Topic: The Castlevania Pub (aka the AKP, or the C-Pub)

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Later, on the beach of the Kalidus Channel, several wagons (And one Hummer) pull up along the beachline. Almost as soon as they come to a stop, Castlevania caracters begin pouring out.*

Richter: All right, Party time!

Soleyu: ROLL OUT THE KEGS!

*Dead silence. After a few seconds, Simon and Trevor grab Soleyu and throw him head first into the van, then Trevor slams the door in Soleyu's face*

Nathan: Will that really hold him?

Trevor: The boy's too stupid to figure out how to open a normal door, let alone a car door.

Nathan: Ah, touche.

*While Trevor and Simon had been taking care of Soleyu, a game of Beach volleyball had started up. Simultaneously, Soma, Jonathan, and Cornell were busy throwing together a makeshift stage for something...*

Soma: Alright, lets run through the checklist... Stage?

Jonathan: *Motions to the stage* Check.

Soma: Cameras?

*Marcel pops up from behind the stage with his camera in hand*

Marcel: Check!

Soma: Whipped Cream?

*Cornell pops open a nearby crate, revealing several dozen cans of whipped cream.*

Soma: Boys, I think we're just about redy to get this thing started.

*Off to the side, Christopher is shaking his head, hand on forehead.*

Chris: ...Teenagers...

Marcel: Teenagers? I'm 38!

Soma: Holy shit, you're 38? And how old is George, 45?

Marcel: ...He's younger than me...

*Meanwhile, a few hundred yards down the beach, Brauner and a very pissed off barlow are dragging along a large object covered in a tarp*

Barlowe: DAMN THOSE BELMONTS! THAT'S THE EIGHTH TIME THEY'VE PUT A FLAMING BAG OF MANUER ON MY PRCH STEP!

Brauner: And the eighth time you've fallen for it, too...

Barlowe: IT WAS ON FIRE! What, do you expect me to let it burn down my house!?

Brauner: There IS this thing called water...

Baarlowe: I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON THOSE IMMATURE BRATS TODAY!

*Barlowe yanks the tarp off the object, revealing it to be a massive Watermelon slingshot*

Brauner: ...You've got to be kidding me...

Barlowe: What? I'm not gonna kill then over a prank.

Brauner: It didn't sound that way a few minutes ago...

Barlowe: ...Shut up and help me load this thing...

*Back over with the heroes, Juste, Maxim, Albus, and Richter are playing agame of beach volleyball against Maria, Lydie, Sara, and Sonia. And losing horribly.*

Leon: *Sitting in the Lifeguard's chair as if it were a Ref's chair at a tennis match* FIFTY-LOVE! NEXT POINT FOR THE GIRLS WINS!

*Richter serves the ball, but just as it's about to get over the net, Maria and Sonia swat it down with a spike directly into Richter's face. The force of the blow sends him flying/sprawling back several yards.*

Maria: HAHA! WE WON!

Sonia: HA! So much for Cannon!

Juste/Maxim/Albus: We lost... to a bunch of girls...

Richter: *Struggling to get back up* Damnit, that was a foul! shot! It hit my face, not the ground!

Leon: Sorry, mate, it bounced off and hit the ground on your side. In bounds.

Richter: Aw, COME ON-!

*Suddenly, Richter gets nailed in the back of the head with a high-velocity watermelon, sending him flying/sprawling into the net*

Simon: Jesus Christ, what the hell was that!?

Hamner: TAKE COVAH!

*Everyone immediately dives aside as Hamner whips out a MASSIVE Spud Gun and fires several shots back towards the attackers*

*Back with Barlowe and Brauner...*

Barlowe: AHA! DID YOU SEE THAT!? TAKE THAT, YOU DAMN BRATS!

Brauner: Arn't most of them in their 20's-?

*Suddenly, a massive green blur nails Brauner in the chest, launching him into the air in a manner reminiscent of The Forgotten*

Barlowe: OH MY GOD WHAT WAS THA-!

