Castlevania Dungeon Forums
The Castlevania Dungeon Forums => Fan Stuff => Topic started by: Ridureyu on April 09, 2011, 03:47:06 PM
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Heya, guys! Rid Belmont here. Now, I bet you're wondering why you've never heard of me. Well, that's because The Man likes keeping folks down. See, apparently my little adventure in Dracula's Demon Castle was deemed "unfit" by that IGA fellow (By the way, ever shop at IGA? Good groceries, great price!) In fact, after I beat down good old Drac again, they gave me a list of things I'm not allowed to do anymore! Can you believe that? I save the world, and they tell me I did it all wrong! Aw, come on, at least I'm not like that Richter putz. "Dracula only comes once per century," my foot. Dude, Dracula comes back every other year. But anyway, here we go:
THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO
1. If I have to ask, then I am not allowed to do it.
2. Not allowed to organize the flea men into a football team.
3. Not allowed to eat the Bibuti.
4. Not allowed to imitate the zombies and shamble along the front hallway.
5. Not allowed to sing my own lyrics to "Vampire Killer."
6. Although Death is fairly conversational and often imparts information to Belmonts, I'm not allowed to greet him with "Hey, D-Man! How's it hanging?" and get into a discussion about the last season of Lost.
7. Not allowed to challenge Death to a game of Monopoly.
8. Not allowed to date Medusa.
9. In the case of #8, not allowed to discuss "logistics" with Medusa.
10. Not allowed to give the succubus suggestions as to why I carry a whip.
11. Not allowed to take the Dogether home as a pet.
12. Not allowed to tell the werewolves "Don't worry, I'm on Team Jacob!"
13. Not allowed to assemble Dracula's parts "My own way." ("The rib bone's connected to the nail bone! The heart bone's connected to the ring bone! The eye bone's connected to the fang bone!")
14. Dario is not Larry, Dmitrii is not Moe, and I am not allowed to shave Celia's head so she resembles Curly.
15. Not allowed to give my son a backwards name.
16. Not allowed to put The Creature back together again.
17. Not allowed to hide in Legion.
18. Not allowed to shout "Iia! Iia! Ftagn!" at the Malachis.
19. Not allowed to call Shaft "a black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks."
20. Not allowed to steal Carmilla's skull and go riding it through the castle.
21. In the case of #20, not allowed to shout "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
22. The Vampire Killer is a special holy heirloom of the Belmont family. Not allowed to replace it for "Old Bessie," my gatling gun.
23. Not allowed to fasten a big smiley face ball to the tip of the Vampire Killer
24. Not allowed ot shake Death down for "All your wallmeat! ALL the wallmeat!"
25. Not allowed to hire Killer Clowns for my next birthday party.
26. Not allowed to take Medusa dancing.
27. Not allowed to eat everything I find in the walls.
28. Not allowed to hide in Final Guard armor.
29. Not allowed to do #28 with the succubus.
30. Not allowed to tell the Succubus "I think we should just be friends. Hey, wanna go catch a movie?"
31. Not allowed to clothe the harpies.
32. Not allowed to put on a funky afro wig before going into Dracula's Keep.
33. Not allowed to unleash my pet dog in Castlevania. He ate all the wall meat.
34. Not allowed to hand the Merchant my credit card.
35. Not allowed to brain him with my cross when he doesn't accept it.
36. Not allowed to randomly rename monsters "Because I think Billy Joe is much more palatable to an American audience than Malphas."
37. Not allowed to imitate the flea men.
38. Not allowed to assemble my own skeletons.
39. Ectoplasms are not basketballs.
40. Not allowed to switch Dullahan and Yorick's heads when they aren't looking.
41. Not allowed to duct tape all the weapons together.
42. Not allowed to hire SOtheby's to appraise the art in Dracula's castle.
43. In the case of 42. not allowed to hand Dracula the appraisal and say, "You know, you'd make a lot more just selling the stuff than what you're doing. So, whaddaya say?"
