. Yeah, nice to get one quick shout-out just before the fade to black, isn't it? Shit.)
I'll be watching you, little one, so best be behaving yourself.
Thanks dad. I'll be sittin' pretty right here with bells on.
*takes a seat at the bar, pops the top off a bottle of vodka from behind it and downs the whole thing in one swig before tossing it out the nearest window*
SUCCI: Uhh.... I can see by the writing on the wall, this new year is off to a long and grueling start.
[grabbing another bottle] Bite me, sperm-bucket.
SUCCI: [resumes sipping her own drink] Honey, not for all for the gold in Castlevania.
NATE: [goes back to reading his paper] I do not know you people.
-
Simon: What do you mean, what is it?
*Simon holds the Fleaman up to Maria's face*
Simon: It's a Fleaman! He's my Fleaman, and I will name him Fleaman!
Fleaman: I am the great Cornholio of Bungholio! Hnkhnkhnk...
Maria: O...kay... So what are you planning to do with these... things...
Richter: Simple. We plan on punting them off the roof of the castle and see which goes the farthest.
Simon: Like so!
*Simon whips around and punts the Fleaman clear off the castle roof. The demonic midget lets off a goofy high-pitched cackle before crashing into the side of Wygol Village's General store*
Sara: How barbaric!
Richter: It's actually quite fun. You wanna give it a try?
*Sara gives Richter the evil eye while Maria just shrugs*
Maria: Eh, sure, why not.
*Richter nods and pulls a new Fleaman from the crate. He hands the deformed creep to Maria*
Fleaman: THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO! BUNGHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIOOOOOOOOOOOOO! THE ALMIIIIIGHTY BUNGHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLIOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO!!
Maria: What the hell is with these things?
Trevor: They had a portable DVD player and several seasons of Beavis and Butthead with them when we got them.
Maria: Oh.
Fleaman: I need TP for my Bunghole! Hnkhnkhn...
Maria: I swear to god, if it says "Bunghole" one more time...
Leon: It won't matter. You're gonna punt it anyways, arn't you?
Fleaman: YOU MUST BOW DOWN TO THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!
Maria: THAT'S IT!
*Maria whips around and punts the unsuspecting Fleaman skyward. The Fleaman lets out the infamous Wilhelm scream before fading out in the distance, in an anime-esque exit.*
Juste: Wow, Nice kick. $20 says it dies on impact!
Richter: $40 says it dies of oxygen deprivation first!
Juste: YOU'RE ON!
*The five start taking bets on the fate of the Fleaman, as Sara looks on in horror*
Sara: YOU MONSTERS! You should be ashamed of yourselves! Picking on poor, defenseless midgets-
Trevor: Defenseless? Do you know how many damn pitfalls I've landed in because of those things?
Sara: That's IT! None of you are fit to wield me any longer!
Leon: I was never a part of this idea.
Sara: Except Leon. Shame on you boys for dragging him into this!
Richter: Sellout...
Simon: Wait... What do you mean, "Wield you"?
*Everyone glares at Simon in shock*
Leon: ...Sara is, for all intensive purposes, the Vampire Killer.
Simon: So... I took Dracula's head off with a woman? I've been swinging a woman around all this time?
Richter: Is he retarded?
Trevor: At least he's functioning, which is better than Soleyu and Desmond.
*Suddenly, the two notice their Vampire Killers are missing. They look around to see where they went, and spot Sara holding them, along with Juste's and Simon's*
Sara: I have deemed you all unfit to wield the Vampire Killer! The Belmont clan will have to wait until a true gentlemant is born into their clan before they can wielf the whip again!
Richter: Aw, but that might take centuries!
Sara: TOO DAMN BAD! Now release those poor midgets from those crates!
-
*Back at the pub, Cornell, Hugh, Sonia, and Reinhart are all gathered around one of the tables*
Hugh: Damnit, I can't believe I got retconned.
Sonia: At least IGA had a decent excuse to retcon you, meddling with the timeline.
Hugh: Oh, and who got knocked up by the Teen Alucard?
Sonia: Shut up, you.
Reinhardt: Well, we can always hope and pray that IGA changes his mind and revokes the retcon...
*Sonia and Hugh look at Reinhart, then burst into laughter.*
Hugh: Since when has ANYONE gotten out of Retcon hell?