*Two more green blurs fly by, nailing Barlowe in the face and the jewels respectively, launching him across the beach twice as fast as Brauner. Meanwhile, back with the "heroes", everyone stares at Hamner in shock.*

Julius: ...Hamner, what the hell are you firing?

Hamner: It's my personal Watermelon Launcher. I always bring one to beach parties.

Leon: I hope you realize how extremely wierd that is.

Hamner: What's so wierd about it? Havn't you ever had a watermelon fight?

*The others just start shaking their heads and walking away, one by one.*

[ninjawolf]

Meantime, miles away from the beach..

Dracula:*From behind a closed door* Are your sure this is okay?

Annette:Yeah I'm sure you'll look great!

Dracula: ~Gulp~ Okay here goes!

*Dracula opens the door to reveal in a stunning swim suit that's fits for his women disguise*

Annette: Oh my gosh! That looks wonderful!!! Um uh....

Dracula: Oh you can call me...Cula...(Yeah that should work)

Annette: *Looks at Dracula in a suspicious manner* (Ive herd that name...Oh well. More Whip Cream for me!) Nice to have your name!

Now back the the uber-cool spring break beach partah!

Soleiyu: *Screaming from inside the hummer, with a sort of muffled voice with the windows up and doors closed* GODAMMIT LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Chris: Uh...Should i really?

Trevor: Nah..Ive herd someone left a little fun device in there with him.

Richter: Oh crap you don't mean-

Soleiyu: AHHHH PLEASE I SEE IT!!!! OH GOD, ITS TOO MUCH PLEASE- LET ME OUT OF HERE!! AHHHHHHHHHHCKKKK!!!!!

Chris: ~Facepalm~ Oh god...I forgot hes deathly afraid of GPS voices...

From inside the hummer

GPS: *With the basic accent girl voice, Repeating the same line's every 10 seconds* You are now at the designated area. Choose your next Destination.

Soleiyu: PLEASE OH GOD MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!!!!!

Trevor: Ehehehe...This is so much funnier then the "Poop shoe"

Soleiyu: *Hears that* (Oh for the love of-) IT WAS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!

Richter: ~Sigh~ Who put that in there in the first place?

From the beach line watching the whole Hummer issue

Eric: That'll teach that bastard not to use my staff as a marshmallow stick.

John: ~Shudders~ So cruel...

Eric: No, what's cruel is making me pose as a damn "Indiana Jones", kind of ghost!

Charlotte: You did give us good quests...

Eric:BUT WAS THE FEODORA NECESSARY?!?!

Meantime in the future

Aeon: Ahh okay! So! What am i suppose to find out here

Genya: I believe im suppose to tell you the plot of the Dracula scheme here..

Aeon: Does it involve any type of blue neon penis?

Genya: What? Where does that-

Aeon: Watchmen...Dosent do any good to the brain... ~shudders~

[Mobius]

*adjusts leather tanktop and fluffs hair a tad as post begins*

MOBIUS: *ahem* Evening chilluns! How ya'll doin on this fine spring day? Your friendly hellspawn next door Moby here, and I'm happy to present a C-pub special for the boys out there. Not to mention my lovely spring-lovin' girlfriends as well, wazzup bitchahhhs! Wooo! Alright now, put your hands together for the Mobius Main Event brought to you by Good Vibrations - the maker of the world's best xtra wide condoms! (really) I give you the classic eptiome of girls gone wild... - Bikini mud wrestling!! YEEAAAHHHH!!

*claps and swings arms theatrically toward a large, circular, inflatable pool filled with what looks like refried beans*

*as attention focuses on the girls sploshing, slipping and twisting about in the brown stuff, it quickly becomes apparent that something is very clearly not quite right about this*

MOBY: In the ring, to start us off on this fine day, we have Lydie Erlanger facing off against Mina Hakuba! They are slugging it out to see who truly is the most diserving of the title "Most Useless CV Side Character Evar!" Let's give it up for Lydie and Mina! WOOOO!!