44. Not allowed to introduce Medusa to my parents.
45. Not allowed to toss bouncy rubber superballs around the castle.
46. Not allowed to play hopscotch with the Cave Trolls.
47. Not allowed to play frisbee with the Disc Armors.
48. Boxing gloves are not a valid subweapon.
49. Neither is a big squeaky rubber mallet.
50. Not allowed to shout "BOOGA BOOGA!" and scare the monsters.
51. Not allowed to search for the Graveyard Duck.
52. Upon assembling Dracula's remains, not allowed to sneakily put him in a clown suit.
53. Not allowed to ask Dracula, "So, if it's Till Death do You part, does that mean Lisa's available?"
54. Not allowed to move in with Medusa.
55. Not allowed to adopt the Medusa Heads so we can have "a family."
56. Not allowed to ask Slogra and Gaibon precisely which mythology they're from.
57. Not allowed to show The Creature "Whether flowers float."
58. Not allowed to use the word "Kickasstlevania!"
59. Not allowed to say "IMMA FIRIN MAH HYDRO STORM! SHOOP DA WOOP!"
60. Not allowed to quote Leeroy Jenkins.
61. Not allowed to ask Death about Discworld.
62. Not allowed to interview Carmilla and Laura for Out Magazine.
63. Not allowed to make friends with the minotaurs.
64. Not allowed to demand that Olrox calls himself Orlok.
65. Not allowed to conduct an investigation on just who Death Wing is.
66. Not allowed to ask what "Zapf" means.
67. Not allowed to stick Dracula's remains on a space shuttle.
68. Not allowed to wear Vampire Hunter D's hat.
69. Not allowed to interior decorate the castle.
70. Upon defeating Dracula, not allowed to say, "So, same time next year, Drac?"
71. Not allowed to say "Bodley Mansion is much cooler than this old dump!"
72. The correct answer to "What is a Man?" is not "Snips and snails and puppy dog tails!"
73. Not allowed to marry Medusa.
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Some of these are a hoot to read! Do you have a thing for Gorgons (Medusa)?
-X
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Our love runs deep!
(since there's nowhere else on the forum where I could put this besides fan stuff, and it doesn't count for that unless it's really fanfiction, I added the odd little intro paragraph. lol)
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Watch the remake of Clash of the titans and you'll see a wicked and HOT-looking Medusa. I have a thing for gorgons too ;) Though I suppose any other-worldly chick is a catch in her own right.
-X
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There is kinda more to the list than perverse Medusa love...
(which will probably end up with its own topic)
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Number 53 is really funny. Only someone who is suicidal and into necrophilia would ask Drac that question. Rid also seems to have some sort of attraction to the succubus. Who wouldn't? Keep in mind that there is probably more than one. Keep in mind that they will steal you life force which would eventually kill you. Then again, if you're someone who doesn't care about that, then hanging out with a bunch of succubi could be heaven for guys.
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74. Just because I know Dracula's real name doesn't mean I can call him "Matty.
75. Not allowed to ride the Quetzacoatls.
76. Not allowed to hold a church potluck in the Royal Chapel.
77. Cream pies are not a valid subwea- oh, wait. They are.
78. Not allowed to ask Shanoa about Monica.
79. Not allowed to shout "SNAPE KILLS ALBUS!"
80. Not allowed to put a top hat and monocle on the Dogether.
81. Not allowed to replace the Vampire Killer with a whiffle bat.
82. Not allowed to teach Dracula about "the joys of propane."
83. Not allowed to organize Cagnazzo, Barbariccia, Malacoda, and Lubicant into a boy band.
84. Not allowed to make puns on the bad translation of Lubicant's name.
85. Not allowed to poke Curly in the eyes.
86. I am not from TMZ, nor am I looking for the latest gossip on Alura Une.
87. Not allowed to wear Bone Pillars as a hat.
88. A cookie monster puppet is not a valid subweapon.
89. I need more dialogue than "JONATHAN! CHARLOTTE! JONATHAN! CHARLOTTE!"
90. Charlie Brown is not real.
91. Not allowed to go all "Pimp my ride" on the Bone Arks.
92. There is not always room for Tanjelly.
93. The castle has an arena, not a "Thunderdome."
94. Not allowed to screen "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" in the castle.
95. Not allowed to yell "SHORYUKEN!" while using the Griffon Wing.
96. The Simpsons Theme is not a suitable replacement for Bloody Tears.
97. Not allowed to give Zacchino tips on "the ladies."
98. Not allowed to dress the Succubus in a nun's habit.
99. Not allowed to forget about the Forgotten One.
100. Not allowed to call Celia "Butterface."
101. Mentos and Diet Coke are not a valid subweapon.
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102. Not allowed to cook with Garlic.
