Topic: The Castlevania Pub (aka the AKP, or the C-Pub)

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Two in one night! I'm on a roll!
~~~
*Desmond and Soleyu Belmont walk into a building marked C-Pub.*

Desmond: Are you sure this is the place? They said they were moving to a new place. Check the directions again.

Soleyu: I'm sure this is it. The address matches. Mr. Izzy said it was 666 Moron boulevard. Turn the lights on.

*Desmond goes and flips on the lights, to reveal a massive room full of glass bottles and tables set up everywhere. A few bunsen burners are boiling water, and an acrid stench is about the room.*

: FREEZE! This is the police!

*Swarms of police in SWAT uniforms and helmets storm into the room with machineguns, and Desmond and Soleyu look about ready to wet themselves.

Police: Izzy, you're under arrest!

D/S: We're not...

Police: Can it and get those hands in the air.

D/S: But we're not...

*The police raise their machine guns and the two guys go silent. Desmond and Soleyu are lead to the police cars, both looking like they are about to cry. Soleyu stops for a second...*

Soleyu: MOMMY!!!!

*The police stop, and a stream of curses erupt from underneath their helmets. One policeman whips a ticket up into the air and screams with joy. He whips off his helmet to reveal...*

Juste: Thank the betting gods your are such a wuss, Sol. You just won me about three grand!

*The other people take off their helmets, revealing Issac, Trevor, Richter, Hector, Simon, and Jonathan. They all rip their tickets to pieces and throw them in the air like confetti. The others turn away and shout curses, but Simon walks over to Soleyu and shakes him voilently.*

Juste: Thank you so much for being everything I hoped you would be! Now I can buy that ring for Lydie...HAHAHAHAHA!

*The hunters, except for Desmond and Soleyu, jump into a SWAT van and drive off.*

Soleyu: ...we have to get them back...

Desmond: Yes we do, that's the third time today...

[Mooning Freddy]

Nice pieces. Reminds me of my unfinished CV parody.
Maybe I should post pieces after all...

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Inside the bar, we see Issac sitting at a booth smoking a rather robust cigar. A cell phone rings, and he answers it.*

Issac: Yes, this is "Izzy's Escort Service". How may I procure for you? *Response from the phone* Yes, my girls will do ANYthing. *Another response* ...Well, maybe not that.

*Hector walks up*

Hector: You. Me. Talk. Now.

Issac: *To phone* Can you call me back, I have a pressing matter. *Hangs up* So, what can I do you for, Hector my boy?

Hector: I'm putting a stop to this. Do you have any idea what you're doing to people?!

Issac: Providing a giddy little thrill at a reasonable price?

Hector: Simon actually bankrupted his clan paying for your escorts! He pawned the- Well, his- Vampire Killer to pay for that last Succubus!

Issac: So the man has specific tastes...so to speak. Hee hee.

Hector: And I also hear you've gotten into the drug business.

Issac: Hey, I just sell a few medicinal herbs I grew out in Rosa's garden. Your friends seem to like them.

*Points over at a table where the branch families is getting nice and stoned, complete with laughter and munchies.*

Hector: Why the hell are you doing this?!

Issac: Ya see, there was this guy named Scirocco who was selling some Mechs, and...

*Out the window, we can see a Gundam, complete with spoilers and a shiny new pink paint job.*

Hector: You've gotta be kidding me...

Issac: I even got gold rims.

*Close up of the feet, which are golden.*

Issac: And check out the sound system!

*He presses a button on a keychain and the Gundam's pecs open up, revealing massive speakers that start blaring 50 Cent.*

Hector: ...This is a nightmare...

Issac: Wait a second. *Puts on a fur coat and wide-brimmed hat with a giant feather in the band.* NOW it's a nightmare, right?

Hector: Excuse me, I'm gonna go ask Trevor to kill me now.

*Trevor, as if on cue, walks up to Issac with his Vampire Killer in hand.*

Trevor: How much can I get for this?

Hector: GODDAMNIT!!

[Omegasigma]

lol

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Leon: So, you finally killed those two?

Richter: Well, after I nuked them, I doused them in holy water, put them in iron maidens, shot them with silver bullets, put stakes through their hearts, and had the coffins sealed by Shinto priests and priestesses from at least 10 different anime.

