Topic: The Ten Commandments of Video Games

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Hear ye, hear ye!  I have traveled from Castlevania to Rapture, I have seen the 7 Wonders of The Video Game World, and I return to you with these 10 Commandments, so that you may know how to be a proper gamer.  And if you think to defy me, I have provided a list of proper punishments to the unfaithful.  (Reminder:  This is all in fun, so please don’t take these seriously.  If so you shall be…dealt with.)

1.  Thou Shall Not Cheat Online:  Nobody likes a cheater.  If you want to pump yourself up with infinite health or unlimited ammo in a single-player game, that is perfectly fine.  Games are about fun, so whatever you need to do to enhance the experience for yourself is OK…but not at the expense of other players fun.  This is a grievous crime.

Punishment:  If found guilty of this heinous crime, you are sentenced to a 1 v 10 Call of Duty match armed only with your knife.  Your enemies are all invisible with unlimited ammo and ever-present spy planes.  Score ten kills to redeem yourself.


2.  Thou Shall Not Be Ashamed Of Being A Gamer:  For there is no shame in being a gamer!  Embrace it!  You are a proud member of a community dating back decades, whose camaraderie is matched only by its fierce competitiveness and ability to take care of our own.  Do not be shamed into turning your console off!  Who cares if everybody else is going to the mall?  You’ve got enemies who (probably) aren’t going to kill themselves. 

Punishment:  There are greater crimes than this, so the punishment shall be tuned to fit the crime.  If found guilty of being shamed as a gamer, you are sentenced to watch your grandmother try to beat Portal…with no input from you.  It didn’t have to be like this.


3.  Thou Shall Remember The Classics:  Don’t be a gamer elitist.  The games we enjoy today are built upon the foundations of our forebears such as Mario, Sonic and Donkey Kong.  If we forget our history, we will be doomed to repeat it…So remember the games that got us to this point, and respect them accordingly.  Nobody wants another Super Pitfall, do they? 

Punishment:  For the crime of not remembering our early titles in the ignorance of youth, it is decreed that you shall be forced to beat The Legend of Zelda with one heart and no guide.  Good luck.


4.  Honor Thy Controller:  Please honor your controller, for it is the gateway to which we can experience these great games.  Do not throw, bang, smash, break or otherwise destroy your controller in a fit of rage.  Your failure is your own fault, not your controllers (unless you’re using Mad Catz).  And for the love of Miyamoto DO NOT pick up a shared controller with greasy hands, for there is no blacker controller sin. 

Punishment:  For disrespecting your controller, you are hereby sentenced to beating every song on Rock Band with a faulty third-party set of instruments…on Expert.  Hope you’ve brushed up on your hammer-ons.


5.  Thou Shall Not Screenwatch:  Look, screenwatching has been a crime since N64.  Why are you still doing it?  A little screenwatching is unavoidable, but when you start blatantly staring at my half of the screen for extended periods of time, we have a problem.  You know who you are, so stop it.  Nobody likes a screenwatcher.

Punishment:  For this dark deed, the punishment shall be as followed:  You must win a match of Rumble Pit in Halo: Reach…with your screen blacked out.   Hint:  Throw grenades. LOTS AND LOTS OF GRENADES.


 6.  Delete Not Other People’s Saves:  It’s bad enough when you do it on accident, but deleting somebody’s saves out of malice:  well, that is akin to murder.  And last I checked, that’s bad.  What makes deleting saves so bad is not the fact that it’s just vile, although it is, but you are deleting somebody’s time.  Time that can’t be gotten back.  Why would you do that to somebody? 

Punishment:  For committing this treacherous deed, you shall be served a vicious punishment.  You must play through the first 10 Final Fantasy games in a place prone to frequent and random power surges…without a memory card.  And you thought Sisyphus had it bad...


7.  Thou Shall Not Rage Quit:  Be a man.  If you’re getting your tail whipped, don’t be a sore loser.  Finish your deathmatch/sports game/party game like a champion, not some sullen little kid who can’t handle losing.  Everybody loses matches, but the rage quitter loses at life.  Which one is more important? 

Punishment:  The rage quitter must win 10 games of Madden in a row, but if they ever get up by more than 1 point, your opponent quits, and you don’t score the win.  May I recommend field goals?


8.  Be Not A Stereotype:  It’s one thing to be a proud gamer, but it is a completely different game when you are the negative gaming stereotype:  lazy, anti-social and probably over-weight.  Us gamers may get a bad rap for being these things, but we know that simply isn’t true…for all of us.  Some of us, however, do feed into that.  So, while playing your games is good, don’t do it at the expense of your mental, social or physical health.  You can be productive and game!  It’s win-win! 

Punishment:  This crime isn’t as bad as some of the other heinous sins, so I'm going Mom and Dad with the punishment:  100 hours of Just Dance before you can pick up another video game.  After about the third violation, you will have learned your lesson.


9.  Respect Thy Games and Thy Consoles:  Games are not coasters or ashtrays.  Don’t treat them like one!  Your console isn’t a smoker or a glutton, so try not to blow your smoke or drop your food on it please.  Trust me:  The amount of time we will be able to play used games is dwindling.  Why ruin it for everybody?

Punishment: For desecrating your games, you are hereby sentenced to playing through the first 3 Metal Gear Solid titles, in their entirety, with discs that have been scratched up by my cat, Mr. Mittens.  And trust me, Mr. Mittens likes his scratching.  Enjoy those cutscenes!


10.  Thou Shall Have Fun:  That’s why we play, right?  Too many people get caught up on prestiging more than the next guy, making sure their win percentage stays at 100 and repeating their opinions or bashing on other’s because they believe they alone are right.  Games are great because different people can pull different things from the same game, and too often we forget that these are GAMES!  Let’s have fun with them people, or leave them alone. 

Punishment:  If you get too serious into your games and forget this cardinal rule, you are sentenced to playing through Dark Souls… with all the bonfires removed.  Not only will you never play another game without respecting it’s fun value, you will likely never play another game again.

[X]

Now those are a set of commandments that I am willing to get behind!

Punishment: For desecrating your games, you are hereby sentenced to playing through the first 3 Metal Gear Solid titles, in their entirety, with discs that have been scratched up by my cat, Mr. Mittens.  And trust me, Mr. Mittens likes his scratching.  Enjoy those cutscenes!

LOL!! Mr. Mittens! Love it! My sister has a cat but calls him Ajax 

[Arma]

Lol very funny, I love it

[JooohnShaft]

Your pretty good,
the same i'd expect from the man with the same codename as the boss...

[VladCT]

There are no truer set of Commandments than this. Sieg Zeon! (I wonder if I got it right... )

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Sieg Zeon! (I wonder if I got it right... )

You did. *pins medal to your shirt*

[Gunlord]

I can get behind these

[GypsyGrifter]

Oh....... Oh gosh.

  There are greater crimes than this, so the punishment shall be tuned to fit the crime.  If found guilty of being shamed as a gamer, you are sentenced to watch your grandmother try to beat Portal…with no input from you.  It didn’t have to be like this.

  For committing this treacherous deed, you shall be served a vicious punishment.  You must play through the first 10 Final Fantasy games in a place prone to frequent and random power surges…without a memory card.  And you thought Sisyphus had it bad...

These two makes me freak out just thinking about them..... Oh jeez, I definitely wouldn't want to have to do either of these. I can't even watch most of my friends play Portal, but my grandma? She tried calling someone with the TV remote once....

[Flame]

My wireless PS2 controller is at it's limit, but only because I've used it so God damn much.