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Offline Mooning Freddy

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Damn, just blew it with another one
« on: February 24, 2017, 03:20:33 PM »
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Ah... I don't know what's wrong with me. Here I was, in a happy relationship with a sweet, loving woman. Fun and cute, and has great friends, and best of all, she's crazy about me. But then I had to become too damn full of myself.
So I blew it. The relationship was unequal. She knew it and hell, I knew it. She loved me more than I loved her.
I fully acknowledged that. She was much more passionate, much more excited by me. But HECK! Love is not a damn competition! I told her this. I loved her too! She's a wonderful person, warm and a great listener; we had so much fun together!
Well, she wasn't my IDEAL type, but damn it, my ideal type is not very realistic! I didn't care about that. Nobody's perfect, the girl isn't an intellectual, but she's smart; maybe not as educated as me, but does it really matter? She isn't drop-dead gorgeous, but she's pretty and charming. We didn't have everything in common, but we did enjoy spending time together.

Then how did I blew it? How had I let her acknowledge that my feelings for her aren't as strong as her feelings for me?
And what are those feelings, anyway? In those 27 years that I'm on this planet, I've hardly had feelings for any women at all, many of them definitely not women that I could get. Why couldn't I just love her? I mean, I liked her in every way. Why is this love thing so damn important? Find someone that you really like, marry her. That's the plan, isn't it? True love develops overtime, right?
*sigh* And here's the thing. I've got no one to blame but myself. She did EVERYTHING right. But she kept asking me why it seems like I don't care about her as much as she cared about me. The truth? I wasn't CRAZY about her. And she couldn't tolerate that. But I had expressed love and support. I wasn't a bad partner; I was simply not a very passionate partner.

That frustrates me. When I have to consider "what went wrong", there is no what went wrong. What's wrong is that I'm a cold bastard who finds it hard to FEEL and empathize. That happened in my previous relationship and it happens now. What if I can't be a passionate partner? Is that so horrible? Does that mean I'm gonna die alone?
Ah, relationships. I don't know how other people do it.  :P
« Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 03:49:36 PM by Mooning Freddy »
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Offline zangetsu468

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2017, 06:02:35 PM »
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Why is this love thing so damn important?

It's difficult to acquire REAL and everlasting love. Think of it as winning "heart lotto", why do so many people buy lottery tickets?

Find someone that you really like, marry her. That's the plan, isn't it? True love develops overtime, right?
*sigh* And here's the thing. I've got no one to blame but myself. She did EVERYTHING right. But she kept asking me why it seems like I don't care about her as much as she cared about me. The truth? I wasn't CRAZY about her. And she couldn't tolerate that. But I had expressed love and support. I wasn't a bad partner; I was simply not a very passionate partner.

It happens to the best of us, sometimes someone is ideal on paper, but the chemistry and synergy just doesn't mix right.

That frustrates me. When I have to consider "what went wrong", there is no what went wrong. What's wrong is that I'm a cold bastard who finds it hard to FEEL and empathize.

Nah man, I was like you when I was younger. I know what you mean when you say you want to feel something or "why couldn't i just love her". In the end, feelings can't be forced, they will develop when you find the person you're supposed to. That's the frustrating part.

What if I can't be a passionate partner? Is that so horrible? Does that mean I'm gonna die alone?

I don't think so. You're putting yourself out there enough, eventually you will strike gold. I was positive love just wasn't for me, and I graciously stopped looking in 2012 and admitted defeat, I was actually really happy that I had tried enough and was looking forward to a life of solitude. In 2013 I found the one. you never know what will happen.
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Offline Gunlord

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2017, 07:52:17 PM »
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Yeah, brother, Zangetsu's got the right idea. It sucks, but as he said, it's like there's a "heart lotto" out there. If you weren't lucky now, don't be too harsh on yourself over it. Just means you might have better luck next time :)

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Offline X

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2017, 10:31:18 PM »
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Maybe your one of those types that goes through some many women till you end up with the right one. My sister was like that. I can't tell you how many boyfriends she had gone through before settling on someone whom she'd never, in a million years, thought she'd end up marrying and happy with. It's kinda funny and odd how these things work out like that.
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Offline Shiroi Koumori

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2017, 11:03:29 PM »
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Maybe she isn't for you.
Some people are just damn lucky to hit the jackpot the first time; but for most of us, it either takes time or it will never happen.
As I always say, why do you need to rush things? Being single is fun!

Offline Dracula9

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2017, 11:23:47 PM »
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Here's the thing, brother. I wouldn't consider you cold or emotionless or anything of that nature. Some people are simply more introverted about their feelings than others, or simply don't manifest them in the same ways as others might.

I have no doubts that you did indeed have feelings for this woman, however the simple fact appears to be that the kinds of feelings -- or more specifically how those feelings were manifested -- simply did not line up between the two of you.