Sonia: Ha! There'd be a better chance of Ressurection being finished and released! ON THE DREAMCAST!
Reinhardt: Oh, please. Cornell got his retcon reversed.
*The two stop laughing and stare at Cornell, who takes a sip of his beer*
Sonia: ...When?
Cornell: With Judgement. I even got a nice set of armor out of the deal.
Hugh: How in god's name did you manage to pull that off?
Cornell: I threatened to eat IGA's precious hat.
Sonia: Well, that'll do it. Hey, Reinhardt, you think I could get IGA to reverse my retcon if I sleep with him?
Reinhardt: Doubt it. He really seems to hate you.
*Desmond walks over to the group and sits down.*
Desmond: ...Retconned... I've been retconned.
Sonia: Sorry to break it to ya, but you were never really official to begin with.
Hugh: Yeah. To be fair, you're about a step below us.
Reinhardt: I don't even think IGA knows your game even exists.
Desmond: ...You're all so mean...
Cornell: It's only the truth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sit with the other official characters.
Hugh: Stop rubbing it in, jackass.
-
The door slams open and the towering shadow figure is in the doorway, everyones turns to look to see whos causing a mess now,
Richter: It wasnt me this time, i swear...
The shadow gets smaller and smaller as more of the pubs light reviels more.
Kid Dracula is there with a big grin on his face
KD: I'm to young to drink vine...
Alucard slaps his face.
Alucard: why did Aeon have to bring my younger self here?
Aeon: I figured it would prove amusing
St Germain: how about another round ol chap?
Aeon: I forsaw it happening...
all the girls practicly squeen at the chibi alucard.
"Hes soo cute!"
As the grown up alucard can feel looks of death from the other males around him...
-
Phew wow...I have NOT been on here awhile..I hope we can all open to our stoires with open arms :D.
--------------------------------------------------------------
At the C-Pub
Richter: Wow...Its been about 18 hours and we have NOT heard a single thing about this new Belmont....
Simon: Maybe it is a chick?
Maria: HEY WTF? Just because sometimes us women take awhile to get ready DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T APPEAR WHERE WE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE.
Back at Drac's lair
Dracula: ~Dee dee doo doo~
Death: *knock knock* Lord permission to enter?
Dracula: Sure thing death
Death: *Enters room and sees that Dracula has been using 1674 different combination of makeups.* .....
Dracula: Um...Maybe a little too much eyeshadow? Cause i was going for the Twilight look.
Death: LORD YOU WERE DUE AT THE PUB AT LEAST 16 HOURS AGO!!!
Dracula: Wow its that late? Looks like i need my beauty sleep...
Death: ~Sighs~ Aeon!!!
Aeon steps into the room
Aeon: *Looks as if he was busy just minutes ago* I was busy with Alucard and his cute child form!!!! Dang...I was only seconds away from seeing some good anime boobs!!
D/D: ...You could have just went forward in time to see them.
Aeon: Oh...But that kinda ruins the kinky-ness
Dracula: *Stands up suddenly with a Camrilla dress on* ENOUGH! We need to get to that pub ASAP! So that- *Phone rings* ...Umm...excuse me i have to take this
*Click beeb*
Heyyyyyyy Girllllfireennnndddd!!!!!!
Death/Aeon: ...wha?
Dracula: Oh yeah...What? YOU DID?? OMG HES SOOOO CUTE!! Okay...Yeah..Look i got to go things to do...Belmont's to seduce..Okay...Byeeeeee. *Click*
Aeon: And...Who was that may i ask?
Dracula: Oh just Succubus was inside Brad Pitts dream..~Sigh~ I would do anything to-
Death: URK. CHANGING THE SUBJECT.
Dracula: Oh right yes...Aeon! I need you to transport me to the Pub right away!!!
Aeon: Sure thing drac...!!
Meanwhile at the pub
Alucard: ~Shivers up the spine~ Urmmh...
KD: Whats wrong older me?
Alucard: I have a reallly badddddd feeling whats about to happen....
-
*even as little and big--... err, (snicker) that is, grown Alucard experience these spine-tingly sensations, a familiar female fingure in blood-red leather enters from behind the bar with a plate of what look like plump barbecued human fingers with dipping sauce*
MOBIUS: [to Al and Kid D] 'Sup niggas?
