Topic: I went to my long-abandoned DeviantArt account and... well...

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Sometimes I do stupid things. Like, really stupid. Like, going back to a DeviantArt account I first made in 2006 and hadn’t really done anything on since 2011.

All my stuff is still cleaned out. Well, all my art, poetry, and prose. My journal entries, my comments, and my notes that I once exchanged with a host of friends, many of which I’d known personally at the time (an alien concept to me today, where almost all my friends are exclusively online relationships) are all preserved (up to a point in 2006, anyway) in perfect detail.

Unexpectedly, I found myself combing through years of journals and correspondance. DeviantArt, as it turns out, has done double duty, and also now serves as a time capsule of who I used to be, years before an identity crisis that lasted YEARS and led to a number of personas that all interacted with the world in different ways — even my friends at that time had noticed something was SERIOUSLY UP.

After that identity crisis, I was never quite able to piece back together what had broken so severely. I’m almost fundamentally a different person now compared to then.

Growing up happens — I’m obviously not a teenager anymore. But that’s not all of what happened. What also happened is that I just… I broke, as a person. On every level. It took me 2 years to really become stable, and I never really became functional again *gesticulates wildly at a professional career that hasn’t achieved anything of note since 2008*. I broke, and when I broke, I did it spectacularly.

I bring this up because if I had remembered this account… I don’t think the damage would have been as bad. I at least would have had some sort of record of the person I’d been, going from my teenage years and into my early twenties. I could have looked at that. Analyzed it. Decided what I wanted to do with that information. And maybe, just maybe, I might have been able to put Humpty-Dumpty back together again in a much more cohesive and useful and fuctional fashion.

I regret that I forgot about this time capsule, this treasure trove that has no value to anyone but me.

All the silly-stupid exchanges. All the fanboying. The staying up into the bitter hours of the morning defending Lucrezia’s actions in Final Fantasy VII (yes, this was a thing I did, and yes, I got really into it as only a teenager could) against my friend Duncan’s accusations. (He did not like her. With age comes perspective, and I can really see why now. So Duncan, if you happen to stumble across this for some reason, well, you win you trenchcoated motherfucker. You win.)

I miss all of that, and all the art. I miss producing a never ending font of art, being it drawings, poetry, or prose. I still write, but I’ve since stopped drawing  entirely and I regret that deeply. And even when I write, it’s nowhere as often or as deep. Granted, most of my poetry was emo back in the day, but there a rawness that comes with that formula that could have informed me about who I was even better.

Honestly, I don’t even know if I’m going anywhere with this. I may not actually get to a point at all. But I’ll be looking through my old stuff, all those old correspondences, and looking up the people I used to know there, with most of their accounts being similarly inactive and buried like mine was. I wonder if they have kept their notes and comments too, or if they casually deleted them all, not aware of their potential future value? I for one will be meticulously combing these records though, looking for who I was. Because I miss that person, and while I can never go back to being that person, I can, at the very least, incorporate a little more of that into who I am now.

Thanks for putting up with my slightly emo…. what exactly is this anyway? Moaning? Bellyaching? Existential rambling? Thanks for reading, and putting up with my slightly emo whatever-the-hell-this-is.

Keep being cool.

[zangetsu468]

I think I understand that part of what it's like to look back at a digital artefact and see some form or semblance of your former self. Those contain memories and moments and mean nothing to anyone else the way they do to their creator.

You may feel like part of you hasn't developed since year X, but you have to remember that other parts of your "self" do develop in time, even if one aspect of that goes on the backburner. Here's the thing also, objectively there's no fair or unfair, there's no right way or path you were supposed to take. There's is cause and effect, actions lead to other actions and we make the best of what we can with what we have. Even an accomplished career person can feel like they have to sacrifice a lot for what they strive to achieve.

In the end, life is about choices but sometimes those choices involve doing what has to be done, sometimes that means sacrificing something else in order to achieve or come out of something. I'd argue that sacrifices are made every day; one sacrifices family time to be at work, some sacrifice work to go to the gym, others sacrifice financial gain for interests, while others focus on solving dire life issues and sacrifice everything else.

Are you okay, BA?

[Lumi Kløvstad]

On the whole, it's been a decade since I would have honestly described myself as "okay". My post-High school life has been a trainwreck wherein I've not been able to hold down paying employment, haven't been able to finish any projects be they passion or professional, and I've ended up on Government assistance for all my major financial income, which my vastly over engorged sense of pride despises, and other than that I'm 28 and still living with my parents and totally dependent on them. Generally, I rock at not being dead but I suck at living.

But I still say "oh, I'm fine" when most people ask because frankly, society and people get tired of the honest answer really quickly.

But I am not okay, and my current rate and direction, I doubt I ever will be with all the catching up I have to do.

Probably a little more honest an answer than you were looking for.