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Okay, this might be the funniest thing I've read in a while, but
18. Not allowed to shout "Iia! Iia! Ftagn!" at the Malachis.
is my favorite. Lovecraft reference (combined with misnamed enemies) is amusing.
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103. I am not the wind.
104. I am not the sun.
105. One day, we will not "all be one."
106. "Till all are one!" is the rallying cry of the Autobots, not the Belmonts.
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107. Not allowed to point Dracula and scream "IGAAAAA!!"
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103. I am not the wind.
104. I am not the sun.
105. One day, we will not "all be one."
106. "Till all are one!" is the rallying cry of the Autobots, not the Belmonts.
^WN^ ;D
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108. At the end of my philosophical pre-fight dialogue with Dracula, I am not allowed to say "And knowing's half the battle! YO JOOOOOOOOOOE!"
109. The Star of David is not a suitable substitute cross boomerang.
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110. I am not allowed to clamor on the sides of Castlevania like spiderman during a full moon with wolves howling in the dark.
-X
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111. I am not allowed to ask Dracula if he sparkles in sunlight like the vampires from twilight.
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112. No, that is not what Medusa Heads are for.
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LOL
-X
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113. Not Allowed to consult my doctor about "living with Harpies".
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114. Not allowed to ask Dracula what he plans to do for Castlevania's 25th anniversary.
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115. Not allowed to surprise Dracula with my very own "Monstrous True Form" (stilts, a trench coat, and a hang glider).
116. The lamps at the public library are not Money Candles.
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117. Not allowed to ask Master Librarian for a refund.
118. Not allowed to ransack the treasury.
119. Not allowed to sleep with the intended virgin sacrifices.
120. Not allowed to put a whoopy cushion on Dracula's throne.
121. Not allowed to wear a matador outfit when around the minotaurs.
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118. Not allowed to use the giant skeleton's ribcage as a Xylophone and preform Walt Disney's "Skeleton Dance".
-X
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118. Not allowed to use the giant skeleton's ribcage as a Xylophone and preform Walt Disney's "Skeleton Dance".
-X
This should be #122
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123. After I throw up, I'm not allowed to tell Dracula, "Sorry, man. It's the wall meat. Must've gone bad."
124. There are no bathrooms in the castle. Now the alchemy lab is ruined for everybody.
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125. Not allowed to replace the wall meat with tofu.
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126. Not allowed to free IGA from the dark dungeon he's kept in.
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127. Not allowed to ask Alucard how he feels about a Human teenager a few hundred years younger than him being his daddy.
128. Not allowed to hum the Zelda item get theme when I obtain a new relic.
129. Not allowed to question how vampire killer changes from leather whip to chain whip with a spiked ball at the tip.
130. For that matter, not allowed to question why there are Vampire Killers in Dracula's Castle to begin with.
131. Not allowed to ask Simon what his real hair color is.
132. Not allowed to ask the Evil Butcher if he's the one who keeps hiding meat in the walls.
133. Not allowed to hit the werewolf on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and yell "BAD DOG!"
134. Not allowed to join the Succubus and Lilith in the bath.
135. Not allowed to organize the Zombies to dance to thriller.
136. Not allowed to get rid of Jehovah's Witnesses by sending them to Dracula's castle.
137. Not allowed to lock Dracula out of the castle when he goes out to drink blood.
138. Not allowed to give Dracula relationship advice.
139. Not allowed change the clock tower's time for daylight savings.
140. Insecticide is not a valid weapon against Abbadon.
141. Not allowed to play with the Killer Doll.
142. Not allowed to be genre savvy and figure out which ally is going to be possessed by Dracula/betray me
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143. Not allowed to ask the Evil Butcher if he's related to Jason Voorhees.
-X
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By the way, I love this topic.
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By the way, I love this topic.
Who doesn't!? It's fun to read and even more fun to add to it.
