Topic: The Castlevania Pub (aka the AKP, or the C-Pub)

[Battler Ushiromiya]

~Transylvania, in a time rift~

*Dracula is pacing back and forth across his throne room after another humiliating defeat at the hands of one of the Belmonts.*

Dracula: Damnit, I'm getting sick of these Belmonts and their constant attacks. Can't I get five feet from my coffin without getting whipped back in?

*Dracula grabs a bottle off the table and sits down on his throne, fidgitting with the bottle.*

Dracula: Even when I went through all the trouble of being covert, they were still there to cause me hell through that damn Morris family. Bloody branch families... There has to be some way to be resurrected without those damn Belmonts barging in here and-

*Dracula immediately stops fidgitting and looks down at the bottle, realizing it was a bottle of wine left behind by the first Morris and his crew years before. Dracula sets the bottle down on a nearby table and slumps back onto his throne.*

Dracula: ...DEATH!

*Almost immediately, the Grim Reaper pokes his head into the room.*

GR: Yeeeeeeeeeeees?

Dracula: Go down to the Celler and grab all the alcohol we've got and bring it back up here. I've got an idea...

~~~

Richter: *Huff* *Huff* We're... Almost... To The... Castle...

Maria: What happened to you?

Richter: Mind control... doesn't do... body good...

Maria: Yeah, yeah, I can't believe you let that happen...

Richter: Hey... I'm still better... than Soleyu...

Maria: Whatever. Let's just get this over with?

*Richter nods and pushes the door to Dracula's castle.*

Richter: Dracula, we're here to-

*The two realize that the entire interior of the Castle has been turned into a Pub, complete with a full liquer bar, tended to by none other than Dracula himself. Maria's jaw practically falls off her face and Richter falls flat on his face.*

Dracula: What, the Bartender outfit really look that ridiculous?

Richter: *Pulling himself off the ground* WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL, DRACULA!?

Dracula: Why, run a legitimate business for once, of course. Are you really going to attack me when I'm just trying to run a business?

Richter: Business? You're a VAMPIRE! That should be reason enough to go after you! Isn't that right, Maria?

*Richter turns to Maria to find she's no longer standing beside him. Rather, she's already sitting at the bar.*

Maria: Martini, Please!

Richter: TRAITOR!

*Dracula slides Maria her Martini, which she immediately begins drinking*

Dracula: See? Legitimate business! You still want to go after me?

Richter: ...I'll let you go for now.

Dracula: Alright, then-

*Richter suddenly gets right up in Dracula's face*

Richter: -But I'm gonna find out what you're up t, and when I do, I'll lash you to your coffin and toss you in your own moat!

Dracula: You do that. You and all the others.

*Dracula jabs his thumb at a table across the room, at which sit Leon, Trevor, Simon, Juste, and Julius, all apparently pouting about not getting the chance to fight Dracula. At the next table over, Sypha, Grant, Maxim, Lydie, and Sara are all getting smashed drunk.*

Richter: ...How the hell are they all here?

Dracula: Oh, I got Aeon to perform a little favor for me. The Morris and Lecarde families should be getting here any time now.

Richter: ...Just what the hell are you planning?

Dracula: Oh, my plan's already worked.

Richter: What?

Dracula: Nothing, nothing. Now what was your order again?

[Omegasigma]

LOL hes certainly got the upper hand this time

[ninjawolf]

AHAHAHAHHAA...Very impressive! Made me laugh like 20x throughout the whole story..great story by the way

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Hey, hey, hey! Dn't talk like this was a one-shot fic! This one's gonna keep on coming!

~~~

*Over at the Belmont table...*

Richter: That's IT! I've had it with being called the crapiest Belmont! I can kick your asses any day!

Simon: You insolent brat! I've killed Dracula twice, the first time completely decapitating him with the whip!

Trevor: You think you're even a challenge for me? I'm the one who created the Item Crash, bitch!

*Desmond walks by, completely oblivious to what's going on*

Desmond: Hey, you guys need anyone to star in the next game...?

R/S/T: ...KILL!!

Desmond: Mommy!

*While Richter, Simon, and Trevor proceed to disembowl Desmond, Maxim, Juste, and Grant are all sitting around doing shots.*

Grant: *GULP* HA HA, that makes twelve *hic* your up Maxim.

Maxim: *GULP* Whoooooooaaa! I can see things moving, man!

Juste: My turn, I'll beat you yet Grant DaNasty! *GULP*

Grant: *GULP* You'll never beat the best, Hunter! Your up.....Uhhh, Maxim?

*Maxim is passed out on the floor in a puddle of drool and cheap vodka*

Grant: Well I guess he's out. Just you and me, Hunter!

Juste: Fine by me. *GULP* That's thirteen!

*Two hours later*

J/G: *Swayibng back and forth* Fer he's a jolly good fellow, fer he's a jolly good fellow, fer he's a jolly good fellow, that nobodeh can denay!

*Both knock back another shot glass*

Grant: What number was that?

Juste: Eighty... six?

Grant: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Lydie: Arn't you two done drinking yet?

Grant: Are Trevor, Simon, and Richter done with Desmond yet?