I'm fine.

[Lelygax]

On the whole, it's been a decade since I would have honestly described myself as "okay". My post-High school life has been a trainwreck wherein I've not been able to hold down paying employment, haven't been able to finish any projects be they passion or professional, and I've ended up on Government assistance for all my major financial income, which my vastly over engorged sense of pride despises, and other than that I'm 28 and still living with my parents and totally dependent on them. Generally, I rock at not being dead but I suck at living.

But I still say "oh, I'm fine" when most people ask because frankly, society and people get tired of the honest answer really quickly.

But I am not okay, and my current rate and direction, I doubt I ever will be with all the catching up I have to do.

Probably a little more honest an answer than you were looking for.

I'm fine.

Remember that time where you acted like a viking and preached about norse gods? Good times...
It was almost at the time I joined this place, I was having hard times in my personal life and you guys helped me to keep up with it. I noticed that you changed nicknames and profile pics from time to time and sometimes it was really hard to track you on the forums (LumiRockets is the nickname I remember more)

The thing is: I still feel the same broken person and this maybe never will change.
So maybe its not how we are now and more like what we can do to still act as an functional person even with our failures. Nobody is equal, everyone is different. Life is constantly changing ourselves and things around us.

Sometimes I also search for some old file and it all starts coming back to me, sometimes its good to re-evaluate myself, but at the same time its so painful that I try to stay away.

Maybe you can't go back and do all these things again, so why not try to do new things inspired by the older ones now?

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Remember that time where you acted like a viking and preached about norse gods? Good times...
It was almost at the time I joined this place, I was having hard times in my personal life and you guys helped me to keep up with it. I noticed that you changed nicknames and profile pics from time to time and sometimes it was really hard to track you on the forums (LumiRockets is the nickname I remember more)

The thing is: I still feel the same broken person and this maybe never will change.
So maybe its not how we are now and more like what we can do to still act as an functional person even with our failures. Nobody is equal, everyone is different. Life is constantly changing ourselves and things around us.

Sometimes I also search for some old file and it all starts coming back to me, sometimes its good to re-evaluate myself, but at the same time its so painful that I try to stay away.

Maybe you can't go back and do all these things again, so why not try to do new things inspired by the older ones now?

"It's no use going back to yesterday because I was a different person then." ~Lewis Carroll

One of my favorite quotations for a reason. It's particularly apt in my case though, I really was five or six different people (some were particularly unpleasant) in a span of about two years as a result of my breakdown, which is where Lumi became far more to me than just an online moniker. Lumi was the name of the (female) persona who seemed to embody my friendliest, most supportive, and most fun-loving traits and kind of led the charge in the healing process. I've since identified as Lumi nearly exclusively online ever since, when before it was just sort of an off-and-on thing, mostly reserved for my interactions on IMVU. Because in lieu of a doctor who specialized in that kind of situation (which I didn't have access to at the time), Lumi was the best caregiver I could have asked for -- I'd probably be in prison or a psyche ward without her working 24/7 to piece all of my broken bits back together as best she could.

If I could go back to being any of the people I've been over my life, I would be her again without a moment's hesitation.

Sadly, that kind of all-loving-hero self is generally only fully achievable in that kind of broken state. But still I try (however flawed my efforts and results) anyway, because if nothing else, I now see her as the ideal model I should aspire to become.

It's like that oft-shared quotation:

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

[EDIT]
"Used to" preach about the Norse gods? Bro, I still do that. Just mostly on my blog these days. XD

[Dracula9]

>implying preaching those motherfuckers is ever a bad thing

WE HAVE A DRUNKEN MANLY MAN MACHO LIGHTNING GOD MURDERING EQUALLY DRUNK GIANTS WITH HIS STOLEN MAGIC HAMMER IN A WEDDING DRESS AND BRIDAL JEWELRY

AND WE HAVE A GOD GETTING KNOCKED UP BY A MAGIC WALL-BUILDING HORSE AND GIVING BIRTH TO AN EQUALLY MAGIC HORSE AND HIS DAD JUST GOES "YEP I'MMA RIDE THAT SON OF A BITCH INTO BATTLE"

THIS SHIT NEEDS PREACHING

nobody tell trump about the magic wall-building horse

[Lelygax]

>implying Implications

[zangetsu468]

On the whole, it's been a decade since I would have honestly described myself as "okay". My post-High school life has been a trainwreck wherein I've not been able to hold down paying employment, haven't been able to finish any projects be they passion or professional, and I've ended up on Government assistance for all my major financial income, which my vastly over engorged sense of pride despises, and other than that I'm 28 and still living with my parents and totally dependent on them. Generally, I rock at not being dead but I suck at living.

But I still say "oh, I'm fine" when most people ask because frankly, society and people get tired of the honest answer really quickly.