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144. Not allowed to show Dracula my fanfiction.
145. Not allowed to call Alucard Sephiroth, or vice-versa.
146. Likewise, Alucard is not a "Momma's boyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
147. Not allowed to disguise myself as a Persephone
148. Not allowed to introduce Puppet Master to the joys of action figure collecting.
149. Not allowed to give Dracula ideas for new monsters ("Have you ever thought of a Nuckelavee (http://bogleech.com/nuckelavee.html)?").
150. Similarly, not allowed to leave my D&D Monster Manuals in the castle.
151. Paries is not meant to aid me in my perversion.
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152. Not allowed to use wall meat and Dracula's castle to open up a KFC joint.
-X
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153. I will not demand Dracula's birth certificate.
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154. I will not vacuum the Persephone's skirts. "B...But Soma did it..!"
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1. Mentioning Legends.
2. Dissing Simon’s Quest without playing it.
3. Dissing Haunted Castle without playing it.
4. Complaining how no other Castlevania has 8-directional whipping other than IV.
5. Saying Legacy of Darkness is like Castlevania 64.
6. Calling Castlevania on the N64 Castlevania 64.
7. Calling Castlevania a “Vampire Game”.
8. Say Castlevania can’t be in 3D.
9. Say Lords of Shadow is Cannon.
10. Complaining how no other Castlevania has Whip Swing other than IV. (I guess Lament and Bloodlines 11. don’t count?)
12. Say that Curse of darkness is better than Lament of Innocence.
13. Calling Pot Roasts in Castlevania pork chops.
14. Saying Sypha is or was a man.
15. Using the cross on Death in original Castlevania.
16. Using any weapon other than the axe on the first boss in the original Castlevania.
17. Saying that Castlevania games should only use remixes of past themes.
18. Thinking when you play a Castlevania game.
19. Complaining that Castlevania The Adventure Rebirth isn’t enough like the original.
20. Saying that SotN has the worst voice acting ever.
21. Writing a Castlevania fan fiction.
22. Looking up Castlevania porn.
23. Posting a non related Castlevania topic on the forums.
24. Mentioning The Castlevania Dungeon on the Castlevania Corner.
25. Going on The Castlevania Corner.
26. Believing the Shin Dracula X hoax.
27. Mentioning Castlevania Dual Moons.
28. Saying Bloodletting was real.
29. Comparing Order of Ecclesia to Simon’s Quest.
30. Saying any Castlevania game that takes place after SotN is cannon except AoS and DoS.
31. Saying the story doesn’t matter in a Castlevania game.
32. Saying Circle of the Moon isn’t the best Castlevania game.
33. Thinking there will be a game based on the 1999 war.
34. Hanging characters [that nobody cares about] in your signature.
35. Tacking NSFW on the Succubus portrait.
36. Saying the Castlevania Movie will be anything other than the best thing ever.
37. Saying Rondo of Blood is hard.
38. Compairing that Vanhelsing movie to Castlevania.
39. Saying that any Castlevania game ever is like Vagrant Story.
40. Claiming Frozen Half is a man.
41. Saying Super Castlevania IV was the high point of the series.
42. Saying SotN is a Super Metroid clone.
43. Spelling Castlevania Castle Vania
44. Thinking that IGA doesn’t hate you.
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Just to be clear, capkan left off on #198
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I dunno, those look a lot less like "Silly crap I'd do in the castle" and more like "Fannish things which annoy me."
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I dunno, those look a lot less like "Silly crap I'd do in the castle" and more like "Fannish things which annoy me."
I agree. It has nothing to do with this topic. capkan should have started his own topic.
To be clear, this list is silly crap any of us would do in the castle. Rid may have started it, but several of us have added to it. If you want to add other stuff like things that annoy you, make your own topic.
With that in mind, the list is really at #155.
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The last one was 154.
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FYI, the original idea of this is based on Skippy's List (http://skippyslist.com/list/)
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#155. Not allowed to ask Aeon or St. Germain to go back in time and kill Mathias before he gets completely mad.
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156. Not allowed to inquire St. Germain about his spiffy hat.