AL: !!-- [shrieks like a girl and dives for cover beneath table]
KID: Bloody hell!...
*parks her ass on a barstool and proceeds to snack on her finger foods*
MOBIUS: Man. Place is deader than OJ Simpson's sports career. What happened?
Shanoa: It's been like this for most of the past couple weeks.
*turns to regard the comely young woman sitting beside her*
MOBY: Oh really. And whome might you be with the exceptionally long but unmistakeably silken tresses?
SHAN: I am Shanoa. Star of the most recent handheld Castlevania outing. [nods courteously] And you are?
MOBY: Oh I have many names. Most folks around her just call me Moby.
*sidles up to Shanoa looking her up and down*
SHAN: Moby... How interesting. I've not heard of you.
MOBY: Few have. Makes things much easier for me.
*traces a finger over the archaic symbol etched onto Shanoa's left shoulder*
MOBY: Lovely tattoos. Do they mean anything?
SHAN: Uh... They-they are, well, sacred glyphs. They, uh, allow me to- *ahem* -to-to absorb the magical pro-properties of--? Of, uh, of... Eh-heh.
*looks nervously into the crimson eyes of Moby, who by now has traced her hand up her shoulder and collarbone to her slender neck, jawline, cheek, and now her luxuriant hair*
MOBY: Magical properties. Mm, yes. That would explain this-... Bewitching sensation that seems to exude from you. It is hard to resist.
Shan: Ohh? Ahh, my power over glyphs is primarily used to ward off servants of darkness. - Beings such as-- well, su-such-.... Uhh...
*inadvertantly begins to lean her head back as Mobius slowly draws her face nearer and nearer to hers*
MOBY: Great power I take it. [whispers] Outmatched only by your beauty, I'm sure.
*as Kid Dracula watches spellbound not more than a few feet away, Mobius takes Shanoa into her arms and kisses her full on the lips - slowly digging her mouth forcibly into hers more and more until suddenly Shanoa finds herself gripping the girl's shoulders for support*
KID DRAC: O_O ....sweet mother of--!
- Ehh-HEMM!
*Moby breaks away from Shanoa and turns innocently towards the sound of a familiar voice*
MOBY: I'm sorry, sweety. You wanna' get in on this?
SULACO: [grimacing] Moby... A word, please?
*yanks her head down onto the bar and leans in close*
LAC: See, this is exactly why certain measures need to be taken on my part to keep a close watch on you.
MOBY: Ah, well to your credit you're about to get one hell of a show in the next couple of minutes, boss.
LAC: ...That notwithstanding, I have entrusted the task of curbing your enthusiasm to someone I know will at the very least keep me up to date on every single thing you do.
MOBY: Ooo, she got a camera?
LAC: [smirks] Play nice with your babysitter while daddy's away.
*turns and walks towards the pub's main doors*
MOBY: Sure you won't be the meat in our lesbo sandwich then?
*stops short as the light but audible pitter-patter of size 3 boots resonate from behind her - Her smile tightens most unusually as she turns slowly to look down upon the unwelcomed sight of a white-haired little girl in ivory-pale clothing*
AKERON: Good evening Miss Mobius. I have been granted the task of monitering your actions amongst the patrons of this establishment.
*nods dutifully and demurely, taking her eerie baby-blue eyes off of Moby's for just a moment*
MOBY: ....
*suddenly lets her shoulders droop down and becomes stone serious - her bravado completely gone*
MOBY: Aw fuck.
SHAN: Ummmmm... He-hello?... Pardon me, but, ar-are we going to do this, or--!
*yelps suddenly as Mobius casually tosses her backwards over her shoulders and into the mirror behind the bar*
MOBY: Sorry babe. Good times ain't gonna' be happenin' for a while up in here.
*grabs a bottle of fire whiskey and pops its top off glumly as Akeron takes a seat next to her*
AKI: I look forward to working with you.
KID DRAC: I'm scared, future self. Hold me.
ALUCARD: Uhh... No.
-
Dracula arrives with Aeon outside the pub unnoticed
Dracula: Okay we here?
Aeon: Pretty much...Umm..May i ask whats your plan exactly?
Dracula: Oh its very VERY! Evil indeed...You'll find out soon right?
Aeon:...Um...I guess? Unless you mean i go forward in time to see what the crap you do,then come back to the present and try to stop your evil plan,because i suddenly have a change of heart...