But I am not okay, and my current rate and direction, I doubt I ever will be with all the catching up I have to do.

Probably a little more honest an answer than you were looking for.

I'm fine.

I would leave the "I'm fine" out, and it definitely wasn't the answer I was looking for.

I find ugly truths more attractive than gross misrepresentations, but I can empathise as to why you'd say that to people you bump into. The truth is they don't really care how you are if they're not a consistent part of your life.

I think that some of us fall on hard times after school because so many things continue to change in facets where we've been used to a constant.

Also BA, that thing about catching up in life, I was behind, wayyyy behind. I chose a long degree and finished Uni at 26, I didn't start a proper career until I was 27 years old. At this time a close person in my life was suffering from a terminal disease, and I found it very hard to work in a sense I could focus on career. Fast forward a few years, I own my own place which I've had for 3 years, married and just landed the type of job I've been dreaming of for a while, that I could never catch a break chasing. I'm in my mid-30's now. (I usually keep my cards close to my chest and don't give any slightest bit of info out about myself, but I think I'm an example that things can turn around, so long as there's will involved. I'm aware that everyone's situation is not the same, but it can help knowing that if you fight hard enough you can always find something worth fighting for at the end of it.)

[Mooning Freddy]

I think many of us here are in similar situations. I'm soon 28 but I really haven't started a career yet. I'm about to finish an MA at a fancy college but what I studied is not exactly in strong demand. I worked several jobs that gave me good experience but I'm somewhat scared I won't be able to make that leap from an entry-level job to a "real job" as I've never done it yet.
I know now that I'm more enlightened than most, but my knowledge isn't exactly money-making.
And I've gone through war. Twice, in fact, and I'm not happy with everything that happened there, but I did what I had to do.
Several times this year, unexpected things happened that nearly drove me insane. But I laughed about it and carried on. Then things improved.
I laugh at things that I shouldn't laugh at. That keeps me alive. Then I gather energy and carry on. I'm still quite insecure. Despite the fact that I was highly praised at any job that I did, despite having a family and girlfriend that love me and are willing to sacrifice for me.
We must be reborn from the ashes.

[zangetsu468]

Let me ask you something BA, what is it do you believe that you're looking for in this post? (If anything)

If I was a betting man I'd say you're trying to get closure to one part of your life in a time where things were simpler and more laid out for you.

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Let me ask you something BA, what is it do you believe that you're looking for in this post? (If anything)

If I was a betting man I'd say you're trying to get closure to one part of your life in a time where things were simpler and more laid out for you.

Honestly, I'm not entirely certain.

I think it's mostly clearing the air, exhaling heavily, relief to finally be talking about it all, etc.

It's definitely felt relieving to know that others sort of know what I'm talking about with it -- not feeling alone is by itself a huge plus. At some point, I'll make a related thread on a similar topic, but not right now as this thread alone makes things gloomy enough imo.

[zangetsu468]

Honestly, I'm not entirely certain.

I think it's mostly clearing the air, exhaling heavily, relief to finally be talking about it all, etc.

It's definitely felt relieving to know that others sort of know what I'm talking about with it -- not feeling alone is by itself a huge plus. At some point, I'll make a related thread on a similar topic, but not right now as this thread alone makes things gloomy enough imo.

Hang in there mate. There's light at the end.

[Shiroi Koumori]

A lot of folks here are already way past their teenage years, so whenever you feel that you are down, people here will help you out.
Remember, things will get better.

[Mooning Freddy]

Didn't want to start a new topic about this, but just remembered one of my own fuck-ups.

Movies about teenagers often depress me.
I don't know whether anybody else experienced it, but it's this odd reaction these films take out of me.
I can watch many types of films: about war, about tragedies, but they often don't invoke emotions as strong in me as teenage movies.
I almost cried after watching Breakfast Club.
Why do teenage movies depress me more than any other movies?

Well, I suppose to me it sort of feels like I never was a teenager. My teenage years were dull and I never had good friends. I never embarked on teenage adventures or experienced many of the anxieties that the teenagers in those movies have. I was never in a relationship before my twenties. I was most often bored or annoyed by my classmates. Furthermore, many of my friends I didn't REALLY like.
Now things have changed and I have many things I hadn't when I was a teen. I know that I changed a lot.
But this gap in my heart remains and I often feel like I somehow missed this period in life which is supposed to be magical and that people remember with a smile. Furthermore, I feel that I missed out now much more strongly than I had in my teenage years. I want to slap 15 year old me on the face and tell him: go out and discover! Go out and have experiences!
But I was so lost in my teenage years. I didn't know what I want, so I never even bothered looking.
When discussing my childhood with my gf, I have almost nothing to tell her. It's not that the child in me is dead; it's more like there never was a child in me.

[beingthehero]

It's like that oft-shared quotation:

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”