Sorry for keeping bothering you with my romance-related threads, guys. By now, you know quite a lot about the relationship I was in for the last year and a half. As I only posted about the problems that I had in the relationship, I haven't really told you about the good parts of it. And let me tell you this, even though there were problems, the good sides of it were so much more to me than the difficulties, which I believe could be solved if there was the will to try again.
But now it's over. Around two-three weeks ago, she broke up with me.
Yeah, the relationship has been dying slowly for two months; but I kept believing that where there's a will, there's a way, and for a while, it seemed like I convinced her to try again. Until my partner made the final statement, that there's no will in her.
Ironically, I found a quote on the internet that summarized those two years through which we knew each other. And the description was so short and to the point that I was amazed. There it is:
The breakup is difficult. And what makes it more difficult is that she already found someone else. She "found" him before the breakup, and said that she wouldn't have considered a new relationship if she wasn't so unhappy with the relationship she had with me, but I believe it added weight to the scale which made her decide to not give me another chance.
I wasn't the best boyfriend; Maybe I failed in many aspects, this I know. I wasn't attentive enough, wasn't active or interested enough, and as a result, she decided that I'm not exciting or inspiring enough to be her partner. It would have been easier for me to think "It's not you, it's her" if we both had not admitted that during the first year, it somehow worked, and we were indeed happy together.
It's horrible, because I realize that throughout the relationship, I have been feeding her my own insecurities about life in our endless conversations, and as a result she thought I'm a pessimistic person and said I was depressing her rather than encouraging her.
When I realized that, I could not believe what a bad partner I was. I saw her as my fountain of optimism, but as I'm an insecure person, I did not acknowledge fast enough that I'm draining her of her optimism and making her more insecure and unhappy.
Now I know that I shouldn't think about "what could have been" but about the future. And let me tell you, I'm scared. I'm quite a dependent person, and I'm constantly looking for strings to hold on to in life. My partner was my string, and now that it's lost, I feel like a part of me was cut out. She left a huge gap in my heart as she had everything that I wanted in a partner. Now the way I see it, the size of the gap is the problem. It's easy to say "you'll find someone else". Duh, of course you can find someone else; the problem is finding someone to fill the gap in your heart, and finding someone as attractive and as interesting to me is going to be friggin' hard. And I am quite picky, there's a specific type of women that I'm attracted to.
And I'm exactly in the stage of my life when many of my friends are getting married. That's frightening; In addition to the depression (why don't I have what they have?) it also feels like the market of potential partners my age is shrinking; like, "all the good ones are taken, the only ones left are the weirdos or those who have incredibly high standards".
Bottom line, I don't know how to deal with it. I have my friends and family to support me, and they do help. But I feel the depression won't go away. My friend said I may need around six months to truly get over it, but that's a hell lot of time. Should I go back to dating? This is also a challenge because I'm not in a stage of my life when I meet many single women. I don't have that many female friends, especially not single ones, and I'm not the kind of person who picks up women in clubs or pubs and such, and my friends also don't do that. I feel like only meeting someone new would truly help me get over it.
What do you think guys? Those are many questions that I raised hear, I'd be glad to hear comments.