Director of C-Pub story: GODDAMMIT AEON YOU JUST RUINED THE NEXT 3 REPLY'S TO THIS STORY!!!! F****!!!!
Aeon:~Shudder~ That man reminds me too much of Christan Bale on the Terminator set...
Dracula:....Righttttt...Well im off now *Starts walking to pub*
Aeon: Oh! Wait Drac!
Dracula: *Stops and turns head* Yessss?
Aeon: Im only going to tell you this once to listen closely...
Dracula: *Pretends to give a damn*
Aeon: ~Ahem~...Stay the fuck away from this Moby chick.
Dracula:*Nods head quickly and is in a rush* Got it fuck a Moby chick. Bai! *Goes inside pub*
Aeon:...Well! About time to go forward in time!*Makes a weird time travel sound* ~Bleeoo bleeeo bleeop!~
Inside the C-Pub
Everyone stops what there doing and looks at the new girl who walked in (Dracula i mean)
Dracula:.....
Pub: *Cracks knuckles*
Simon: *Whispers to Richter* Watch her...
Dracula: *Shakes body for a second*
Pub: *Gets ready about to attack*
Dracula: *Throws one quarter to the jukebox..aaannndddddd*
Jukebox: ~Ching-Klink!~
Dracula: AAOW!!!
*Smooth criminal plays*
Pub: *Starts dancing!*
Alucard: Oh shit...I knew EXACTLY i had a bad feeling...IGA had an idea to make a fucking Dance Dance Castlevaina Mix...As if frigged Mario mix wasn't enough!!!!
-
Iga sneezes looks around and goes back to wearing his hat and whipping his employes...
Richter: You know your not at konami right?
Iga: thats the idea.
Richter has an anime sweat drop come off his head.
Simon: nice one richter, you got the guy excited now. i'm ashamed to be your ancestor...
Iga: oh Simon i have a new outfit for you, it hides to much tho i think...
IGA reviels Simon in a more bondage Judgement suit.
Richter: suddenly i'm glad i never got into that game...
PSP remake richter taps sotn richter on the shoulder.
PSP Rich: sorry man iga already butchered you i mean me...dammit.
Rondo richter just stands there looking macho...
-
Holy crap, I forgot all about this place... >.>;; Well then, time to get to work...
*Back at the C-Pub, Richter and Maria are handing out leaflets to everyone. Suddenly, Soma, Hammer, Mina, and Yoko burst through the door, but before they can say a word, Richter and Maria hand them each a leaflet. Soma reads his out loud.*
Soma:"The Castlevania Pub presents a Spring Break Special on the beaches of the Kalidus Channel..." What the hell? I'm getting my kickass entrance cut out for a special!?
Trevor: No kidding, the author's forgotten to do specials for all the big holidays, and he decides to do one for Spring Break of all things.
Simon: Really, what's so good about Spring Break?
Eric: Four words- Whipped Cream Bikini Contests.
Simon: ...So?
Chris: *To Juste* No wonder his wife left him... He's a complete idiot.
Juste: *To Chris* Eh, he's better than Desmond or your son.
*Chris makes a strangling motion at Juste when suddenly Soleyu comes bursting in*
Soleyu: Whoo! Yeah! Massive beer-fest on the beach! *Blows an airhorn.*
Alucard: I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be this stupid.
Maria: Well, we ARE talking about Mr. Poop Shoes here.
Chris: Wait, Poop Shoes? What happened?
Richter: Well, a few nights ago we were gonna go drop off a bag of flaming dog poop on Barlowe's porch, but...
Trevor: Soleyu lit it in the wagon.
*Everyone looks at Soleyu*
Soleyu: Well, I wanted to see it all fire-y.
Simon: Yeah, then you stomped on it.
Soleyu: *indignant* It was on fire!
Maria: Right... I think I'm gonna go get the stuff together for the party that you're not going to tonight.
Soleyu: ...I'll bring the booze?
*Silence*
Richter: ...Issac's providing us with the booze.
Chris: Where the hell are you getting booze anyway, boy?
Soleyu: ...Uh...
*Suddenly, Young Julius kicks the door in.*
Julius: DRACULA! I'VE COME TO- Woah, you guys getting ready for a party? Tell me Mr. Poop Shoes isn't coming.
