Topic: Rid's List: Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do In Castlevania

[Ridureyu]

Heya, guys!  Rid Belmont here.  Now, I bet you're wondering why you've never heard of me.  Well, that's because The Man likes keeping folks down.  See, apparently my little adventure in Dracula's Demon Castle was deemed "unfit" by that IGA fellow (By the way, ever shop at IGA? Good groceries, great price!)  In fact, after I beat down good old Drac again, they gave me a list of things I'm not allowed to do anymore! Can you believe that? I save the world, and they tell me I did it all wrong! Aw, come on, at least I'm not like that Richter putz.  "Dracula only comes once per century," my foot.  Dude, Dracula comes back every other year.  But anyway, here we go:




THINGS I AM NO LONGER ALLOWED TO DO

1.  If I have to ask, then I am not allowed to do it.

2.  Not allowed to organize the flea men into a football team.

3.  Not allowed to eat the Bibuti.

4.  Not allowed to imitate the zombies and shamble along the front hallway.

5.  Not allowed to sing my own lyrics to "Vampire Killer."

6.  Although Death is fairly conversational and often imparts information to Belmonts, I'm not allowed to greet him with "Hey, D-Man! How's it hanging?" and get into a discussion about the last season of Lost.

7.  Not allowed to challenge Death to a game of Monopoly.

8.  Not allowed to date Medusa.

9.  In the case of #8, not allowed to discuss "logistics" with Medusa.

10. Not allowed to give the succubus suggestions as to why I carry a whip.

11. Not allowed to take the Dogether home as a pet.

12. Not allowed to tell the werewolves "Don't worry, I'm on Team Jacob!"

13. Not allowed to assemble Dracula's parts "My own way." ("The rib bone's connected to the nail bone!  The heart bone's connected to the ring bone! The eye bone's connected to the fang bone!")

14. Dario is not Larry, Dmitrii is not Moe, and I am not allowed to shave Celia's head so she resembles Curly.

15. Not allowed to give my son a backwards name.

16. Not allowed to put The Creature back together again.

17. Not allowed to hide in Legion.

18. Not allowed to shout "Iia! Iia! Ftagn!" at the Malachis.

19. Not allowed to call Shaft "a black private dick who's a sex machine to all the chicks."

20. Not allowed to steal Carmilla's skull and go riding it through the castle.

21. In the case of #20, not allowed to shout "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

22. The Vampire Killer is a special holy heirloom of the Belmont family.  Not allowed to replace it for "Old Bessie," my gatling gun.

23. Not allowed to fasten a big smiley face ball to the tip of the Vampire Killer

24. Not allowed ot shake Death down for "All your wallmeat! ALL the wallmeat!"

25. Not allowed to hire Killer Clowns for my next birthday party.

26. Not allowed to take Medusa dancing.

27. Not allowed to eat everything I find in the walls.

28. Not allowed to hide in Final Guard armor.

29. Not allowed to do #28 with the succubus.

30. Not allowed to tell the Succubus "I think we should just be friends.  Hey, wanna go catch a movie?"

31. Not allowed to clothe the harpies.

32. Not allowed to put on a funky afro wig before going into Dracula's Keep.

33. Not allowed to unleash my pet dog in Castlevania.  He ate all the wall meat.

34. Not allowed to hand the Merchant my credit card.

35. Not allowed to brain him with my cross when he doesn't accept it.

36. Not allowed to randomly rename monsters "Because I think Billy Joe is much more palatable to an American audience than Malphas."

37. Not allowed to imitate the flea men.

38. Not allowed to assemble my own skeletons.

39. Ectoplasms are not basketballs.

40. Not allowed to switch Dullahan and Yorick's heads when they aren't looking.

41. Not allowed to duct tape all the weapons together.

42. Not allowed to hire SOtheby's to appraise the art in Dracula's castle.

43. In the case of 42. not allowed to hand Dracula the appraisal and say, "You know, you'd make a lot more just selling the stuff than what you're doing. So, whaddaya say?"

