Topic: Incapable of feeling empathy?

[Mooning Freddy]

I'm going through another thing and I think I need advice.
My girlfriend said to me once that she thinks I'm incapable of feeling empathy. I don't know if this is true or not. I tried to think about it and didn't know if it's true or not. I can definately say that when a person is distressed, even a friend or a family member, I can very rarely feel what he feels. In many cases I feel nothing at all. I would respond rationally, saying or doing whatever it takes to make the person feel better, but wouldn't "feel" him.

Today, my girlfriend lost a piece of jewlery that I gave her. She took it off in a public place and then forgot about it completely. The jewlery wasn't there when she remembered that she left it.
She felt really distressed about it, and cried, and all I could think of was "she SHOULD feel bad. She would be more responsible about her valuables next time."
Her mom suggested that she pay for a replacement, but I said no because it wouldn't be the same.
My gf thinks that I behaved like a heartless bastard, and maybe I had. It was just like something in me locked up and prevented me from feeling emotion. All I could think of was "she acted irresponsibly with the gift that you gave her. You should be angry. She should feel bad about losing it.It is good that she feels bad".
However, it is only after it happened that I am capable of putting this ego rationing away. This makes me think that I am indeed incapable of feeling empathy when one needs it.

Any advice on the subject?

[theplottwist]

I don't think you need "advice." Your course of action was the most rational one, I believe. No use becoming SO distressed over something that you have no power over. This is something that she must learn to improve on herself. Both her clumsyness, and her overly emotional response to something that can't be reversed.

She was already losing her mind over it, why would you? Of course it was something of sentimental value, but it's still an item. No item in this planet must be placed above the value of your relationship. The item may be lost, but the initial value you put on your relationship (enough for you to buy the jewelry as a sign of appreciation for her) still remains.

So I think you're doing alright. It's not like someone died. PLUS people react differently to different situations. Being overly emotive may be how she responds to something that, for you, seems not worthy of requiring so much stress.

Also, I'd like to point out that you shouldn't let "guilt of not being empathic enough" come to bite you later. This can make you very miserable with enough repeating. Just.... Let yourself react how and when your mind is ready for it. I'm sure you're not a heartless monster.

[X]

Pretty much what theplottwist said. We're only human and making mistakes is part of the deal. Whether or not we acknowledge this fault is up to our own egos. And believe me humanity still has a long way to go with this.

[Mooning Freddy]

This is depressing. She said that nothing could be an excuse for what I did, because I was mean to her when she was crying. Also she doen't understand what is my problem with getting her new jewlery to make her feel better.
I know this might be the right thing to do, but.... I can't. It's killing me. Why should I get her jewlery just to make her feel better after she stupidly lost it? This logic seems so childish I cannot bear it. And is it really worth anything if I'm doing it against my will? It's kinda tearing me apart.

[Gunlord]

I think your GF is behaving childishly, though women (and men, for that matter) get like that sometimes. I don't think you're incapable of feeling empathy, though--if you couldn't feel it at all you wouldn't be feeling bad now, right? So I don't think she's right in that sense, my friend.

[Shiroi Koumori]

If I lost a piece of jewelry that someone gave me, I would feel really sad and cry over it. But since it is my fault then I would not force that person to give me another. If I really wanted a replacement, I'd buy it myself. If not, I'd live without. Like those 18K gold dolphin earrings that were thrown into the trash......

I don't think your reaction is wrong Freddy. And why should you buy something if you're not willing? I agree with prunyuu~'s analysis.

[Mooning Freddy]

In our latest conversation she asked asked why I didn't want to replace the piece she lost and I said that it was an object with sentimental value and that I won't just replace it as if nothing happened. I also said that her mother's attitude annoyed me as being disrespectful to property and gifts and the effort required for aquiring them from the person who gives them. I said that I would like to make her feel better some other way. She said that it sounds like I care about objects more than about people and that the real reason I won't replace it is because I want her to continue feeling bad about losing it, which is essentially being a cruel boyfriend (it is evil to want your loved one to feel bad or want to punish her).

The thing is, she is somewhat right. She has an anti-pain and anti-punishment attitude that I am opposed to. I do think she regrets what happened, but I still don't agree to her argument, that I need to replace the item that she lost to "prove" that I forgive her.

[theplottwist]

In our latest conversation she asked asked why I didn't want to replace the piece she lost and I said that it was an object with sentimental value and that I won't just replace it as if nothing happened. I also said that her mother's attitude annoyed me as being disrespectful to property and gifts and the effort required for aquiring them from the person who gives them. I said that I would like to make her feel better some other way. She said that it sounds like I care about objects more than about people and that the real reason I won't replace it is because I want her to continue feeling bad about losing it, which is essentially being a cruel boyfriend (it is evil to want your loved one to feel bad or want to punish her).

The thing is, she is somewhat right. She has an anti-pain and anti-punishment attitude that I am opposed to. I do think she regrets what happened, but I still don't agree to her argument, that I need to replace the item that she lost to "prove" that I forgive her.

She's playing a mind game with you where you can't win. It's never her fault, it's always yours (even though she was the one to start the whole thing).

I think you'd have fared better being bluntly honest, like "Yes. I want you to suffer over it, because that's the only way you will learn to be more careful with the things I give you."
Also, she says that you're the one who "care about objects more than about people" yet SHE'S the one wanting a new one to replace the last.

That's why I believe she's playing a mind game. And she may not even be consciously doing it 

Here's what I think: Tell her about the value of your relationship, and how conflicts like this - where you're forced to "clean the mess" where she's not required to improve - damages this value. She has to understand that this value is MUCH higher than a lost object, but it can be downgraded if one of the sides recognizes its worth and the other doesn't. Try to make her see that she's banalizing this value by requiring another object to replace the last, as if they were the same.

[Rugal]

Go to grocery store, put 25 cents into one of those machines at the entrance, hope you get a nice green spider ring (bonus points if it glows in the dark), give it to her in replacement.

[X]

Okay I really have to wonder if this girl is the right one for you. With all that you've described about her I don't think she's mature enough to be in a relationship with you (or with anyone for that matter). She is very childish and I don't think she's even grown-up mentally yet. I personally could never be with a person like this as it's just not fair. You definitely don't want someone who's going to play mind games with you. That's a form of manipulation to get you into doing what they want. If she's going to continue to be like this in the future; drop the relationship. It's toxic. A piece of jewelry is nothing more then material substance. And she is placing it higher then you in terms of value. That's not a relationship you should involve yourself in any further. Granted this is something you should only do when there are no more alternatives, but it seems to be heading towards this general direction. Your girlfriend needs to grow up more and if she can't, cut her lose for your own good health.

[zangetsu468]

You're not heartless, you're misunderstood.
Your gf is being materialistic and is LUCKY to have a man who buys her sentimental jewelry.
Any rational person would feel bad for losing it. You're not in the wrong here mate...
If you lost something she bought for you, she'd probably be angry at you.

Reassess your priorities into finding someone who loves you for who you ARE not what you aren't. You owe this to yourself.
If she's not making you happy or doesn't resonate with your inner self, it may be time to move on.

This is only the advice of a stranger talking though, take it with a grain of salt - or Vibhuti (in the spirit of CV)