Soleyu: IT WAS ON FIRE!
-
Yay finnaly a special! Welcome back BTW :P
--------------------------------------------------
Dracula:*pretending hes not Dracula, but still in use of shafts potion that transformed him into a normal woman (But with still all his powers of corse)* Um...Dracula is not here in Transylvania any more Julius..
~The whole pub gets silent, and looks at this new person (Dracula)~
Julius: Holy crap are you serous?
Richter: Not here anymore?? Jesus Christ!
*From the other side of the pub*
Jesus: Hey! Im still here ya know....
~They all wait a moment~
Dracula: Uhh...what's with the silence?
Julius: Well let me explain it to ya lady, usally if we say holy words and such- Drac sometimes goes up in flames...
Dracula: *pretending he dosent know how it feels* Oh my...Then i guess hes not here...
Soleyu: Awesome!!! So next time i dont have to douse myself in holy water right?
Simon: Jesus kid...As if pasting Bible pages on you was not enough...
Soleyu: Hey! A guy has to be safe, right?
Chris: ~Sigh~ Son i am going to teach you later how to actually "Hold" our sacred whip...
Trevor: I'm not really sure you want to do that...
Chris: Why not?
Trevor: Cause IGA would probably have an idea to make soleyu a main character again...
Soleyu: REALLY?? ?? AWESOME!!!
At IGA's home
IGA: ~ACHOO~ Phew...Damn...I was thinking of making another game named "Castlevania: The evil poop shoe"...
back at the pub
Dracula: *Inside his/her head* Oh god no...If im still in use of this potion and have to captre that boy again...Im just going to put tampons in his mouth to shut him up...
-
*Later, on the beach of the Kalidus Channel, several wagons (And one Hummer) pull up along the beachline. Almost as soon as they come to a stop, Castlevania caracters begin pouring out.*
Richter: All right, Party time!
Soleyu: ROLL OUT THE KEGS!
*Dead silence. After a few seconds, Simon and Trevor grab Soleyu and throw him head first into the van, then Trevor slams the door in Soleyu's face*
Nathan: Will that really hold him?
Trevor: The boy's too stupid to figure out how to open a normal door, let alone a car door.
Nathan: Ah, touche.
*While Trevor and Simon had been taking care of Soleyu, a game of Beach volleyball had started up. Simultaneously, Soma, Jonathan, and Cornell were busy throwing together a makeshift stage for something...*
Soma: Alright, lets run through the checklist... Stage?
Jonathan: *Motions to the stage* Check.
Soma: Cameras?
*Marcel pops up from behind the stage with his camera in hand*
Marcel: Check!
Soma: Whipped Cream?
*Cornell pops open a nearby crate, revealing several dozen cans of whipped cream.*
Soma: Boys, I think we're just about redy to get this thing started.
*Off to the side, Christopher is shaking his head, hand on forehead.*
Chris: ...Teenagers...
Marcel: Teenagers? I'm 38!
Soma: Holy shit, you're 38? And how old is George, 45?
Marcel: ...He's younger than me...
*Meanwhile, a few hundred yards down the beach, Brauner and a very pissed off barlow are dragging along a large object covered in a tarp*
Barlowe: DAMN THOSE BELMONTS! THAT'S THE EIGHTH TIME THEY'VE PUT A FLAMING BAG OF MANUER ON MY PRCH STEP!
Brauner: And the eighth time you've fallen for it, too...
Barlowe: IT WAS ON FIRE! What, do you expect me to let it burn down my house!?
Brauner: There IS this thing called water...
Baarlowe: I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON THOSE IMMATURE BRATS TODAY!
*Barlowe yanks the tarp off the object, revealing it to be a massive Watermelon slingshot*
Brauner: ...You've got to be kidding me...
Barlowe: What? I'm not gonna kill then over a prank.
Brauner: It didn't sound that way a few minutes ago...
Barlowe: ...Shut up and help me load this thing...
*Back over with the heroes, Juste, Maxim, Albus, and Richter are playing agame of beach volleyball against Maria, Lydie, Sara, and Sonia. And losing horribly.*
Leon: *Sitting in the Lifeguard's chair as if it were a Ref's chair at a tennis match* FIFTY-LOVE! NEXT POINT FOR THE GIRLS WINS!