*all around Moby's warped sideshow the gathered male onlookers stand with their eyes and mouths agape in the most shocked ways*

TREVOR: Good God...

SIMON: Dear Christ...

ALUCARD: Sweet mother...

CHRISTOPHER: That ain't right.

LEON: That's so wrong...!

RICHTER: Man, this is some whack sh**, yo.

MOBY: Yes, my filthy and depraved Japano-born bishy boyz! Eat it up! You know it's what you want! Come on, America, let's hear it for rampagin' Asian sleaze! Woo-Hooo!

* * * ELSEWHERE IN DIMENSIONS LESS SUNNY * * *

KREGAN: Damn...

SULACO: ....

*sits staring at the monitor completely frozen*

KREG: So, uh... Where do you suppose the kid is? Wasn't she supposed to be watching Moby?

MOBY: [on-screen] "Lap it up, kids! We've got plenty more bouts coming up in a mud-soaked battle royale of underage fury! And stay tuned to see who will be left standing to face the number one pint-sized contender in all of hell! The Masked Munchkin, AKERO-O-O-O-ON!!"

*sweeps a hand toward a platform where the short, slender figure of Aki stands stifly garbed in a strange one-piece swimsuit of what looks like black lizard scales and a cheesy superhero mask*

AKERON: "Thank you, Miss Mobius. I am watching you closely."

KREG: O_O umm.... wow.

*turns cautiously toward Sulaco*

KREGAN: So ahh... Should we be doing something here?

LAC: ...Hell yeah.

*stands up slowly - - menacingly - - world-threateningly even!*

LAC: - We're gonna' need to get some beers. I've gotta see that final match.

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Meanwhile, off to the side...*

Nathan: There's something horribly wrong about this whole thing, but I can't put my finger on it...

Hugh: Oh, come on, it's just a bit of- IS THAT LAURA!?

Nathan: Huh? Oh, yeah.

Hugh: ...You're indifference scares me...

Nathan: Why do you think I didn't help Soma with his whipped cream bikini contest?

Hugh: Oh... Speaking of which, where is he?

*The two watch as a barrel starts to slide by, MGS Box style. The barrel stops sliding for a second as a REALLY PISSED OFF Shanoa storms through and looks around.*

Shanoa: Hey, you two. Have you seen Soma?

Nathan: Nope.

Shanoa: Damn... When I find that little creep, I'm gonna...

*Shanoa goes off on a rant that would make Mr. T's ears bleed and the Terminator wet his pants. The barrel starts shaking violently, but immediately ceases movement when Shanoa turns around to see why Nathan and Hugh had been staring at it.*

Hugh: Out of curiosity, what did he do?

*Shanoa simply pulls out a can of Reddi whip*

Hugh: That's not that bad...

Shanoa: He tried licking it off.

Hugh: Oh.

Nathan: We'll call for you if we find him.

*Shanoa nods and walks off. Once the two are certain she's a safe distance away, Nathan gets up and picks up the barrel and reveals a literally scared shitless Soma Cruz.*

Nathan: I told you, if you're gonna do something that stupid, go for Carmilla. At least she'd enjoy it.

Soma: You asshole, you never said ANYTHING about that!

Hugh: How would you even know that anyways?

Nathan: I'm John Tucker.

Soma: Never mind that! Hide me, quick!

Nathan: Why? Shanoa already left.

Soma: You think she's the only one? The other three are busy pounding away at Marcel, Jonathan, and Cornell!

*Nathan and Hugh look at eachother in shock*

Soma: ...What's with that look?

Nathan: Sorry buddy, but if Cornell's getting his ass kicked, we don't want to be part of it.

*Before Soma can get up to run, Hugh shouts towards the door Shanoa left through*

Hugh: HEY! WE FOUND SOMA!