44. Not allowed to introduce Medusa to my parents.

45. Not allowed to toss bouncy rubber superballs around the castle.

46. Not allowed to play hopscotch with the Cave Trolls.

47. Not allowed to play frisbee with the Disc Armors.

48. Boxing gloves are not a valid subweapon.

49. Neither is a big squeaky rubber mallet.

50. Not allowed to shout "BOOGA BOOGA!" and scare the monsters.

51. Not allowed to search for the Graveyard Duck.

52. Upon assembling Dracula's remains, not allowed to sneakily put him in a clown suit.

53. Not allowed to ask Dracula, "So, if it's Till Death do You part, does that mean Lisa's available?"

54. Not allowed to move in with Medusa.

55. Not allowed to adopt the Medusa Heads so we can have "a family."

56. Not allowed to ask Slogra and Gaibon precisely which mythology they're from.

57. Not allowed to show The Creature "Whether flowers float."

58. Not allowed to use the word "Kickasstlevania!"

59. Not allowed to say "IMMA FIRIN MAH HYDRO STORM! SHOOP DA WOOP!"

60. Not allowed to quote Leeroy Jenkins.

61. Not allowed to ask Death about Discworld.

62. Not allowed to interview Carmilla and Laura for Out Magazine.

63. Not allowed to make friends with the minotaurs.

64. Not allowed to demand that Olrox calls himself Orlok.

65. Not allowed to conduct an investigation on just who Death Wing is.

66. Not allowed to ask what "Zapf" means.

67. Not allowed to stick Dracula's remains on a space shuttle.

68. Not allowed to wear Vampire Hunter D's hat.

69. Not allowed to interior decorate the castle.

70. Upon defeating Dracula, not allowed to say, "So, same time next year, Drac?"

71. Not allowed to say "Bodley Mansion is much cooler than this old dump!"

72. The correct answer to "What is a Man?" is not "Snips and snails and puppy dog tails!"

73. Not allowed to marry Medusa.

[X]

Some of these are a hoot to read! Do you have a thing for Gorgons (Medusa)?

-X

[Ridureyu]

Our love runs deep!


(since there's nowhere else on the forum where I could put this besides fan stuff, and it doesn't count for that unless it's really fanfiction, I added the odd little intro paragraph. lol)

[X]

Watch the remake of Clash of the titans and you'll see a wicked and HOT-looking Medusa. I have a thing for gorgons too  Though I suppose any other-worldly chick is a catch in her own right.

-X

[Ridureyu]

There is kinda more to the list than perverse Medusa love...

(which will probably end up with its own topic)

[darkwzrd4]

Number 53 is really funny.  Only someone who is suicidal and into necrophilia would ask Drac that question.  Rid also seems to have some sort of attraction to the succubus.  Who wouldn't?  Keep in mind that there is probably more than one.  Keep in mind that they will steal you life force which would eventually kill you.  Then again, if you're someone who doesn't care about that, then hanging out with a bunch of succubi could be heaven for guys.

[Ridureyu]

74. Just because I know Dracula's real name doesn't mean I can call him "Matty.

75. Not allowed to ride the Quetzacoatls.

76. Not allowed to hold a church potluck in the Royal Chapel.

77. Cream pies are not a valid subwea- oh, wait. They are.

78. Not allowed to ask Shanoa about Monica.

79. Not allowed to shout "SNAPE KILLS ALBUS!"

80. Not allowed to put a top hat and monocle on the Dogether.

81. Not allowed to replace the Vampire Killer with a whiffle bat.

82. Not allowed to teach Dracula about "the joys of propane."

83. Not allowed to organize Cagnazzo, Barbariccia, Malacoda, and Lubicant into a boy band.

84. Not allowed to make puns on the bad translation of Lubicant's name.

85. Not allowed to poke Curly in the eyes.

86. I am not from TMZ, nor am I looking for the latest gossip on Alura Une.

87. Not allowed to wear Bone Pillars as a hat.

88. A cookie monster puppet is not a valid subweapon.

89. I need more dialogue than "JONATHAN! CHARLOTTE! JONATHAN! CHARLOTTE!"

90. Charlie Brown is not real.

91. Not allowed to go all "Pimp my ride" on the Bone Arks.

92. There is not always room for Tanjelly.

93. The castle has an arena, not a "Thunderdome."

94. Not allowed to screen "Dracula: Dead and Loving It" in the castle.

95. Not allowed to yell "SHORYUKEN!" while using the Griffon Wing.

96. The Simpsons Theme is not a suitable replacement for Bloody Tears.

97. Not allowed to give Zacchino tips on "the ladies."

98. Not allowed to dress the Succubus in a nun's habit.

99. Not allowed to forget about the Forgotten One.

100. Not allowed to call Celia "Butterface."

101. Mentos and Diet Coke are not a valid subweapon.

[darkwzrd4]

102. Not allowed to cook with Garlic.

[Dracula9]

Okay, this might be the funniest thing I've read in a while, but

18. Not allowed to shout "Iia! Iia! Ftagn!" at the Malachis.

is my favorite. Lovecraft reference (combined with misnamed enemies) is amusing.

[Ridureyu]

103. I am not the wind.

104. I am not the sun.

105. One day, we will not "all be one."

106.  "Till all are one!" is the rallying cry of the Autobots, not the Belmonts.

[Chernabogue]

107. Not allowed to point Dracula and scream "IGAAAAA!!"

[VeteranVk]

103. I am not the wind.

104. I am not the sun.

105. One day, we will not "all be one."

106.  "Till all are one!" is the rallying cry of the Autobots, not the Belmonts.

^WN^ 

[Ridureyu]

108. At the end of my philosophical pre-fight dialogue with Dracula, I am not allowed to say "And knowing's half the battle! YO JOOOOOOOOOOE!"

109. The Star of David is not a suitable substitute cross boomerang.

[X]

110. I am not allowed to clamor on the sides of Castlevania like spiderman during a full moon with wolves howling in the dark.

-X

[darkwzrd4]

111. I am not allowed to ask Dracula if he sparkles in sunlight like the vampires from twilight.