Topic: A few tales from Asgard. AKA: WHY THE "HEL" IS THIS A DEAD RELIGION?!

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Thor Cross-Dresses for Great Justice

The events of the Thrymskvitha, a comedic poem starring Thor and Loki, are rightly awesome.

Thor wakes up one morning and finds that Mjölnir has been stolen while he was sleeping. Eventually, Thor and Loki figure out that the hammer has was taken by Thrymr the giant (no explanation is offered for how, I guess the god of thunder is a really sound sleeper or was really hung over [probably the case]). Thrymr has hidden Mjölnir and is only willing to give the hammer back if the Norse gods will let him marry the most beautiful Freyja.

So Thor and Loki tell Freyja to get dressed all nice so they can marry her to one of their mortal enemies, and she pitches a well deserved fit, shaking the halls of the Æsir. The rest of the gods have a big meeting and it is suggested by Heimdallr that they take a page from Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy and just dress Thor up like Freyja and send him in her place. So the gods dress Thor up in “jewels, women’s clothing down to his knees, a bridal head-dress,” and Freyja’s famous necklace Brísingamen. Loki, who is by now well established as something of a shapeshifter and occasionally a genderbender, makes himself look like a handmaid, and off they go.

When “Freyja” astonishes the other giants by eating enough for thirty men, Loki explains that Freyja is so excited about marrying Thrymr that she hasn’t eaten in more than a week. When Thrymr raises Freyja’s veil and sees the burning eyes of a warrior staring back at him, Loki explains that Freyja hasn’t slept in eight days either. Convinced, the giants bring out Mjölnir to use in the wedding ceremony and lay it on Freyja’s lap.

Then Thor slaughters every last one of them wearing a wedding dress and fabulous jewels.

MANLINESS.



Building the Wall of Asgard

Anyway, Asgard is a great place. But a castle/hall of the gods is only as good as the great big fuck-off-wall that you erect around it. So the gods find the perfect craftsman, the only guy who can do the job, and wouldn’t you know it? He wants to be paid what he’s worth, i.e., the Sun, the Moon, and Freyja’s hand in marriage.

So naturally, the gods give him a bunch of
arbitrary limitations in order to make sure that he doesn’t actually finish the wall on time so they can cheat him of pay, mandating that he must build the wall with the help of “no man” and do it all in three seasons. The builder asks if he can use his horse. The gods say, yes, why not?

Turns out this horse, Svaðilfari, is the Superman of all equines, and he proceeds on schedule. The gods have a private panic attack and sic the tricksy Loki on the guy. But Loki’s scheme comes to naught, and eventually the gods realize that the builder is actually a giant, one of the guys they were trying to keep out in the first place, so Thor bashes his head in once the wall is completed.



The Creation of Sleipnir and Loki's OTHER kids

But back to Loki’s scheme to stop the builder with his super horse (TANGENT, the Super Horse is a real DC hero, his name is Comet, his Post Crisis revamp was as a bisexual FTM shapeshifting angel. Yes). Loki decides the best thing do to would be to distract Svaðilfari, the horse, and the best way to do that would be to turn himself into a sexy mare. That night, when sexy mare Loki appeared from the forest, Svaðilfari went crazy, tore his traces, and chased Loki all night.

Then he caught Loki. I hope I don’t have to explain what happened next.

Sometime later mare Loki gave birth to a foal with eight legs named Sleipnir, and instead of saying “Whoah, that is some freaky child of shapeshifter-rape,” Odin said “Dude that’s a sweet horse. Imma ride that thing all over.”

And don’t think Loki stopped after giving birth, in animal form, to Odin’s sweet-ass ride. He’s got other kids, mostly with the giantess Angrboða. "Kids" is a loose definition, here.

First there’s is only humanoid child with Angrboða, Hel, who, as you might have guessed, winds up becoming the etymological root of the word Hell, as the ruler of a realm called Helheim, the Norse underworld.

But then there’s Fenrir, the massive wolf who grew so quickly the gods had to restrain him with shackles so badass they have their own name, who is destined to kill Allfather Odin himself during Ragnarök.

Then there’s, you know, Jörmungandr, the World Serpent and nemesis of Thor; so large he lies around the world and forms its border by grasping his own tail in his mouth. When he lets go, the world will end.



The Greatest Beer Run Ever

Asgardian Beer Runs are absolutely the thing of myth and legend.

During one of their massive feasts, the gods somehow RAN OUT OF BEER and simply could not go on eating without more. Not missing a beat, they dispatch Thor and Tyr to the island ruled by Aegir, a sea god and apparently some kind of micro-homebrew hipster.

But like any beer run, this goes awry when Aegir, in response to Thor’s insults, claims he doesn’t have a cauldron big enough. Tyr suggests they go to his house, where his dad has a cauldron five miles deep. Sure, why not?

Upon arriving at Tyr’s house, they are confronted by his nine-hundred headed monster grandmother, his totally hot mom, and his evil father Hymir — a giant who has icicles in his beard. Unwilling to give up his totally sweet cauldron, Hymir suggests they eat. Their errand suddenly less urgent, Thor sits down to dinner and eats two whole cows.

