Topic: FEAR THE MIGHT OF HOUSE BELMONT

[redrum]

[Jorge D. Fuentes]

That's AWESOME.
I'm gonna move it to Fan Stuff though, so that it doesn't get lost in between other posts as much.

[Mobius]

*raises a goblet of vintage Villa Punch*

Can't be any worse than anything else Konami has thrown into the mix lately. Salud! *downs punch*

...Hell, I can see it now.

OMAR FERNANDEZ: House! Dracula has risen from the grave anew!

HOUSE BELMONT: ...Anew? *stares blankly* I'm sorry, did you just say that aloud? A-neww? Good god, man, who talks like that anymore?

OMAR: Er... Okay. House? Uhh, the people need you. Now.

HOUSE: Uh-huh. Indeed. Well, this whole rising-up-to-defend-the-world bit kind of worked back when Belmonts actually wielded something called 'pure faith' against the unholy armies of the undead. And that I believe went out the window with the advent of edible condoms and disposable abortion kits.

OMAR: But sir, if you could but w--!... Wait. Disposable--! They... They have those now?

HOUSE: Ohh sweet hallelujah. And another one bites the dust. *stomps off with silver cane in hand*

OMAR: Uhh.... ! Wait, where are you going?

HOUSE: To dial 1-900 DIAL A PRAYER. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get their morning star special.

 

[Battler Ushiromiya]

XD

MOBIUS'S SKIT MUST BE EXPANDED! This is too great NOT to turn into a full fic.

[Mobius]

Ohhh kay ^_^

_____________________
ONCE UPON A TIME VA-A-A-AY BACK IN 1641--

*B L A M M O !!*

[as a bunch of random, nameless villagers scramble for cover like a bunch of chickens in a McDonald's meat processing plant, a trio of stalwart figures marches toward the site of a smoldering conflagration at the town church. . . . well, two of them at least. The third strides awkwardly with a stiff, agitated gait supported on his right side by a silver cane]

Priest: [coughs] "...By the Saints above--! House Belmont!" [hurries towards approaching figures] "God be praised."

HOUSE BELMONT: [mutters] "Ohh be still my racing pulse. *ahem* Evening, father. What, uh, seems to be the trouble?"

*the bald man to his right casts House an "are you $#!++in' me" look*

OMAR FERNANDEZ: "Er, could it perhaps be the sudden explosion that has claimed the church before our very eyes, master Belmont??!"

HOUSE: "You know, Ferddie, nobody appreciates the stating of the painfully obvious at any time. Particularly when the obviousness in question revolves around the grand destruction of public or, in this case, sacred property."

*the women to his left stares aghast at the burning remains of the church*

LISA BURKHENSTEIN: "Mother of Christ... Who or what could have caused such a thing?"

OMAR FERNANDEZ: "Surely we don't assume the tools of Dracula are far behind this foul craft?"

HOUSE: "Heh, tools." [smirks at Omar] "I would save all speculating until we have some hard proof staring us right in the face."

*the trio circles the blazing structure*

OMAR: "Very well, House. What say you to that?"

*he points towards the still-twitching, fiery remains of a human body impaled to a crucifix that has been slammed through the rear window*

HOUSE: "I'd say modern religion needs to stop taking itself so damn seriously."

LISA: "My God--! She is still alive! - She screams! Do you not hear?"

Priest: [crossing self] "May the angels recieve her soul... Lord Belmont, this is a travesty! What must we do?"

HOUSE: "Well if we can all refrain from making any rude 'flaming' comments about this unfortunate cross-dressing victim here, I'd say its a clear case of shutting down, collecting on insurance and relocating, padre."

*Both the priest and Lisa turn to regard the vampire hunter with a mix of horror, shock, and a more than a bit of confusion*

OMAR: Confound it, House! Let's show some respect and help put out the fire while we can!"

LISA: "Have you no soul under that thick, pig-headed skin of yours?"

Priest: "Collect...? Insurance??" [scrathes his head]

*House rolls his eyes towards the heavens*

HOUSE: "Oh please just take me now... Alright look. We are obviously feeling some very intense, very strong feelings about this whole violent blasphemy in the eyes of god -thing we got going on here..."

OMAR: [gritting teeth] "House."

HOUSE: "--So I suggest we all step back, take a deep breath, and clear our heads, maybe visit a nice, sunshine-lit place in our minds--"

OMAR: "- House!"

HOUSE: "...I'm sorry. Omar?"

OMAR: "What about the body!"

*House glances up to eye the charred, smoldering corpse*

HOUSE: "...Well she's an obvious exception in this case. Obviously I wasn't insinuating that she join us in calming down."

OMAR: "HOUSE!!"

LISA: "Oh sweet, merciful God...!"

*she averts her eyes from House*

HOUSE: [sighs] "Alright... Fine."

*he walks up to the cross and begins to violently whack it along its base in an attempt to dislodge it from the window - At which point, Lisa sinks to her knees in shock and the priest claps a hand on his forehead as his jaw drops open completely*

OMAR: "Yaaarrrgh!"

*Omar dashes towards House with his arms raised*

---HOUSE SHALL RETURNETH---
....VERILY

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Awesome...

NEEDS MOAR CHASE! And if House is a Belmont, Chase MUST be a Morris...