*Richter serves the ball, but just as it's about to get over the net, Maria and Sonia swat it down with a spike directly into Richter's face. The force of the blow sends him flying/sprawling back several yards.*
Maria: HAHA! WE WON!
Sonia: HA! So much for Cannon!
Juste/Maxim/Albus: We lost... to a bunch of girls...
Richter: *Struggling to get back up* Damnit, that was a foul! shot! It hit my face, not the ground!
Leon: Sorry, mate, it bounced off and hit the ground on your side. In bounds.
Richter: Aw, COME ON-!
*Suddenly, Richter gets nailed in the back of the head with a high-velocity watermelon, sending him flying/sprawling into the net*
Simon: Jesus Christ, what the hell was that!?
Hamner: TAKE COVAH!
*Everyone immediately dives aside as Hamner whips out a MASSIVE Spud Gun and fires several shots back towards the attackers*
*Back with Barlowe and Brauner...*
Barlowe: AHA! DID YOU SEE THAT!? TAKE THAT, YOU DAMN BRATS!
Brauner: Arn't most of them in their 20's-?
*Suddenly, a massive green blur nails Brauner in the chest, launching him into the air in a manner reminiscent of The Forgotten*
Barlowe: OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THA-!
*Two more green blurs fly by, nailing Barlowe in the face and the jewels respectively, launching him across the beach twice as fast as Brauner. Meanwhile, back with the "heroes", everyone stares at Hamner in shock.*
Julius: ...Hamner, what the hell are you firing?
Hamner: It's my personal Watermelon Launcher. I always bring one to beach parties.
Leon: I hope you realize how extremely wierd that is.
Hamner: What's so wierd about it? Havn't you ever had a watermelon fight?
*The others just start shaking their heads and walking away, one by one.*
-
Meantime, miles away from the beach..
Dracula:*From behind a closed door* Are your sure this is okay?
Annette:Yeah I'm sure you'll look great!
Dracula: ~Gulp~ Okay here goes!
*Dracula opens the door to reveal in a stunning swim suit that's fits for his women disguise*
Annette: Oh my gosh! That looks wonderful!!! Um uh....
Dracula: Oh you can call me...Cula...(Yeah that should work)
Annette: *Looks at Dracula in a suspicious manner* (Ive herd that name...Oh well. More Whip Cream for me!) Nice to have your name!
Now back the the uber-cool spring break beach partah!
Soleiyu: *Screaming from inside the hummer, with a sort of muffled voice with the windows up and doors closed* GODAMMIT LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!
Chris: Uh...Should i really?
Trevor: Nah..Ive herd someone left a little fun device in there with him.
Richter: Oh crap you don't mean-
Soleiyu: AHHHH PLEASE I SEE IT!!!! OH GOD, ITS TOO MUCH PLEASE- LET ME OUT OF HERE!! AHHHHHHHHHHCKKKK!!!!!
Chris: ~Facepalm~ Oh god...I forgot hes deathly afraid of GPS voices...
From inside the hummer
GPS: *With the basic accent girl voice, Repeating the same line's every 10 seconds* You are now at the designated area. Choose your next Destination.
Soleiyu: PLEASE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!!!!!
Trevor: Ehehehe...This is so much funnier then the "Poop shoe"
Soleiyu: *Hears that* (Oh for the love of-) IT WAS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!
Richter: ~Sigh~ Who put that in there in the first place?
From the beach line watching the whole Hummer issue
Eric: That'll teach that bastard not to use my staff as a marshmallow stick.
John: ~Shudders~ So cruel...
Eric: No, what's cruel is making me pose as a damn "Indiana Jones", kind of ghost!
Charlotte: You did give us good quests...
Eric:BUT WAS THE FEODORA NECESSARY?!?!
Meantime in the future
Aeon: Ahh okay! So! What am i suppose to find out here
Genya: I believe im suppose to tell you the plot of the Dracula scheme here..
Aeon: Does it involve any type of blue neon penis?