By this time, the whole beer issue must be completely forgotten since Thor goes on a fishing trip where he beats up Jorgmund, the Midguard serpent; hauls a boat full of whales; and shatters a glass goblet against Hymir’s head.

After all this, they finally score the cauldron and hightail it Asgard. The gods immediately drop everything at the prospect of free beer, and are said to have “drank tides of warming ale brewed for them in the sea god’s gleaming hall.” Party on, dudes.



Asgardian RAP BATTLES

And finally, the Lokasenna is basically an old Norse rap battle between Loki and every other god. All the other gods are sitting around talking about how great they are and how much they hate Loki, and so Loki decides to go in there and tell everyone how much they actually suck. The entire poem consists of two stanzas of Loki insulting someone by saying they slept with their brother’s killer, that they’re responsible for the death of their own son, or that he killed their dad, followed by a stanza of the insultee responding and a stanza of another god coming to their defense, followed by two stanzas of Loki insulting this newcomer to the conversation.

This goes on for almost a dozen gods until Thor finally arrives and tells Loki to shut up or get out. Loki chooses the latter, after implying that Thor is a coward and reminding him of that one time he lost at wrestling to an old woman and couldn’t lift a cat.

But he doesn’t leave before he’s implied some serious things about Freya, the most beautiful of the goddesses, specifically that when all the other gods walked in on her having sex with her own brother, she was so surprised that she farted. Wikipedia notes: “This scenario is otherwise unattested.”

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the Vikings were five hundred different colors of awesome, and the Marvel version of Asgard is poor and puny by comparison.

[Grimlock78]

That,my friend,was as funny as "HEL".

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Another good one is Brathalla's story arc where Thor needs to find an indestructible weapon, so he can fight giants who are immune to normal methods. After some discussion Loki reminds everyone that Baldr is invulnerable, since all things save mistletoe promised never to hurt him, and Thor thusly proceeds to use Baldr as a flail.

[Gunlord]

Too bad everyone dies in the end

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Actually, that's a misconception. A man and a woman are smuggled through the destruction of Ragnarok by Odin in the hollows in the World Tree, in addition to two children of Odin, two children of Thor, and a revived Baldr, who all become the first of the Gods in the new world, which will shine even brighter.

[Gunlord]

But Thor and all the other original cool gods are still dead, aren't they? :/

[Grimlock78]

That kinda sucks.... . But all things have to end sooner or later no matter how far into the future it is or how soon in the present it is.

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Ragnarok is the period in which the old world is washed away and the Old Guard give their lives to ensure the creation of a newer, better world.

So yes, Odin, Thor and most of the Gods die, but Odin tasks Baldr and the ones who are fated to survive to "keep a memory of us and the glory that came before in a world that will never know it".

[Grimlock78]

Ragnarok is the period in which the old world is washed away and the Old Guard give their lives to ensure the creation of a newer, better world.

So yes, Odin, Thor and most of the Gods die, but Odin tasks Baldr and the ones who are fated to survive to "keep a memory of us and the glory that came before in a world that will never know it".

I see......

[Mooning Freddy]

Fantastic tales Sigurd! F**king love mythology. Pagan mythology is so noneducational.
In Judeo-Christianity it's always about "love god and he'd love you back." blah blah blah.
But pagan gods are always like, "F**k you, I'm a god, I do what I want. Disrespect me, and you'll get your arse whooped. Respect me, and you still might get your arse whooped if I feel like it. Yeah, I'm bad like that." 

[Lumi Kløvstad]

Fantastic tales Sigurd! F**king love mythology. Pagan mythology is so noneducational.
In Judeo-Christianity it's always about "love god and he'd love you back." blah blah blah.
But pagan gods are always like, "F**k you, I'm a god, I do what I want. Disrespect me, and you'll get your arse whooped. Respect me, and you still might get your arse whooped if I feel like it. Yeah, I'm bad like that." 

And the Norse Gods go "We're all gonna die. The only question is when. This is as good a place as any to take our first steps to whatever awaits beyond the world we know. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fucking knees... begging?! I ain't much for begging! So I say fuck those Giants! Let's fight to the end!"

[Grimlock78]

Hey sigurd, with your religion,what do you think of the 2012 world ending theory and all that f***ed up jazz?

[Lumi Kløvstad]

I'll believe the world is ending when we get a winter that lasts 3 years, in accordance with the prophecy. Of course, if by "winter" you mean "economic trouble" and by "warfare" you mean "warfare", then OH SHIT.

[X]

"We're all gonna die. The only question is when. This is as good a place as any to take our first steps to whatever awaits beyond the world we know. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fucking knees... begging?! I ain't much for begging! So I say fuck those Giants! Let's fight to the end!"

Hahaha! I see what you did here.

[Flame]

Gods from the Nordic and Greek/Roman religions were definitely more Human. I mean shit, lemme tell you bout them Greek Gods... Hot damn, even soap operas don't have that much drama. I suppose people feel more relatable to Gods that well, are relatable and more Human in their habits and such. It just sits better.