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157. Not allowed to sell Aeon (Judgement) a DeLorean
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most of these are pretty corny :(
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most of these are pretty corny :(
I disagree,. I think Ridureyu has come up with a TON of funny shit in here! ;D
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I agree, they are pretty funny (https://castlevaniadungeon.net/forums/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fv119%2Fc0mbat%2Flaugh.gif&hash=774571b7b8ce6b03f73d9ef2c58fd220ce38cf76)
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158. Not allowed to steal the Kicker Skeleton's gear and pretend to be a superhero.
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159. Not allowed to turn a group of kicker skeletons into a soccer team.
160. In case of #159, not allowed to enter it into the World Cup.
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161. Not allowed to ask the Skeleton Athlete if he would participate in the summer Olympics
-X
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162. Not allowed to visit the museum ever again. They were unhappy with me after I tried to "go into a NEW WORLD!" with the Mona Lisa.
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163. Not allowed to re-assemble Castlevania AFTER it has crumbled into ruins.........................I love Lego ;D
-X
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164. Not allowed to keep Dracula's relics to boost yourself at home. And don't think about increasing your luck for exams!
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165: Not allowed to shout "BOOM! HEADSHOT!" every time I whip Dracula in the face.
166: Not allowed to bathe in the Holy Water.
167: Not allowed to do naughty things to the Yoko-Succubi with the whip.
168: Not allowed to play snake charmer music to make Medusa Heads dance.
169: In the case of #118, not allowed to organize the Skeletons to do the Skeleton Dance.
170: Not allowed to put Dracula's Heart in a box and bury in on Isla Cruces.
171: Not allowed to replace the floors with AstroTurf.
172: Not allowed to catch Dracula's wine glass.
173: Not allowed to give Death a Melvin.
174: Not allowed to inquire as to how I manage to kill Death.
175: Not allowed to summon the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man to do my bidding.
176: Not allowed to bring Winoa Ryder to the castle.
177: In the case of #176, not allowed to leave her alone in the throne room.
178: Not allowed to not despair upon seeing Dracula's TRUE FORM!!!!!
179: Not allowed to give Dracula a pencil and paper and ask him to draw blood.
180:Not allowed attach fleamen to my feet and bounce around the castle.
181: Not allowed to cover an Ourobouros with white fur and ride it around the castle.
182: In the case of #181, not allowed to call it Falcor.
183: Not allowed to use the Freeze Ray on enemies.
184: Not allowed to race the Skeleton Runner down the Eternal Corridor.
185: In the case of #184, not allowed to trip him.
186: Not allowed to flash the Succubi.
187: Not allowed to attack Dracula with a Bowie knife.
188: Not allowed to cast Mini on Dracula.
189: In the case of #188, not allowed to punt him off the big staircase.
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190. Not allowed to ask the Skeleton Bartender if he would make me a Bloody Mary.
-X
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191. In case of #189, not allowed to say that my mind was being controlled by a dark priest.
192. Not allowed to treat the castle as an amusement park haunted house and charge people for admission.
193. In cases of #192, not allowed to let people in without signing a liability waiver.
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194. Not allowed to recite the "What is a man" scene randomly
195. Not allowed to think candles contain money
196. Not allowed to break walls randomly
197. Not allowed to set up shop at libraries
198. In the case of #194, Not allowed to throw wine glasses
199. Not allowed to stalk people in real life who resembles Castlevania characters
200. Not allowed to get Castlevania characters to cosplay each other
201. Not allowed to get into Alucart mode and hope to pass an exam without studying
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202. Not allowed to donate Akmodan II's body to the Ciro Egyptian museum and claim i made the discovery of a lifetime.
203. Not allowed to sing 'Wrap it up' by Sam & Dave to Akmodan II
-X
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204. Not allowed to use Akmodan II as toilet paper.
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205: In the case of 204, not allowed to produce Akmodan II branded toilet paper
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206. Not allowed to auction off the castle's art.
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207. Not allowed to toss wine glasses around.
208. Not allowed to stick candlesticks on the ceiling
209. On the case of 208, Not allowed to places vases on the ceiling to see if they would stick
210. Not allowed to break walls when hungry
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211. Not allowed to take Castlevania characters to Comicon so they can win the cosplay competition.