Genya: What? Where does that-
Aeon: Watchmen...Dosent do any good to the brain... ~shudders~
-
*adjusts leather tanktop and fluffs hair a tad as post begins*
MOBIUS: *ahem* Evening chilluns! How ya'll doin on this fine spring day? Your friendly hellspawn next door Moby here, and I'm happy to present a C-pub special for the boys out there. Not to mention my lovely spring-lovin' girlfriends as well, wazzup bitchahhhs! Wooo! Alright now, put your hands together for the Mobius Main Event brought to you by Good Vibrations - the maker of the world's best xtra wide condoms! (really) I give you the classic eptiome of girls gone wild... - Bikini mud wrestling!! YEEAAAHHHH!!
*claps and swings arms theatrically toward a large, circular, inflatable pool filled with what looks like refried beans*
*as attention focuses on the girls sploshing, slipping and twisting about in the brown stuff, it quickly becomes apparent that something is very clearly not quite right about this*
MOBY: In the ring, to start us off on this fine day, we have Lydie Erlanger facing off against Mina Hakuba! They are slugging it out to see who truly is the most diserving of the title "Most Useless CV Side Character Evar!" Let's give it up for Lydie and Mina! WOOOO!!
*all around Moby's warped sideshow the gathered male onlookers stand with their eyes and mouths agape in the most shocked ways*
TREVOR: Good God...
SIMON: Dear Christ...
ALUCARD: Sweet mother...
CHRISTOPHER: That ain't right.
LEON: That's so wrong...!
RICHTER: Man, this is some whack sh**, yo.
MOBY: Yes, my filthy and depraved Japano-born bishy boyz! Eat it up! You know it's what you want! Come on, America, let's hear it for rampagin' Asian sleaze! Woo-Hooo!
* * * ELSEWHERE IN DIMENSIONS LESS SUNNY * * *
KREGAN: Damn...
SULACO: ....
*sits staring at the monitor completely frozen*
KREG: So, uh... Where do you suppose the kid is? Wasn't she supposed to be watching Moby?
MOBY: [on-screen] "Lap it up, kids! We've got plenty more bouts coming up in a mud-soaked battle royale of underage fury! And stay tuned to see who will be left standing to face the number one pint-sized contender in all of hell! The Masked Munchkin, AKERO-O-O-O-ON!!"
*sweeps a hand toward a platform where the short, slender figure of Aki stands stifly garbed in a strange one-piece swimsuit of what looks like black lizard scales and a cheesy superhero mask*
AKERON: "Thank you, Miss Mobius. I am watching you closely."
KREG: O_O umm.... wow.
*turns cautiously toward Sulaco*
KREGAN: So ahh... Should we be doing something here?
LAC: ...Hell yeah.
*stands up slowly - - menacingly - - world-threateningly even!*
LAC: - We're gonna' need to get some beers. I've gotta see that final match.
-
*Meanwhile, off to the side...*
Nathan: There's something horribly wrong about this whole thing, but I can't put my finger on it...
Hugh: Oh, come on, it's just a bit of- IS THAT LAURA!?
Nathan: Huh? Oh, yeah.
Hugh: ...You're indifference scares me...
Nathan: Why do you think I didn't help Soma with his whipped cream bikini contest?
Hugh: Oh... Speaking of which, where is he?
*The two watch as a barrel starts to slide by, MGS Box style. The barrel stops sliding for a second as a REALLY PISSED OFF Shanoa storms through and looks around.*
Shanoa: Hey, you two. Have you seen Soma?
Nathan: Nope.
Shanoa: Damn... When I find that little creep, I'm gonna...
*Shanoa goes off on a rant that would make Mr. T's ears bleed and the Terminator wet his pants. The barrel starts shaking violently, but immediately ceases movement when Shanoa turns around to see why Nathan and Hugh had been staring at it.*
Hugh: Out of curiosity, what did he do?
*Shanoa simply pulls out a can of Reddi whip*
Hugh: That's not that bad...
Shanoa: He tried licking it off.
Hugh: Oh.
Nathan: We'll call for you if we find him.
*Shanoa nods and walks off. Once the two are certain she's a safe distance away, Nathan gets up and picks up the barrel and reveals a literally scared shitless Soma Cruz.*
Nathan: I told you, if you're gonna do something that stupid, go for Carmilla. At least she'd enjoy it.
Soma: You asshole, you never said ANYTHING about that!
Hugh: How would you even know that anyways?
Nathan: I'm John Tucker.
Soma: Never mind that! Hide me, quick!
Nathan: Why? Shanoa already left.