Lydie: Well, no-

Juste: Did Maxim wake up?

Lydie: No, but-

J/G: BARTEND! MORE SHOTS!

Dracula: Coming right up!

[Omegasigma]

the plot thickens, lol, either way i wonder if death or aeon are effected by booze :p

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*Once again, the door swings open, and John Morris and Eric Lecarde dash in*

John: DRACULA! WE'RE HERE TO-

Richter: -Defeat you, blah blah blah, can't attack someone who hasn't done anything, blah blah blah, words as empty as soul... We've already gone through

this.

Leon: Five times. Let's just skip it for once.

John: But I wanted a fight... T_T

Eric: Booze beats fight. Bartender! Get me all the Bacardi you've got!

Dracula: Coming right up!

*As Dracula pulls out a bottle of Bacardi and starts pouring, Eric and John look at each other in confusion*

Eric: ...Is that...

John: Yup.

Eric: And is he...

John: Looks that way.

Eric: ...Wierd...

Simon: You'll get used to it.

*Meanwhile, down in the cellar...*

Maxim: Augh, my head... wait, where are my clothes?

*Maxim had been stripped and tied to a support beam in the Basement, along with Desmond. Apparently, someone decided to rob the two while they were

unconcious.*

Maxim: WHAT THE HELL!?

Maria: *From half way up the stairs* Shit, They're awake!

Sara: *Also halfway up the stairs* No way! I thought Maxim was smashed!

Maxim: DAMNIT, GET BACK HERE WITH MY STUFF!

*Back upstairs...*

*Jonathan Morris and Charlotte Aulin burst in*

Jonathan: Dracula! We're here to- Is that a bottle of Sam Adams? Hey, pour me a glass!

Charlotte: Wait, what? Traitor!

Simon: Well, gee, that was quick.

Dracula: Can someone come in without breaking the door down for a change?

[Omegasigma]

lol are they even legal age? on second thought, things may get more interesting

[Shinobi]

Wahahaha! I LOL'd! It makes my day!