Did it end civilly? Are the two of you still talking or at the very least remaining in contact even as friends or anything? If there isn't anything resembling hatred or animosity between the two of you now, then I would not consider the results to be anyone's "fault."

Chemistry simply doesn't always line up, even if everything else seems to be in good standing and order.

The important thing to remember here is that you're feeling upset because you weren't able to manifest things the way you thought you should have. I would say that you should not feel bad or guilty about this at all. That you even feel guilty in the first place signifies that you have a good heart and moral compass.

But you cannot force love, nor should anyone try to. Trying to force emotions or manifestations of emotions that simply aren't there will be far more disastrous down the road than any early endings are snags with in the relationship. As far as I see it based on the information you shared, I think in the long run that you did the right thing by not trying to force anything too much. Personally, I feel that it is better for both of you that it was decided to be ended early based on these factors rather than have one or both of you try to force emotions that aren't necessarily there or that you feel are more "acceptable" and ultimately causing only more grief and heartache further down the line.

Obviously I don't really know much of you outside of these forums, and I don't know this woman at all, so I can only go by what I see and what you've given us. But what I do know for sure are the results of seeing people try to force emotions because they think it's necessary to make a relationship work. And it never ends well for anyone.

It is better to remain true to oneself and deal with a bit of pain as a result, then try and force or otherwise pretend to be something else and endure far more pain and grief down the line as a result.

If neither of you actively contributed negativity which ended the relationship on poor grounds, then honestly speaking I don't think you have much to feel bad or guilty about beyond the inevitable personal hang-ups that we all go through and are predominantly temporary.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 11:25:45 PM by Dracula9 »


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Offline zangetsu468

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2017, 01:03:34 AM »
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The important thing to remember here is that you're feeling upset because you weren't able to manifest things the way you thought you should have. I would say that you should not feel bad or guilty about this at all. That you even feel guilty in the first place signifies that you have a good heart and moral compass.

Dracula9 hit the nail on the head with this.
The italicised illustrates that the synergy wasn't 100% correct between you, otherwise the manifesting would have happened the way in which you'd have liked it to. I don't know you personally but I also believe if you weren't a thoughtful person, you wouldn't feel even a bit of internal conflict about this.

Don't rush into finding love. If you're in your mid-late 20's now then you still have a good amount of time to find the person you're supposed to be with. #keepthefaith
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Offline Mooning Freddy

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2017, 02:09:44 AM »
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I feel like I have a cognitive dissonance that might be preventing me from being able to fully love.
I see my friends getting married, and in some cases I saw them marrying people that were less than perfect; at least to me. This makes me feel like I have unrealistically high standards. Most people are not "perfect", they are just "okay".
Sometimes I want to ask those friends of mine that married women that I don't find all that attractive or smart or whatever whether they think their wives are perfect. Like, really perfect for them. Because I often feel like most people don't search for a perfect partner, they just find someone they like and stick with him/her. But what if they said they do think their partner is perfect?
Well, then I'm fucked. I could be spending months just searching for someone nice who likes me; Finding someone who's "perfect" by my unconsciously high standards seems like almost impossible. There are so many things that need to work there for it be perfect.
And being with someone who's less than perfect for you? Well, that's just a life of lying to yourself and to your partner; I think it COULD work, seeing how it works in my less than perfectly loving family. As long as you're willing to live with the thought that your partner loves you, although you are less than perfect for him/her.
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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2017, 11:02:25 AM »
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Brah, I feel like you really should just spend some time to yourself for a while. I mean have you ever just had a chance to be single and date with nothing serious? It may do you wonders to try it for a little while..

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Offline Jorge D. Fuentes

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2017, 02:18:32 PM »
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Speaking as someone on both ends of this problem (on this last relationship I was the more 'loving' one, but on my last relationship I was told I was not 'loving' enough).... it's not your fault, unless it is.

Sounds weird?  I'll break it down.

If you weren't interested in this girl and were actively seeming uninterested, then it's your fault.
If you were playing games and seeming aloof or uninterested, then it's your fault.
If she told you that she needed you to be more interested/invested in the relationship, and you knew this, but did not try your best to your ability to oblige, then it might be your fault.

Otherwise, it's not your fault.

On that first one, if it's been in your nature to be 'the stoic', and she fell for you knowing you were as such, then she saw this right off the bat.  Her trying to change you into a sensitive being probably would have had unnecessary stress added to the relationship.
On the 2nd one, if you were actively playing games (you don't seem like the type who would do this), then I suppose it wasn't a serious relationship in the first place, and she is right to leave you.

The last one is the more complicated one.  Sometimes people have needs (sexual, intellectual, emotional, and even financial), and if their needs aren't being met, then it doesn't matter if your personal needs are, because they require theirs to be met, otherwise the relationship is uneven.  If she told you she needed emotional feedback and such, and you knew you could not have given her what she needed, or knew you couldn't be bothered to try to do it for her, or doing this for her would be too taxing on you, then the relationship was going to fail, even if your needs were met.