Leon: That ought to do it.

*Soleyu and Desmond walk in the door, none the worse for wear.*

Soleyu: What a weird dream.

Richter: Sonufa...!

*He reaches into Subweapon-space to pull out some impliment of messy death, but Juste stops him.*

Juste: Don't, you'll just get the bar messy.

Leon: Says the guy with the Magic.

Juste: *Hiding the spell books* I have no idea what you're talking about.

*Suddenly, the door bursts open, and Soma runs in.*

Dracula: For christ sake, what is it this time? ...Hm, do you smell something burning?  *Sniff* Oh, it's just me.

Soma: Dear god, HELP ME!

*Dracula's hair bursts into flames as Soma dives under a table*

Dracula: Okay, can the religeous references please stop? Kthx.

Trevor: What the hell's your problem, kid?

Soma: Well...

*Flashback to Yoko Belandes' shop...*

Soma: Hey, Yoko, while I'm waiting for my weapons to be finished, can I ask you a question?

Yoko: Sure, Soma! What's on your mind?

*Soma sighs as Yoko takes a sip of coffee*

Soma: ...Do you really have a tattoo of Dante on your-

*Yoko spits out her coffee, drowning out the rest of Soma's question. The flashback ends.*

Juste: Wait, you actually said that?

Soma: What, I was curious! The succubi always had them when they impersonated her!

Trevor: Well, that explains the Chris Redfield tattoo that fake Sypha had on her-

*Trevor stops himself as Sypha walks past.*

Trevor: Whew... that was close.

Juste: ...Sypha has a tattoo?

Soma: And a Resident Evil tattoo at that. How tasteless.

Trevor: Hey, as far as I know, the tattoo is only on the fake.

Grant: *On the Cieling* Nah, trust me, it's on the real one, too.

Trevor: WHAT!? YOU PEEPING TOM!

Grant: Who asked one of Issac's Succubi to impersonate his girlfriend?

Juste: Which raises the question... Soma, why do the Succubi try to seduce you with Yoko when Mina's your girlfriend?

*Soma shrugs*

Yoko: *From the hallway* SOMA! YOU PEEPING TOM! WHERE ARE YOU!?

Trevor: Oh boy, she's pissed.

Soma: HIDE ME! FOR GOD'S SAKE, HIDE ME!

*Dracula full-on spontaneously combusts*

Dracula: Oh, come ON!

~To Be Continued~

[Omegasigma]

dracula never gets any slack the next thing his dead wives will nag him on untill they discover each other...hmm

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Soma: Oh my god, SHE'S COMING!

Juste: Quick, in here!

*Juste grabs Soma and tosses him into Issac's cellar, slamming the door behind him. Yoko rushes in the second Juste turns around, holding several instruments of messy magical death.*

Yoko: WHerE iS He!?

Alucard: Uh, Yoko, you're foaming from the mouth-

*Yoko glares at Alucard*

Alucard: And you've become scarier than Pyramid Head on Viagra. YEEK! *Dives out window*

Richter: Wow, Girlycard got even girlier.

*Yoko proceeds to walk up to Juste and grab him by the collar.*

Yoko: YoU'Re hIDinG SomEtHIng...

Juste: Uh... Heheh... What are you talking about?

*Yoko growls at Juste.*

Juste:  AH! HE'S IN THE CELLAR! JUST DON'T RIP MY THROAT OUT!!

*Yoko tosses Juste aside like a ragdoll and kicks the cellar door down. She proceed to storm down the stairs.*

Trevor: Woah, who knew she was so strong...

Simon: I feel bad for the kid... Wait, isn't Issac and some of his Succubi down there?

*Meanwhile, Yoko continues to charge down the stares*

Yoko: SOMA, YOU PERVERTED BASTARD! I'M GONNA-

*Yoko sees Issac handing an outfit similar to her own to a Succubus, who's disguised herself as Yoko. To the very last detail.*

Issac: Uh, Hi?

Yoko: ...You...

*Back upstairs, Soma sneaks out the cellar door. Seconds later, Yoko can be heard tearing Issac limb from limb.*

Richter: I take the Girlycard comment back. That woman scares me.

Soma: What has been seen... Cannot be unseen...

[ninjawolf]

Hey, i just wanted to say i kinda stared something like this! Even though yeh i did maybe "Borrow" a couple of jokes, but its an all new plot with a twist! Its called the NEW belmont.

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Well, then, maybe you could bring it into the pub! I've been trying to get other people to post their own skits in here as well...
~~~
*Things are winding down at the C-Pub when an irate, depressed, and insane Desmond staggers in, breathing fire due to all the gasoline and rubbing alcohol he just drank to dull the pain of all the beatings he's been getting over the past few weeks*