Soma: You think she's the only one? The other three are busy pounding away at Marcel, Jonathan, and Cornell!
*Nathan and Hugh look at eachother in shock*
Soma: ...What's with that look?
Nathan: Sorry buddy, but if Cornell's getting his ass kicked, we don't want to be part of it.
*Before Soma can get up to run, Hugh shouts towards the door Shanoa left through*
Hugh: HEY! WE FOUND SOMA!
*As if on cue, Shanoa, Maria, Sypha, and Sonia burst through the door*
Sonia: GET HIM
Soma: YOU TWO TRAITOROUS BAST-
*Soma is immediately hit by a massive barrage of spells, throwing knives, arrows, and birds that would be expected from a Touhou game, and is propelled clear across the studio, sprawling every which way*
Hugh: Huh... those spasms remind me of those "Get Down" meme videos on Youtube...
*Meanwhile, Leon's pounding his head into the wall because of the use of meme jokes in this skit*
-
As if the story didn't have enough continuity errors, lets add some more!
Kid draucla is sitting in the sand making a Castle by himself. "Grown ups sure are weird"
The Castle is soon smashed by a wrickled old man wearing a purple pope get up.
Shaft: Scram kid...
KD: i dun wanna.
Shaft: hey KD, kraft dinner?
KD: no my papa's name is dracula, I'm kid Dracula.
Shaft: Right...(this kid must be alucard before he got smart)
Dracula appears as a male in his judgement garb Behind shaft
Dracula: are you certain this is the correct timeline this time shaft? I will not have any more excuses...is this even the right continuity for that fact...
Dracula sees Cula and slowly turns to shaft.
Dracula: this has suddenly been an awkward experience...Now son, dont ever change.
Kd: I wont papa...
Dracula: (i'd rather him be straight then gay..) oh a bikini contest, shaft popcorn, NOW!
Shaft: sir, thats just more disturbing, your like 900 years old.
dracula shoots shaft a stern look with murder in his eyes.
Shaft sighs.
Shaft: at once my lord.
-
*Suddenly, Richter, Simon, Juste, Leon, Chris, Trevor, and Julius all surround Dracula, Posing as if they had just jumped out of an episode of Fist of the North Star*
R/S/J/L/C/T/J: DRACULAAAAAAAAA!!
Dracula: *In shock* ...Mommy...
*The seven Belmonts move towards Dracula, who starts cowering in fear, and each slam an empty mug down on the table*
R/S/J/L/C/T/J: FILL 'ER UP!
Dracula: ...What? I'm not-
*The seven glare at Dracula evilly*
Drac: ...Yes sir. Would you like Budweiser or Miller?
*Meanwhile, over at one of the booths, Soma, Marcel, Jonathan, and Cornell are using their drinks to dress their new wounds. Soma has a cas on both legs, Marcel has a cast on one arm and a neck brace, Jonathan is wearing an eyepatch and a back brace, and Cornell is virtually unscathed except for a gash across his cheek*
Marcel: ...I can't feel my toes...
Soma: At least they're intact. I'm not gonna be walking again for months.
Jonathan: Yeah, well that should heal. I lost an eye. I won't be able to heal that over.
Soma: Yeah, well, at least we can talk and eat and drink. Cornell can't even do that with his jaw wired shut, now can he?
*Cornell simply gives Soma the bird*
Jonathan: Well, I have to say, though, I can make the most out of my injury. Everyone knows that Eyepatches increase your awesomeness tenfold.
Marcel: ...Nah, sorry, bud. You're no Harlock.
Soma: Heheh... "GARathan."
Jonathan: Oh, shut up. I look cooler than "GARph"-
*Jonathan gets nailed in the side by a knife, knocking him off the booth bench.*
Trevor: NO ONE uses my crappy Japanese name. Especially as part of a dumbass meme joke.
Marcel: Ya know, these injuries definitely were worth it just for this moment.
*Soma and Cornell nod and chuckle in agreement*
Jonathan: Oh, fuck you.
*Sera walks by, stops, and yanks the Vampire Killer off Jonathan's belt*
Sera: No perverts are allowed to wield me!
Soma: You do realize that Nathan is a massive voyeur, right?
*Sera goes to say something, and instead does a full 180 and heads off to the back room.*
Marcel: Is that even true?
Soma: Probably not, but that bastard deserves it for ratting me out.