212. In the case of #211, not allowed to let Dracula roam loose.
213. Not allowed to let ANY of them roam loose.
214. Not allowed to replace Dracula's blood reserves with tomato juice
215. Not allowed to ask Dracula who his outfitter is
215. Not allowed to to ask Dracula what Home Insurance he has and if it covers 'destruction-by-dying'.
216. Not allowed to dress up as Batman and recite the "I am vengeance" line while atop the castle spire.
217. Not allowed to visit fortune tellers after I tried to steal their crystal orbs in order to "unlock the seals on the door"
218. Not allowed to foreclose the Castle due to centuries of unpaid loans.
219. Not allowed to call in the Ghostbusters
220. In the case of #219, not allowed to absorb Shaft into a ghost trap
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221. In case of #219, not allowed to sing Ray Parker Jr.'s song.
222. Not allowed to sell Castlevania.
223. Not allowed to ask Wind to get away.
224. Not allowed to turn off the light when you're fighting Blackmore.
225. Not allowed to take Eligor and go for a ride.
226. Not allowed to try explaining Death the phylosophical meaning of life and death.
227. Not allowed to bring friends to a party in Castlevania.
228. Not allowed to sit on Dracula's throne while he's sleeping in his coffin.
229. In case of #228, not allowed to say "What is a man?" if a Belmont arrives.
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230. 360 degree whipping in the 2D games.
231. Ask for a SOTN sequel.
232. Ask for a new 2D CV title for a next gen system.
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233. In the case of 232; Not allowed to ask for a 2D Classicvania for the next gen systems.
-X
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234. In case of 231, Not allowed to get my hopes up.
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234. In case of 231, Not allowed to get my hopes up.
ROFL, and that's why we have fan-made games!
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235. Not allowed to nail the Dracula's coffin shut while he is sleeping inside.
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236. Not allowed to make "final nail in the coffin" comments about the games.
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237: Complain about Simon's Quest being the worst game of the NES series.
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238. Offer Dracula garlic toast
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239. Not allowed to make "yo mamma" jokes in front of Alucard.
240. Not allowed to ask Brauner to do custom framing for me.
241. In the case of #240, I don't think he does caricatures either.
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242. Not allowed to say "No" to Brauner when he says "This is ART!"
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#239 is hilarious. I'm surprised someone didn't think of it earlier.
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243. In the case of #242, not allowed to bring Roger Ebert into the castle to debate with Brauner about the definition of art.
#239 is hilarious. I'm surprised someone didn't think of it earlier.
So am I...I actually checked the whole thread before posting it. XD
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240. Not allowed to pretend that the Castlevania Villa is Arklay mansion.
241. In the case of 240, not allowed to pretend I'm Chris Redfield while shooting up the Villa and it's zombies.
-X
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240. Not allowed to pretend that the Castlevania Villa is Arklay mansion.
241. In the case of 240, not allowed to pretend I'm Chris Redfield while shooting up the Villa and it's zombies.
-X
These should be numbers 244 and 245.
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Ah crap! This always happens to me. I check to see if the numbers are correct and then through some unforeseen twist... It's all messed up! 246. In the case of the previous 244 and 245, not allowed to shoot myself in the head calming that I've been bitten by a zombie :P
-X
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247. In case of #68, not allowed to replace the Vampire Killer with Vampire Hunter D's sword.
248. In case of both #68 and #247, not allowed to claim to be Vampire Hunter D.
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Ah crap! This always happens to me. I check to see if the numbers are correct and then through some unforeseen twist... It's all messed up! 246. In the case of the previous 244 and 245, not allowed to shoot myself in the head calming that I've been bitten by a zombie :P
-X
249. Allowed to check it numbers are correct in Castlevania threads! lol ;D
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250. Not allowed to sell Medusa's petrified victims to museums claiming that they are sculptures.
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251: In the case of 250, not allowed put them on Ebay
252: Not allowed to name Gargoyles Alucard.
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253. In the case of 252; Not allowed to name Gargoyles Gaibon.
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254. Not allowed to sell Cerberus or any other CV animal to a zoo.
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255. Not allowed to make jokes about any monster with the word "flaming" in their name.
256. Not allowed to replace the ferryman's boat with a jetski.