Desmond: LOVE MEEE! I AM JESUS!

*The Pub becomes silent as Desmond begins to hit on Soma*

Desmond: Hello liddle girl! I'm Rickter Belmont, do you wanna ride my baloney poney?

Richter: Da hell? Why am I getting the pedo treatment now?

Maria: Let's see, you hang around with 12-year-old girls?

Richter: Who happened to be my sister-in-law. And you grew up, didn't you?

*While Desmond continues to spew out lame pickup lines, the main Belmonts count down to the inevitable without even looking.*

Leon: 5...

Chris: 4...

Trevor: 3...

Juste: 2...

Simon: 1...

*Cut to view outside of the Pub, and a Desmond Belmont shaped fireball goes sailing out of the keep window and slams into a power pole in the neighboring village*

*Alucard and Hector watch as Desmond falls to the ground*

Alucard: The kid's left is getting soft.

Hector: Hmm...should've put him through the next three counties. Oh well.

*...And everyone goes back to whatever they were doing, none noticing the metallic colored liquid seeping towards the half dead wannabe Belmont......*

[ninjawolf]

In Reply To #24

Hmm aright! Even tho the 1st part i entered IS kinda boring boring but im sure it gets funneh from there. BTW your series are the greatest castlevania spoof ive seen

[ninjawolf]

[ninjawolf]

[Mobius]

* * * ELSEWHERE IN THE PUB * * *

*a certain fiery female freakazoid snaps on a pair of black rubber gloves while hovering over a prostrate villager strapped tightly to a rusty old dentist's chair*

MOBIUS: [in a sing-song manner] Open your mouth n' stick out your tongue...

Random Villager: Ahn! Ahhnnn!!

M: And lookout, uvula, HERE AH COME!!

*a door to the cellar bursts open*

K: Mobius. Ah, here you are.

M: *sigh* Yes. Here I am. What do you want, Kreeg?

K: Oh, it's not what I want--

*a familiar voice resonates from the depths of the cellar*

Kregan! You found her yet?

K: [towards the cellar] Yeah. She's up here.

Tell her to march her pale, scrawny, horse-humping ass down here now!

K: Mm-kay... Moby? Lac would like to have a word with you downstairs.

M: Right, right... [removing gloves] Alright then. Take over for me here will ya Frosty?

*stomps off through the door and plunges into a gaping black chasm through the cellar steps*

K: Sure thing. [walks over to the chair] Hm. So... [grins to villager] Ever wondered how it feels to have your spinal fluid chilled?

*Mobius drops down at inhuman speed and slams her heels down into a cavernous pit of blackened igneous rock*

M: Ohhh-kay then... You called, fearless leader?

*a tall figure in black walks slowly around the deep indentation her landing has made*

SULACO: You've been spending a lot of time up there, Mobius. I'm curious about what possible consequences to your impulsive nature might be affecting the mortal plane.

M: In other words, you'd like to know what fun I've been having without you, huh boss?

S: [narrowing eyes] You know that there are certain lines you are not permitted to cross while amongst earthly beings.

M: I know you've been a lot more strict about those lines since you stopped getting mortal nookie up there.

S: Your childish jests beg to tire me, little one.

*crosses directly in front of Moby -- moments later both demons begin ascending upward in a gaping spire of blackness that stretches back directly into the lower depths of the pub*

Until I know for certain that you aren't completely tilting existence into total chaos on the mortal plane, I shall resume keeping closer watch over your actions.

M: Oh goody. Sully the Terrible returns to the land of the living. Ohh there will be much rejoicing.

S: Hush up, Moby the Morbidly Perverse. I'm afraid it won't be so pleasant.

*crosses over towards the villager who has been frozen almost completely from the inside out*

Kregan, release that man.

K: !... Sir, his internal organs are chilled beyond any degree of function--

S: -Now. Get him back to wherever Mobius snatched him from before anyone suspects he's missing.

*heads upstairs with Moby bouncing along close beside him*

M: Heee. You said snatch.

S: Fuck you.

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Sara and Maria are spying on the Belmonts, who have gathered up on the roof. Next to them are several large crates.*

Leon:...So, who goes first?

Simon: Why, me, of course! I'm the most celebrated Belmont of all time!

Trevor: No, I should go! I was the first to kill Dracula!

Richter: I'll go first! I introduced Item Crashes!

Trevor: I CAN ITEM CRASH TOO, BITCH!

Simon: And you needed help getting out of your curse! I broke mine on my own!

Richter: AT LEAST I DON'T LOOK LIKE A WOMAN IN MY CHRONICHLES GAME!

Simon: YOU LITTLE PISSANT!

*Simon and Richter start kicking each other's ass. Trevor shrugs, then decides to join in for the fun of it.*

Juste: Do they always have to do this?

Leon: Jeez... At least their girlfriend survived through their game...

Sara: *Whispering to Maria* I don't like the sound of that...

Maria: *To Sara* Blame IGA. He's sexist.

*Meanwhile, at Konami headquarters, IGA sneezes*

IGA: Woah, I caught a cold the second I thought making another female lead! Better not do that...

*Back on the roof of the Pub...*

Juste: Can't you three settle this in a civilized manner?

*Richter, Simon, and Trevor pause from brawling for a moment.*

Simon: ...What's "Civilized"?

Richter: It's nothing you could do, you crap-in-a-cave brute.

*Simon decks Richter, sending him sprawling*

Juste: Geez... Can't you decide this through, I don't know, Rock Paper Sciccors?

Trevor: No, it takes to long.

Leon: For Christ sake, at least we won't be killing each other.

*Meanwhile, Dracula starts burning again.*

Dracula: *Sigh* I'm gonna need to find some way to stop this...

*Back on the roof*

Leon: There has to be some way we can settle this...

*Maria and Sara jump out of their hiding spot*

M/S: SPIN THE BOTTLE!

*The five Belmonts stare at the girls in shock*

Simon: ...Spin the bottle?

Richter: Wait, THAT'S what you're wondering? God, you are simple!

*Simon decks Richter again*

~~To Be Continued~~

[Omegasigma]

certainly random, but i demand more, lol