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Offline gravekeeper

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« on: September 08, 2008, 01:09:45 PM »
I'm gonna reveal a little weakness of mine here in the dungeon. I was kinda hoping that you could help me get over this kind of behaviour and help me control it.

I've never been really lucky in my relationships. More than once I've been left for another guy and that have taken huge hits on my self esteem. These incidents have made me become easily paranoid and in a relationship I can end up feeling uneasy easily.

Right now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl. Our relationship is mature and strong and we both believe this relationship could last forever. Though my past girlfriends have pretty much scarred me for life and I'm having a hard time getting over my jealous behavior. I know that I can trust my girlfriend and that she would never hurt me, but getting jealous has become like.. a reflex for me. I get jealous without thinking logically and it feels like I can't help it. It's like when someone tickles your nose and you have to sneeze. The right words or situations can easily make me uneasy and paranoid.

I was hoping you could help me get over this behaviour? Give advice of what I should do? This kind of behaviour has set its roots in me and it's really hard for me to think straight and get over it. So please, give me advice of how I should control this, so I wont screw this relationship up.

Offline Clara E. Leet

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2008, 01:23:20 PM »
Think of how you would feel if she started to act jealous, and that's probably how she feels, she just may not show it as much or as little as you may show it.

And what exactly do you mean by jealousy? Does she have male friends that she likes to hang out with, an ex-boyfriend she still talks to, or is it something else?

Offline Jorge D. Fuentes

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Re: Jealousy
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2008, 05:14:09 PM »
In Reply to #1,

I feel for you... to a degree (similar things have happened to me).  Having said that, you have to trust your girlfriend and know that it'll work itself out.  If it doesn't work out, it probably was not meant to be.

A relationship is all about trust.  You have to trust her, just as she trusts you.  There's no real way to 'get over' being jealous (I'm kinda that way as well), all you can do is cope with it, as Clara said.

It's important that you let her know that you have this problem, too (if she doesn't know it already), and that you're willing to work on it.  If she loves you, she might even help you with it.
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Offline Mobius

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Re: Not easy bein green
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2008, 07:07:27 PM »
Good advice, though I would point out one not-so-small thing here. Love hardly has anything to do with it. If you care about someone at all -- be it as a friend, as a confidante, even as a bed buddy -- you are going to want to make the effort to communicate with them. Especially when it comes to important topics like this.

Yes, jealousy is a tough tonic to have to swallow. But unfortunately it is a part of our nature. The best anybody can hope to do is relay their feelings to others about what it is causing them to become jealous of the other person and then try to reach an understanding over it. Me? I personally tend to agree with the guys who feel secure in the simple knowledge that while their girlfriend/wife/partner/what-have-you is spending time away from them with male friends, girlfriends, even exes, they're still ultimately coming home to them and are more than glad to be. I mean, she *is* going to miss you right? This is why it's important to respect her personal space. And women can tell when you're sincerely recognizing these kinds of things, believe me.

The only time any problems start seems to be when there is an emotional distancing that coincides with her time spent away from you. Case and point: You feel that you're growing apart and she in turn thinks you're just being possesive of her. Red light, folks. Something is out of joint. Again, this needs to be brought up and openly discussed, and you need to let her know you're thinking only about the relationship. - This has nothing to do with any selfish wants on your part. Don't forget that you have a solid indicator of when something or other feels wrong. That funny feeling you get down in your gut. That will let you know if you really should bring something up that could be extremely important to keeping the relationship strong, or whether it's just something simple you need to let slide and move on from.

If the first feeling is true though, remember one thing. Always trust that gut instinct, but don't forget that there is a big difference between your gut and your insecurity. Insecurity will just make you fear the worst and turn any jealousy into outright resentment if you're not careful.

As for that 'tickling sensation under your nose' impulse that seems to just come on, I suggest keeping something sweet-smelling on hand to sniff in those cases so you can calm down for a second and think rationally. Yes, you've gone through some shit in the past. But it's behind you, it's not going to be recurring the rest of your life, and things are different now. So appreciate what is that you do have now and get on with it. Trust me, women dig that much more than the testosterone-driven urge to turn green, tear open your shirt and Hulk-mash the next guy who makes your girl smile or laugh.
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