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Ya know, you can go ahead and post your own skits at any time. Go ahead, post a funny. Be my guest.
~~~
*Once again, the Pub doors slam open. This time, Christopher Belmont dashes in.*

Chris: DRACULA! WHERE IS SOLEYU!?

Dracula: How the hell should I know? This is a Pub, not a daycare.

Chris: But... You kidnapped him before...

Dracula: And I let him go, too. What, you really think he broke free because you saved him? The little brat whined

nonstop, even WHILE under mind control.

Richter: Then how did I break free?

Dracula: Simple. I have a son to be proud of, even if he's a rebellious prick.

*Meanwhile, Alucard sneezes*

Alucard: Huh, I didn't know I could catch a cold...

*Back at the pub*

Chris: Well, if he isn't with you, then where is he?

*Almost as if on cue, Soleyu rushes into the pub, covered head to toe in Bible pages.*

Soleyu: DRACULA! I'M HERE TO DEFEAT- Oh, hi dad.

Chris: ...What are you doing here?

*Soleyu opens his mouth*

Chris: Don't answer that, it's obvious.

Trevor: Hey, kid, you do realize that taping pages of the Bible all over your body won't protect you, right?

Soleyu: They won't?

Trevor: ...I'm ashamed to be related to you.

Simon: He's like the retarded nephew.

Richter: That's because he IS the retarded nephew. Well, Grandfather to you, Son to Chris, and Great-great-grandson

to Trevor.

Trevor: What about you, Leon and Juste?

Richter: We're far enough down the line that his epic fail can't effect us.

Simon: Ah, so your crappiness is all your own!

Richter: :C

Chris: Come on, son, we're going home.

Soleyu: But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAD!

Chris: NO BUTS! HOME! NAO!

*As Chris and Soleyu walk out, Richter starts to crack up*

Simon: What's so funny?

Richter: Nothing, nothing... Just that kid is such a pansy.

Trevor: True that. *Downs a shot*

[Omegasigma]

did you know there is an actualy beverage called holy water? makes you wonder how amny belmonts drink their attacks

[Battler Ushiromiya]

Richter, Leon, Trevor, and Simon are all gathered around their usual table.*

Richter: If everyone is here, then we can begin-

Leon: Arn't there supposed to be five of us here?

Trevor: Yeah, where's Juste?

*Meanwhile, Juste and Grant are simultaneously puking into adjacent urinals*

Simon: Probably got alcohol poisoning. We can clue him in later.

Richter: Anyways, I've got a feeling Dracula's up to something.

Simon: Oh, really now? Like running a pub is normal for him?

Richter: Oh, shut up. *Ahem* I figured how we could easily find out what Dracula's planning.

Leon: Geass?

Richter: Wrong series.

Leon: Oh, right.

Trevor: Come on, Leon, this is Richter we're talking about. It's probably something simple.

Simon: Like Eavesdropping.

Richter: Hey, it works, doesn't it?

S/T/L: ...Can't argue with that...

Richter: Right, so here's the plan...

*Later that night, Simon, Trevor, Richter, Leon, and a still puking Juste are all sitting around a TV in an unknown location, spying into Dracula's chambers using a spy camera set up outside the window.*

Simon: How did you get that camera set up again?

Richter: My sister-in-law is a ninja, remember?

Juste: More so than Maxim?

Richter: She said she tied him up in the cellar the other day.

Simon: Huh. We should probably go untie him.

*The group silently contemplates for a few minutes*

S/T/L/R/J: Nah.

*Dracula walks into his chambers, appearing on the TV screen*

Simon: Wow, the camera actually worked after all.

Richter: Why wouldn't it?

Simon: ...I'll explain it to you later.

Leon: Shut up, he's going to do something!

*The two turn back to the TV, watching as Dracula... Watches an Antiques show while eating Ramen from an instant noodles cup*

Simon: ...In the end...

Leon: ...He's just...

Trevor: ...An old man...

*Several hours pass. The five catch Dracula doing nothing but mundane house chores.*

Juste: Huh, Dracula owns a Bonsai tree?

Leon: Whoopdee. It's not like Bonsai trees are evil.

*Trevor finally snaps and throws his chair across the room, inadvertently hitting the TV*

Trevor: God DAMNIT, I wasted 3 hours of my life spying on a senile old vampire!

Simon: It could be a trick-

Trevor: Are you kidding!? What kind of evil can you whip up watching an Antique show?

*Note: There's actually a lot of evil artifacts out there.*

Richter: ...Oh shit...

Trevor: What!?

Richter: Alucard's gonna kill me... I borrowed that TV from him...

Alucard: *Upstairs, in his Genya Arikado persona* Is everything okay down there?

*As it turns out, the five are in the basement of a secret Japanese Governmet Organization's HQ.*

Richter: *Yelling to Alucard* Everything's fine! *Whispers to the others* Let's bail!

*The Belmonts all sneak out of the basement through various exits. Meanwhile, back at Dracula's chambers...*

Dracula: Finally, the camera goes out. DEATH! BRING IN OUR GUEST!

*The door to Dracula's quarters opens, and a familiar face enters*

Dracula: Hello... Vega.

Death: *From outside* HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO M. BISON!

Dracula: Oh. Hello... M. Bison.

*Yes, that was a Seiyuu joke. So sue me.*

[Omegasigma]

Bison, lol

[Shinobi]

Wahahaha! Geass!XD

[Battler Ushiromiya]

*The next day, back at the pub, everything is relatively normal when the door slams open once again, and Alucard walks in. Apparently, he decided to shed the disguise*

Dracula: I didn't do anything illegal, Adrian.

Alucard: I'm not here for you, father. I'm here for HIM!

*Alucard points his finger at Richter, who immediately dives under the table*

Richter: Ohshitohshitohshit...

Trevor: Well, you're fucked

*Alucard then proceeds to point at Trevor*

Alucard: And Him as well!

Trevor: Wait, what?

Alucard: Do you two idiots have any clue how much that TV cost that you trashed!?

Richter: Hey, Trevor smashed it!

Alucard: THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

*Suddenly, Hector barges in ion the same grandiose manner as everyone else, nailing Alucard in the back with the door in the process and pinning him against the wall.*

Hector: ISSAC!

Dracula: Finally, someone who's NOT here to kill me.

Hector: ISSAC, GET OUT HERE!

Simon: Buddy, there's no "Issac" here.

Leon: Yeah, everyone here has legs.

Richter: Okay, first of all, that's Yzak. Second, It's just the mech that constantly loses its legs, not the pilot.

Leon: Oh. Damn.

Trevor: Jeez, get yourself together, man!

Hector: I know Issac's here! I tracked him here through his business card!

Dracula: Business card? Let me see that!

*Hector hands Dracula the card. He then proceeds to read it, with preactically the entire pub staring over his shoulder.*

Dracula: "Uncle Izzy's Escort Service"... Well, that explains the police raids.

Juste: There's something written on the back.

*Dracula flips the card over and reads the hand-written text.*

Dracula: "For manly loving, call Frozen Half."

Maxim: What's the number?

*Everyone except Charlotte gives Maxim the WTF look.*

Maxim: ...What?

Dracula: Well, Issac HAS been acting weird lately... He hangs out in the cellar when he's here, usually with a couple dozen Succubi. This definitely explains why.

Hector: Thanks!

*Hector rushes down the cellar stairs, sword in hand.*

Hector: ISSAC! YOU'RE GONNA DIE!

Issac: *Downstairs* NO! WAIT! SHE AGREED TO- GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!

Jonathan: What was that even about?

John: You'll find out when you're older, son... Charlotte, what the hell are you writing!?

Charlotte: Maxim x Frozen Half... Shounen Pairing... Yaoi fic...

*And thus, Issac's business began to prosper, Charlotte was labed a deviant, and Maxim was branded an idiot.*

Maxim: *On a payphone, reading the back of Issac's card* Hello, I'm calling for Frozen Half... WHAT THE HELL!? YOU'RE A GUY!

[gravekeeper]

Ahaha XD Hilarious! XD I read it all and it'd be lovely to see this as an animation XDD