The way you described the relationship is troubling, though.  It seemed like she was 'mediocre' to you.  So maybe you were going through the motions and she sensed it?

Love isn't like in the movies, though, and a lot of people don't realize that. They see a movie and they see 'that' caricature of love, and they know they don't have 'that'.  They want 'that'.  And anything that is not 'that' doesn't seem real.  I'm not sure whether this is what happened to her, either.

Most of the smaller problems in relationships can be worked out, either by lots of communication, or by some amount of investment in the relationship.  It's when these problems are left undiscussed, that they fester and become a larger problem.  I'm not sure how it ended up like this for you, nor can I say who is at fault here.

I have no ending to this, so I'll just stop right here for now.
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Offline zangetsu468

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2017, 03:42:45 PM »
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I feel like I have a cognitive dissonance that might be preventing me from being able to fully love.

This sounds like a dangerous self-fulfilling prophecy. Most of the time when people are avidly looking for love but can't find it, it comes down to them not believing they deserve to be loved or actually deep down being happier to be single.

Forget what you think you know about yourself in relation to love, because it hasn't worked, and wipe that slate clean.

I see my friends getting married, and in some cases I saw them marrying people that were less than perfect; at least to me.


This is why you should never try to analyse other peoples' relationships, you answered your own question, they're not perfect to you because you would have never picked someone like them. These thoughts are not worth your mulling over.

This makes me feel like I have unrealistically high standards. Most people are not "perfect", they are just "okay".
Sometimes I want to ask those friends of mine that married women that I don't find all that attractive or smart or whatever whether they think their wives are perfect. Like, really perfect for them. Because I often feel like most people don't search for a perfect partner, they just find someone they like and stick with him/her.

You've said the word 'perfect' about 5 times in this post alone. You may be searching for perfection with love as the disguise, which will be very difficult as love itself is hard enough to come by.

Having said this, the 2 often will not come hand-in-hand, but if you find true love you will see the person in a light that makes them perfect for you, and they will see you in the same light.

But what if they said they do think their partner is perfect?

Bang.... Smoking gun

Well, then I'm fucked.

Only if you believe you are. There's more to life than the pursuit of love, despite what a lot of people may think..
See a lot of people look for love when they're young, wanting to spend the rest of their lives with someone so they can build a life together. However, when they're young, they still think young and they don't realise they need life experiences to evolve, to challenge themself and to have gone through a certain number of things before they find a settled life, or a life that suits them (some people choose to never settle down).

These are the experiences you are going through now. I think, as a previous poster stated, you need time to be single for a while and think about what you really want. Because as good as relationships are as a learning curve, if you keep making the same mistakes over and over you will stop learning and start repeating.

I could be spending months just searching for someone nice who likes me;

I would focus on finding someone who YOU really like, not the other way around. Because it seemed like the last girl liked you A LOT, had a lot going for her, yet you didn't like her as much and were slightly complacent in the relationship's evolution. Once you have to court someone because of genuine interest, the tables will turn or at least the dynamic will keep you interested.

Finding someone who's "perfect" by my unconsciously high standards seems like almost impossible. There are so many things that need to work there for it be perfect.

Perfect perfect perfect.. There's that word again.
So what if it's nearly impossible? You may actually be very lucky like some of us where the struggle is all about finding the one, but in the end when you've found that person, things actually go smoothly and it's better than some hollyweird romance flick. It does exist but takes a hell of a lot of belief and perseverance. You need to have your mind right, you've just come out of a relationship, give yourself time dude. Rome wasn't built in a day. 

And being with someone who's less than perfect for you? Well, that's just a life of lying to yourself and to your partner; I think it COULD work, seeing how it works in my less than perfectly loving family. As long as you're willing to live with the thought that your partner loves you, although you are less than perfect for him/her.

You need to understand that you seek perfection, but what you seek is not necessarily what everyone else seeks. Things work differently for different people, they may not even know what they seek, but innately they seek it. You can learn a lot by observing people.
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Offline Mooning Freddy

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2017, 12:12:41 AM »
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Good comments, people.
I contemplated on it for a day and I think I acknowledged the reason why it didn't work for me. She wasn't my type.
Well, merely saying that doesn't really explain my feelings, as I still had some emotions for her.
So, the explanation is... she wasn't fully my type. She was a nice and warm and filled a void in my heart. But that wasn't enough.
I suppose I could say I loved her, but I wasn't in love with her. She wasn't really my type, physically and in her personality.
This is why it was difficult for me. She didn't excite me. Somehow, I was unable to fully acknowledge that before. Probably because I was too focused on what I did like about her.
« Last Edit: February 26, 2017, 01:10:26 AM by Mooning Freddy »
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Offline Shiroi Koumori

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Re: Damn, just blew it with another one
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2017, 12:44:33 AM »
0
There you go. That's the first step to recovery.

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