*As if on cue, Shanoa, Maria, Sypha, and Sonia burst through the door*

Sonia: GET HIM

Soma: YOU TWO TRAITOROUS BAST-

*Soma is immediately hit by a massive barrage of spells, throwing knives, arrows, and birds that would be expected from a Touhou game, and is propelled clear across the studio, sprawling every which way*

Hugh: Huh... those spasms remind me of those "Get Down" meme videos on Youtube...

*Meanwhile, Leon's pounding his head into the wall because of the use of meme jokes in this skit*

[Omegasigma]

As if the story didn't have enough continuity errors, lets add some more!

Kid draucla is sitting in the sand making a Castle by himself. "Grown ups sure are weird"

The Castle is soon smashed by a wrickled old man wearing a purple pope get up.

Shaft: Scram kid...
KD: i dun wanna.
Shaft: hey KD, kraft dinner?
KD: no my papa's name is dracula, I'm kid Dracula.
Shaft: Right...(this kid must be alucard before he got smart)

Dracula appears as a male in his judgement garb Behind shaft

Dracula: are you certain this is the correct timeline this time shaft? I will not have any more excuses...is this even the right continuity for that fact...

Dracula sees Cula and slowly turns to shaft.

Dracula: this has suddenly been an awkward experience...Now son, dont ever change.
Kd: I wont papa...
Dracula: (i'd rather him be straight then gay..) oh a bikini contest, shaft popcorn, NOW!
Shaft: sir, thats just more disturbing, your like 900 years old.

dracula shoots shaft a stern look with murder in his eyes.
Shaft sighs.
Shaft: at once my lord.

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Suddenly, Richter, Simon, Juste, Leon, Chris, Trevor, and Julius all surround Dracula, Posing as if they had just jumped out of an episode of Fist of the North Star*

R/S/J/L/C/T/J: DRACULAAAAAAAAA!!

Dracula: *In shock* ...Mommy...

*The seven Belmonts move towards Dracula, who starts cowering in fear, and each slam an empty mug down on the table*

R/S/J/L/C/T/J: FILL 'ER UP!

Dracula: ...What? I'm not-

*The seven glare at Dracula evilly*

Drac: ...Yes sir. Would you like Budweiser or Miller?

*Meanwhile, over at one of the booths, Soma, Marcel, Jonathan, and Cornell are using their drinks to dress their new wounds. Soma has a cas on both legs, Marcel has a cast on one arm and a neck brace, Jonathan is wearing an eyepatch and a back brace, and Cornell is virtually unscathed except for a gash across his cheek*

Marcel: ...I can't feel my toes...

Soma: At least they're intact. I'm not gonna be walking again for months.

Jonathan: Yeah, well that should heal. I lost an eye. I won't be able to heal that over.

Soma: Yeah, well, at least we can talk and eat and drink. Cornell can't even do that with his jaw wired shut, now can he?

*Cornell simply gives Soma the bird*

Jonathan: Well, I have to say, though, I can make the most out of my injury. Everyone knows that Eyepatches increase your awesomeness tenfold.

Marcel: ...Nah, sorry, bud. You're no Harlock.

Soma: Heheh... "GARathan."

Jonathan: Oh, shut up. I look cooler than "GARph"-

*Jonathan gets nailed in the side by a knife, knocking him off the booth bench.*

Trevor: NO ONE uses my crappy Japanese name. Especially as part of a dumbass meme joke.

Marcel: Ya know, these injuries definitely were worth it just for this moment.

*Soma and Cornell nod and chuckle in agreement*

Jonathan: Oh, fuck you.

*Sera walks by, stops, and yanks the Vampire Killer off Jonathan's belt*

Sera: No perverts are allowed to wield me!

Soma: You do realize that Nathan is a massive voyeur, right?

*Sera goes to say something, and instead does a full 180 and heads off to the back room.*

Marcel: Is that even true?

Soma: Probably not, but that bastard deserves it for ratting me out.